thinking i'm gonna dust off my shelved notes about investigating converting my house space-heating from gas to RCAC heat-pump/s, & gas storage HWH to heat-pump storage. leave the gas cooktop alone for the time being, as those first two are the biggest consumers & emitters [& i still resent having to replace all my cookware!]. still have no desire nor intention to go for solar & battery [abiding fear of hailstones, & big antipathy to me contributing to landfill later when putative panels need replacing... & tbh, i never have shaken off my distrust of cheap inverters &/or dodgy wiring causing house fires].

i've not yet done any numbers, but i posit the nascent concept of the glimmer of an idea of a plan is attractive to me:
- ethically given i hate being cold but also hate me remaining a climate vandal
- economically wrt operating costs, even sans-solar, coz of consumer heat-pumps commonly achieving CoP 4 & maybe up to 6, AND coz as the grid more & more "greens-up", & legacy gas network increasingly death-spirals, comparative prices of kWh vs MJ are only going one way
- strongly suspect RoI wrt capital costs likely to be utterly unviable, yet the project still remaining attractive to me for the prior two items

the most obvious challenge i know involved here, is i somehow have to overcome my social-anxiety/phobia with all the close-quarter peopling necessitated if i proceed 😱

#electrification #electrifyeverything #electrifyeverythingwecan #renewableenergy #heatpumps #rcac #dropbearshit #depression #socialanxiety #socialphobia #dropbearelectrification

tis good news ofc, but the selfish bit of me just cries

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/ng-interactive/2026/may/31/cheaper-energy-bills-battery-revolution-climate-crisis

#climatecrisis #renewableenergy #solarenergy #batteries #depression #socialphobia

last thu morn i had a scheduled early morning brief visitor, to generate then collect some vials of blood for a routine blood test array my gp [who visited the preceding week to jab me in both arms] had arranged. during the flying visit [she was incredibly efficient at the whole dracula beeswax] she asked me why i had a home visit given i seemed to be mobile & able, so i felt i had to mention the #depression & #socialphobia crap to stop her apparently judging me. then she remarked, with some surprise, after noting my dob from her records, that i looked very young for my age... not really sure how one is supposed to react to a left-field statement like that... um, thanks? 🤷‍♀️ then she wondered aloud how i don't get bored outta my head with just staying home, inside, alone, all the time... so i mentioned pooterising. honestly, if she'd next sprung the comfy chair on me, & rattled off that her three weapons were fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical dedication to the pope, it would have seemed totes apropos! 😁

yesterday my gp rang with the results, which apparently are all fine for most things [incl. cholesterol, iron, vitamin D], but with a surprise that made me laugh. my B12 is too high, & so they said to stop taking my daily B12 pill... which i take coz i'm #vegan... & everyone says "vegans typically have low B12" coz... vegan, so knowing that, i began taking these back when i first went full-on v, years back. so i reckon it's quite a hoot... a high-B12 vegan. no, i know that's not actually all that funny, but i don't get out much, y'know! 🤪

#health

as a chronically depressed & anxious peep, never with much self-confidence even "before", but completely subterranean after my failed transition, my discovery of fedi in 2022 was a bit of a tonic. it gave me a way to actually have a modicum of socialisation, albeit only digital, but still rather better than the hitherto complete vacuum. i let myself come out of my shell a bit, comfortable that peeps might just react to my words alone, unaffected by my physical appearance that i loathe.

it is ofc though no magic cure, as i remain every bit as insecure, fragile, & maxxed-out in the self-doubt & self-repudiation that have characterised most of the decades of my existence... before & after. as such, i've inevitably been aware that fedi can be & is not only an avenue for some daily happiness, but also unfortunately sometimes a reinforcer of all the self doubt.

the primary way that latter manifests, is the frequent experience of seeing posts i make in threads, OPd by peeps i either Follow, or who are Mutuals, where i see the OP respond to posts of peeps earlier in the thread, & later in the thread, than my post, but rarely, & in some peeps' cases, never ever ever, with mine.

note i'm only alluding to patterns of non-interaction that i've noticed over periods of several months+, certainly not merely the unimportant incidents of some individual posts going ignored as once-off events.

i've not yet fully made up my mind, but am seriously contemplating protecting my embarrassingly fragile & clearly immature ego, by Unfollowing the "worst offenders", & maybe even blocking them to prevent me being tempted in future to try to join in more subsequently unresponded threads thus triggering me all over again.

peeps sometimes use the derogatory expression "toughen up, princess", & oh would that i could 🥺

#dropbearshit #depression #socialphobia #failedtransition

sigh, done all me usual browserising, all me necessary pooterising, just need to go make a sammitch for lunch, then... am outta excuses to not do da dusting n vacuuming

but i don't wanna!

but i gotta!

got two non-me peeps here on Fri to plunge sharp steel objects into me arms, & atm house be like dusty surfaces & floor lint tumbleweeds everywhere

but i don't wanna!

can't some bloody adult come along n do it?

as long as they stay outside & i don't hafta open the front door...

#dropbearshit #socialphobia

given my entirely internal existence >=2010, it's ofc purely academic, but if i were ever gonna buy another #bike, it'd be another #MountainBike, & certainly not, never, an #ebike , euw.

occasionally if i venture into my de-carred garage, & see my orange m/b still hanging there, sadly still with its buckled rear wheel from the spoke that broke during my final ride of it, in 2005, early during my #transition, it makes me pretty emotional. i used to love riding it. fuck i've lost so much. 🥺

#dropbearshit #failedtransition #depression #socialphobia #riding