@nixCraft your perspective could not possibly be more inimical to my existence. it feels naive or even smug. in my 40s i transitioned. it didn't work, coz i don't pass, so after several years of just trying to put on a brave face, i gave up & quit the physical world, staying home alone in my house. that was over two decades ago. in the intervening period, much of the world has descended into naked violence [rhetorical, political, legal, physical] against peeps like me, so the chances of me emerging from my home again are even less now in my 60s than in my later 40s & 50s. i'm glad if some humans sufficiently have their shit together to be as blasé as your statement, but hey, not all of us do.
#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream
had a little chat thru the back screen door with him, asked if he'd like a glass of cold water. we reviewed the work done so far, what else is left, what he'll tackle next today, what he'll have to leave til next time coz soon he'll be running into the appointment time of his next job. on that, he mentioned
he seems a thoroughly pleasant & courteous bloke, has always been so with me in each of our prior discourses [ie, the previous jobs he's done for me], yet, such is my terrible skullgoo, that i fixed then fixated on his not saying
similar thing happens with my mowing bloke, who i've used for very many years & who has always been great with me [& indeed, we often indulge in much silly banter]. typically when he mentions other clients, jobs, to me, he similarly mentions "a lady" or "a woman", but not "another lady" or "another woman".
it all accumulates in me, & just amply reinforces my sense of failure, thus futility.
#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream
handypeep running 50 minutes, & one month, late. already nervous-stewing in my throat-covering poloneck jumper & tinted facial spakfilla, now i have extra time for the defective skullgoo to run amok with my "equanimity" [sic].
sigh. wouldn't be dead for quids...
#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream
yet more nightmares of betrayal, failure, imposture
yet more daylight of utter despair
uh, must be a day ending in y
#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream
bbc.com/news/articles/c1dz0g2y…
in the 90s, i had to go to merka twice, many weeks at a time, for training at some of my small merkan multinational employer's sites
in the early to mid 00s i underwent my full #transition, over a three year period, whilst working for the ginormous merkan multinational that had in the meanwhile bought my hitherto employer. they were empathic & supportive of me throughout, for which i remained ever grateful, notwithstanding their frequently stupid merkan corporate culture & practices
over recent years i have often played a mind-game with myself, as i observe merka's descent into failed state status, a horrific fascist dystopia of hatred, violence, & idiocy, & ask myself "what would you have done, Droppie, if the timing had been different, such that you had been required to travel to that evil hellhole as it is now, in your post-transition sadly-unpassing present state?" ofc i am certain beyond a shadow of doubt i would have refused outright, so i wonder what that would have done to my employment, my career, my... well, lots of stuff.
#USPol #TuckFrump #FuckRWNJs #magamorons #FuckChristoFascists #FuckAllReligion #OrangeOaf #HeyFascistCatch
#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream
there's a state of being that some term #suicidality . wikipedia says
Suicidal ideation, or suicidal thoughts, is the thought process of having ideas or ruminations about the possibility of dying by #suicide. It is not a diagnosis but is a symptom of some mental disorders, use of certain psychoactive drugs, and can also occur in response to adverse life circumstances without the presence of a mental disorder. On suicide risk scales, the range of suicidal ideation varies from fleeting thoughts to detailed planningi know this personally, but tbh there was only one time i might have actually proceeded, ~15 years ago.Once i've finished my morning [sic] fediversing, i shall peruse https://www.aec.gov.au/ in hope of finding a contact, to whom to appeal, to send me their eventual Infringement Notice / Penalty for not voting, electronically, not physically, lest it lie for weeks in my letterbox being digested by all the snails, & being unreadable pulp by the time i can eventually will myself out the front door every blue moon to clean out all the biodegraded pulp from said object. Pretty sure they'll refuse, insist that by some bullshit law or statute they are obligated to fine me via snail-mail, oblivious to the irony of the vicious circle they're creating.
Loving existence. 🙄🤦♀️
#AusPol #Greens #VoteGreens #ProgIndies #WeAreTotallyFscked #WeAreSelfishCruelBastards #Misanthropy #FsckOffDutton! #ShitParty1 #ShitParty2 #ComeOnTanya! #WhyIsLabor #NatsAreNuts #NoNukes #racism #FuckRacists #OzElection2025 #Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream
@essjayjay This day, which surprises me each year as i never expect it [i'm completely apart from / outside of any sense of any "community", & events like this & Pride & Mardi Gras etc aren't even on my calendar so i never know they've happened til i read of them], always reinforces to me how very "other" i am. As a post-op transwoman who regards her transition as a failure [not coz i did it, only that it turned out so poorly], "visibility" is the thing most of all that is anathema to me. My entire objective & hope was for "invisibility". There's so much hype & razzmatazz around these days for being different including being visibly different [which i wanna emphasise is excellent & beautiful for all who derive succour & validation from that]. It makes me feel even more odd than already, knowing as i do how much i do not want nor enjoy being visibly different. 🤷♀️
#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream
Droppie [farcebk] 🐨♀🌈🐧🦘
Droppie [opensoc]
Droppie
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Droppie [infosec] 🐨
