Loke ManiI've now been sustaining slow and steady weight loss for over 5 months and I am in striking distance of a huge milestone.
My stomach issues are all but gone.
I no longer hear my ED having a tantrum in my head for every meal.
It's getting-not easy, no, but easi*er*. Manageable without *constant* effort.
I'm so fucking proud of myself! And grateful to have such a fantastic support system! ♥️
A couple of years ago I didn't think this would be possible. I developed an ED in my teenage years, much due to bullying, bad advice from a nurse, and unfortunate encouragement from my surroundings. My sense of hunger is permanently fucked up thanks to this. I legitimately cannot trust my body. And with being autistic on top of it, you can only imagine how hopeless I am when it comes to eating in any regular manner.
It got so bad that I fainted a few times.
My, at the time, recently ex-boyfriend was the one who gave me the push to seek proper help. For my mental health in general, but it ended up waking me up to this very serious problem I had. I learned that EDs are one of the most deadly mental illnesses out there!
With the help of a councillor, I managed to fight the monster now living in my head. But that also meant giving up control. And I gained all the weight back and then some. And I was told, with an ED, weight loss is not safe. Just don't. Which is terrible advice that didn't sit right with me, but who am I to argue with healthcare experts?
And I did genuinely learn to love myself at my fattest. Being fat was working for me. I'm cute and I know it. I'm strong. I'm surprisingly agile and energetic. I don't get cold in the winter. I don't mind being fat.
Until I got a little older and just a little too fat, and crossed that invisible line where my body wasn't having it anymore. I got severe stomach problems. Acid reflux. Aches. Terrible cramps that would leave me in a fetal position for hours. It didn't happen overnight. It took me a while to identify that it really is *just* because of my fat.
So it was time to face the demon. And it has not been easy. It took me about three months and a lot of tears and support to get to a point where I could consistently *actually log* what I eat and I could eat *consistently* in the first place. Both important groundwork before even attempting to eat less.
And I've cried since. I've had really bad days. I've had to lean on my husband to feed me when my ED screamed at me. Especially as I slowly reduced intake. But I've stubbornly stayed the course. That is one of my great strengths (and weaknesses). I'm terribly stubborn once I've made a decision.
And here we are. Not halfway through the year yet, feeling much better already. I haven't heard my ED monster give more than a weak little growl for a while now. I know it's still there. I'm keeping an eye on it. Always. But it is not going to destroy my health. Not by making me eat too little, but also not by making me eat too much. I'm done playing it's game one way or the other. I get to decide now!
Atypically Recovering
JAY JAY
RDN
Biohacking Pathway
Nye-uh 🧚♀️
Theo
Hope
Mathrubhumi English
Cynni's Blog