Kalvin Carefour JohnnyThe Irony of Being Single
Me: "I'm feeling sad and lonely that I'm single! No one wants me!"
Also, me:
Year 2013: Someone liked me, and friends helped her to let me know, but I rejected her.
Year 2019: Someone who had a crush on me sat beside me, but I left that place. Of course, she was hurt by this, which made her stop trying anymore.
Year 2020: I and someone were best friends; then she expressed her interest with more effort than past women who had a crush on me. But why did I frequently reject her and break up with her? It took me a lifetime to learn the lessons and feel the heartbreak because of my decisions.
Year 2020: But with a different partner: Instant online relationships. I felt like she had a crush on me earlier than I realised. But despite her sincere expressions of love towards me, why did I break up then decide to be together and break up again? Maybe I am afraid of closeness.
Another year 2020:
• Many online peers; some chose me as an option because their relationships were going to fail, but I didn't recognise the liking. She expressed: "You have me? What do you mean?" then she slowly faded from my sight.
• Gaming partners: There were three different partners who chose me to have fun together in different times. One of them I broke up with days later; she faded away from me slowly. Even though I saw her real Instagram account, which was very human. The second one I broke up with; she just disappeared and never messaged me again. The third one: a day after I broke up with her, she told her audience that I hurt her. Then, she just left the scene, and I haven't seen her in the video game again.Year 2022 (if this is correct): I had an instant attraction to someone, and I messaged her: "💖" — she was surprised. Many other group chat members seemed jealous and even created false stories that she cheated. I asked her: "Kau minat aku ke?" (Are you interested in me?) but received no clear, direct answer from her. She messaged me many times personally, but I didn't reply; I felt blurry or foggy at that time. Then I replied: "Kau sendiri tak cakap kau minat aku, dan agama kita tak sama." (You yourself didn't say you liked me, and our religions are different.) She told me to clarify: "Just because I didn't admit I like or am interested in you, it doesn't literally or truly mean I didn't like or am interested in you." Days later, she then found my mistakes online and used it to justify blocking me.
Pushing people away made me single, but reflecting on these patterns helps me learn and grow.
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think and grow
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