According to the post-op information packet, I can start running 12+ weeks after my surgery. That means I will be hitting the streets and treadmill to start running again this coming Tuesday. I can’t wait!
had a little chat thru the back screen door with him, asked if he'd like a glass of cold water. we reviewed the work done so far, what else is left, what he'll tackle next today, what he'll have to leave til next time coz soon he'll be running into the appointment time of his next job. on that, he mentioned
he seems a thoroughly pleasant & courteous bloke, has always been so with me in each of our prior discourses [ie, the previous jobs he's done for me], yet, such is my terrible skullgoo, that i fixed then fixated on his not saying
similar thing happens with my mowing bloke, who i've used for very many years & who has always been great with me [& indeed, we often indulge in much silly banter]. typically when he mentions other clients, jobs, to me, he similarly mentions "a lady" or "a woman", but not "another lady" or "another woman".
it all accumulates in me, & just amply reinforces my sense of failure, thus futility.
#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream
handypeep running 50 minutes, & one month, late. already nervous-stewing in my throat-covering poloneck jumper & tinted facial spakfilla, now i have extra time for the defective skullgoo to run amok with my "equanimity" [sic].
sigh. wouldn't be dead for quids...
#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream
yet more nightmares of betrayal, failure, imposture
yet more daylight of utter despair
uh, must be a day ending in y
#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream
still miss my old friend P. fellow travellers. met at same support & resource service. attended same weekly support group. broadly speaking, had similar timelines for our various surgeries. chose same country, but different surgeons [back then in the 00s the choice was rich pickings].
she was far more outgoing than i was & am, a real entrepreneur to boot, started up several businesses [as her real self, not the hideous charade we all had to play in The Before Times]. one time, post all our surgeries, in that three year period where i was really trying to make it work before i gave up & began hermitting, she took me to a brilliant cafe at the bottom of a steep street somewhere on the waterfront in woolloomooloo. she'd told me the staff there were magnificent, & they were; such a happy few hours.
i'll never know for certain why she eventually walked off the stage, but i have some insights that might have been causal.
- i know she never got over the super acrimonious breakup caused by her ex, who then used the beloved infant daughter as a weapon; so unfair, so hurtful.
- also, i do believe that P made a serious strategic error in timing her own #transition. i made sure that the tedious takes-forever multi-year #electrology beeswax was the first part of my journey... coz the "cruelty" of this phase is that you must let the accursed hairs grow each week/fortnight/month to be adequately visible to the electrologist for accurate insertion of the electrodes to do the zapping, adjacent to each follicle. P skipped this step in her rush to "get on with it", meaning that later, post all her other procedures & surgeries, including being very visibly enhanced by her #HRT [unlike me, to whom it did fuck all], & being very out-there by dint of her personality & entrepreneurship, she was effectively trapped into "never" being then able to do the electrology... ie, eternally at the mercy of those arseholic follicles. i knew, long before i learned of her suicide, that this was getting her down [to vanillas, i realise you might not "get it", but to us, such is just more of the agonising torment].
i'm so lucky we crossed paths, P, & wish it'd been much better for you. 💟
#GenderDysphoria #Trans #PostOp #transition #transwoman #transwomen #suicide
bbc.com/news/articles/c1dz0g2y…
in the 90s, i had to go to merka twice, many weeks at a time, for training at some of my small merkan multinational employer's sites
in the early to mid 00s i underwent my full #transition, over a three year period, whilst working for the ginormous merkan multinational that had in the meanwhile bought my hitherto employer. they were empathic & supportive of me throughout, for which i remained ever grateful, notwithstanding their frequently stupid merkan corporate culture & practices
over recent years i have often played a mind-game with myself, as i observe merka's descent into failed state status, a horrific fascist dystopia of hatred, violence, & idiocy, & ask myself "what would you have done, Droppie, if the timing had been different, such that you had been required to travel to that evil hellhole as it is now, in your post-transition sadly-unpassing present state?" ofc i am certain beyond a shadow of doubt i would have refused outright, so i wonder what that would have done to my employment, my career, my... well, lots of stuff.
#USPol #TuckFrump #FuckRWNJs #magamorons #FuckChristoFascists #FuckAllReligion #OrangeOaf #HeyFascistCatch
#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream
I can’t run for another seven weeks.
But, I’ve been feeling like such a sloth after the surgery while packing in the resting and recovery.
The documentation said I could do a walking program two weeks ago, but I wasn’t feeling like it.
I am now!
I walked outside to and from Five Guys. And today I got on the treadmill to walk — avoiding the urge to run.
My training load ratio went instantly from “you lazy sloth” to “oh calm down already”. Heh.
Brendan Casey 🇮🇪🥦🚴🇪🇺
steve mookie kong
Droppie [opensoc]
Moss May 🏴☠️🏳️🌈🦘🌏
kissmaelis