GrailI went to church and the preacher forgot the end of his story
I visited a Pentecostal church a few weeks ago, and I didn’t like what I saw.
My only other experience in a church in My whole life, was attending an old-school Catholic service for a relative’s baptism. That Catholic church was formal, stuffy, and full of latin singing from little books. So I was surprised when I arrived in the Pentecostal church and heard awesome rock drumming from outside. And I was excited to learn what the new style of Christians are up to.
I actually arrived in the church through the back entrance. See, the church was positioned in between the main road and the carpark, and the front faced towards the carpark. I took the bus, so I walked from the main road to the Church, and naturally came in through the back. All that spectacle they were pointing at new visitors, and I saw it backwards. That’s thanks to car dependent architectural design, which I consider a sin.
Anyway, I came in and looked around, and they had some cool stuff. A cafe, and a couple of arcade machines, free to use. I shot some hoops into the basketball machine and had fun! But they also had these TV screens and pamphlets, advertising this upcoming “miracle offering”, which from what I gathered, is a yearly event where people give lots of money to the church. So there’s some greed, the second sin I saw that evening.
After that I followed the sound of the drumming into the auditorium, which was set up like a modern theatre, all black walls, big fancy stage, full music and light setup. A preacher was doing some pre-service hype preaching and riling up the crowd, they were cheering. See, Pentecostals put a lot of emphasis on being “moved by the holy spirit”. To them, it’s all about putting your brain in a state of spiritual ecstasy. So their preacher, rather than teaching lessons in ethics or spiritual fulfillment, was getting them excited and encouraging them to abandon their senses to, uh… well, basically it was like a rave.
I head back out of the auditorium to wait for the acquaintance who invited Me, and chat with the people in the lobby area. I get into a bit of a theological discussion with some other acquaintances, fun casual stuff, and the strangest thing happens. A lady with a big smile comes and interrupts us in the middle of our theological discussion to say hi, tell Me her name, and ask for My name. I say hi and give My name, and she just nods and walks off. She interrupted an interesting conversation for a hi and a name. And I gathered this was completely normal in this environment. Substance discouraged, the superficial appearance of connecting with each other encouraged.
Anyway, the guy who invited Me arrives, and he offers to drive Me home afterwards. I share My preference for the bus, and frame the issue in terms of Christianity. I say Elohim gave the earth to humanity to care for, and polluting with engine exhaust ain’t what he had in mind. This guy retorts that Elohim put the oil in the ground for us. I counter with a reference to the Problem of Evil and posit that the oil is there so we have the free will to sin if we want. He switches tactics, and instead says that his car produces less carbon dioxide than the bus does, because it “has eco”. And we argue about that until the service starts.
When the service begins, it is LOUD. They’ve got the volume turned all the way up, I’m talking proper rave conditions. I have autism and I cannot be in that auditorium. So we wait in the lobby for the song to end and the parts I can attend to begin. Third sin: Lack of accessibility for the disabled.
And finally, earplugs in My ears, I head in and prepare Myself for My first experience of the church service. But first, ads! The Miracle Offering is coming up, and I apparently may be moved by the holy spirit to donate money (greed). Also, the church is one of the fastest growing in the world (pride, fourth sin)! And they’ve recently started opening missions in Nairobi! Crowd goes wild with screaming, yay Nairobi! Yay missions! I complain about the ads to My contact, but he says it’s “just the news”.
FINALLY, TV time is over and it’s time for a preacher to preach to us about Christianity. Oh boy, here’s the good stuff! Theology, metaphysics, I hope. This guy’s some visiting preacher from America, and he’s gone to the effort of learning some jokes to tell about our local neighbourhoods! Later I turn around in My seat and see that they’ve got those neighbourhoods’ names up on a teleprompter so he can just tell generic jokes and ad lib in the local place names without any effort.
But then! Then! He tells a story, and he says the story is gonna teach us about Jesus! YES! This is church, alright, Jesus story!
And the story he tells is something I looked up quite a while later, it’s kind of famous, it’s the Rag Man story. And I’m not gonna repeat the whole thing, I’ll just give you the quick version. There’s this guy in New York who trades rags. He takes people’s old rags and gives them new ones. In the story, he visits three people: A crying woman, a girl with a head wound, and a one-armed man. He trades their handkerchief, bandages, and jacket for his, and when he does, he takes on their maladies, until at the end he’s a bleeding crying one-armed mess.
Now, in the version of the story I found online, the rag man dies of these afflictions, and then rises from the dead unharmed. You know, like Jesus. But this preacher forgot to tell the end of the story. He moves on from that story, with the crowd cheering and experiencing the holy spirit’s ecstasy like they’re high on all his bullshit, without the part where the rag man died and is reborn. So when I took the bus home from the church service, I was thinking “Gee, Jesus is like a man who takes on others’ maladies and then just goes on with his life? Christians are so selfish! You shouldn’t enable a person with such self-destructive urges. If it’s an emergency then yeah, pray to Jesus. But if you have the strength to heal your own wounds, do that instead of crippling the Jeebus man!”
So yeah, I don’t think you’re supposed to go to a Pentecostal church with your brain turned on. I say get drunk and pop some pills if you wanna have a good time. Everyone there seemed to be really happy at Rave Church.
Oh, and I learned how to perform a swell from that church drummer. I’m just starting out as a drummer and it’s good to see an expert at work. Church musicians are professionals, I do recommend church if you want to learn about music.
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