The tips in the reply are really spot-on! Not just #PaganCommunities, but any kind of event or protest where #ToxicMasculinity, #Egotistic "leaders", and #ActivistBros lurk -- waiting to manipulate their next victim!

Question on Reddit from 2021: How do you deal with a toxic pagan community?

Answer (by sidhe_elfakyn)

"Background

I don't have experience with organizing Pagan events, but I have several years of experience with organizing events in general. My main area of focus has been event safety and culture, especially related to abuse and harassment. I burned out after about 4 years or so and I disconnected from that for a few years, but I'm getting back into it, at least informally.

Introduction

Unfortunately, toxic, unsafe events are extremely common. I believe one of the factors that exacerbates the situation is the fact that religion and spirituality are one of those key areas of the self where people can find a sense of shared identity, meaning, and direction. Leaders can act as gatekeepers for someone's feeling of belonging and acceptance, and that's prime ground for abuse.

Regarding what you can do: one of the key aspects is ensuring that your events are safe. You've got your events, and you have other events and the community at large. The first one you have a great deal of influence over; for the most part you have only indirect influence over the second.

At your events

The key words for leading safe events are culture and values. Culture comes from the top down. You want to engender the culture at your events that matches your values (for instance, a value that attendee safety and comfort is paramount). Your community will self-select based on the culture of your events. So if you want to maximize women's feeling of safety, that needs to be baked into your events' culture.

The primary way to do that is through policies and processes.

- Have policies in place around #harassment and #ToxicBehavior, including #consequences for harassment. Publicize your policies, put them front and center. That right there will already select out a lot of toxic people and include people who feel unsafe at other events.

- Publicize a way to report harassment and other toxic behavior. Make it easy. It's already hard enough to come forth with reports of harassment.

- Have a process to investigate and handle such reports (offer both anonymous -- where the reporter doesn't share their identity -- and confidential -- where the reporter shares who they are but you keep it secret -- options). Be particularly mindful of the emotional burden and potential trauma of the person who reported it.

- Make sure your processes are capable of dealing with reports of leaders committing abuse.

- Remember that if you don't remove toxic people from your events, you'll drive away their victims instead.

Your events will thus differentiate themselves from others where there is toxicity. Your membership will form into people who will uphold your event's culture of safety. There's a lot to be said here, these are just some ideas.
Interacting with other leaders and events at large

There will hopefully be other organizations like yours, that pay particular attention to safety. Reach out to those leaders, establish communication, form a network.

Vet those organizations to make sure they are a right match for you. Create joint activities and events. This way your culture and values of safety will spread. You will lead by example and show that your events are safer, more comfortable, people are more engaged, participate more etc.

What about toxic leaders and events?

I've yet to find a way to influence other leaders into being less toxic. You can carve out a pocket of safety at your events but if a leader and event are toxic, it is very important to not affiliate yourself with them. Don't recommend people to their events, don't do joint activities etc.

Having been on both sides, both as an attendee who has been sexually harassed and abused, and as an event organizer, I can say that affiliating yourself with toxic leaders will simply send the message to the people at your events that you are OK with their behavior (even if you're actually not, that's unfortunately the message that is being sent!); people will pick up on that and your event's culture and the people who go at your events will reflect that.

There is no changing #ToxicLeaders' minds. The most important thing is to make sure your events are safe and to associate yourself with other safe leaders, and to disassociate yourself from toxic people. This will send the message that you are, in fact, not ok with that behavior and you will not associate with it.

What about events that aren't intentionally toxic?

I've seen plenty of leaders who want a safe community but inadvertently foster an unsafe one. This can happen for many many possible reasons, and it is an art and science in itself to figure out what's going on and address it. Keep an open channel of communications with these leaders. Lead by example. Show them how you do things and how your community is safe. If you do joint events, be very very careful; you don't want to expose your communities to toxic behavior, since people will be made uncomfortable or possibly even harmed and trust in your events' safety will be broken.

Share your expertise, share your policies, offer mentorship and coaching, but don't overextend yourself. Your primary responsibility is towards your events and members.

Closing thoughts

I'm in the NYC area. Of the types of events that I used to lead, I can only think of a handful of safe ones. In New York Fucking City, only a small handful. However the community around these events is magnificent. New people seek out the safe events, word spreads, and these events are some of the most vibrant and alive, because people will return when they feel safe and welcome, when they feel their concerns are taken seriously and acted upon, and when leadership holds itself accountable, too.

There will always be toxicity around. However, if you carve safety at your events, others will take notice. Over time, a network will form of safe events and leaders. Toxic leaders will keep being toxic, but the leaders who are having trouble creating a safe event will take note, will follow your lead, and will come to you for mentorship and guidance.

Good luck! It will be difficult but extremely rewarding."

Source:
https://www.reddit.com/r/paganism/comments/p2f4ik/how_do_you_deal_with_a_toxic_pagan_community/

#WeKeepUsSafe #EventSecurity #SafeEvents #Accountability #Leadership #EventSafety #BuildingCommunity #BelieveVictims

People who are "just asking questions" and "just sharing their opinion" that nobody asked for are in the minority here.

But until reply controls are implemented by more fediverse platforms, they will continue to ruin the experience of people here, and contribute to our community's negative reputation.

Let's continue to call this stuff out, and when appropriate, also report it.

#fediverse #SocialMedia #culture #ToxicBehavior

Our conductor recently dropped an "engagement document", stipulating how he views we (choir members) should be towards the choir.

It reads like a contract.

A lot of things in there are common sense: pay attention, be present, attend rehearsals, be respectful,... Fine.

Some aren't: new requirements are put forth and dropped on the group without any discussion. Attempts at discussion are met with zero reaction, or dismissal.

This unilaterally created document has triggered a strong reaction in me and makes me honestly wonder my further participation. I love the choir, I love singing but this kind of behaviour is not something I want to put up with.
Coupled with really bad behaviour of the conductor in the past, for which he only partially apologised. But is acting as if nothing happened.

We have a big competition coming up in April. A formal discussion about all this behavior vs expectations is planned after that, but this document (which IMHO is part of that) was dropped now.

So either I wait until after that competiton is over, or I draw my conclusions now.

Conflicted.

#choir #singer #toxicbehavior

I've been dealing with a toxic and tragic situation at home. We've been hosting an unhoused person and her ESA dog for about two months. She is charming and brilliant, and has had a horribly traumatic life.

It's left her so defensive that her only response to conflict is to turtle up. Judging by her behavior, attempts to explain alternate viewpoints feel like she's being attacked. She is *very* invested in being right and in viewing herself as having the moral high ground.

She doesn't feel safe with us, and I don't feel safe with her. Last night, she deliberately goaded me into a screaming, cursing rage so that she could record me. In the midst of that, leaning in a doorway, she said "you've got me up against the wall," when she had about 500 square feet of space behind her.

I told my spouse (who invited her to crash here) that I couldn't handle this any more, and she had to get out in the next two weeks. After rethinking, I said she doesn't have to leave in two weeks, but she does have to take steps to change her license and register her car in this state (which she bought with an eye towards living in) in that time frame.

She's delayed doing so because she's afraid that we'll keep her new license after she gives up the old one. The white Americans who adopted her at age 6 after her Korean parents sold her to a child broker refuse to give this 42 YO her citizenship papers. And this is a dangerous AF time to be not white, even if you do have proof of citizenship. The stress she's living with is attacking her ability to think rationally.

I think she goaded me into a screaming ragemonster to try and drum up support in the online COVID-conscious community where she and my spouse met, hoping to finding somewhere else to land, or some other form of help. She posted a couple of those videos there, but has since removed them.

My spouse has sweat blood over the last two years builiding connections and social capital in that community despite being attacked by a crew of bullies. And now she's attacking him.

I made it clear to her this morning that I knew the goading had been deliberate, done in order to record me. The video that was up came down after that. She was trying to goad me again, but now that I know, it won't work.

Conspicuously carrying my phone around is keeping her behavior at a level I can handle, as is the knowledge that failing to rise to her bait is frustrating her. I'm not proud of that, but need to reclaim some sense of agency.

I'm mostly sharing this to vent, and let folks know what's going on with me. I'm certainly not averse to advice, if anyone has some to offer.

#ToxicBehavior #Houselessnes #Conflict #MentalHealth

📢 Public Accountability Post

I need to raise awareness about harmful behavior I experienced on the instance `wizard.casa`.

A person, possibly the admin (@nimda), bullied me. Another user, likely connected to them (@ps), also engaged in bullying and tried to provoke me in ways that justified kicking me out of `wizard.casa` without any chance to defend myself, appeal, or maintain my dignity.

This is abusive and deeply inappropriate behavior. I attempted many times to contact @nimda and @ps directly, but received no response. Their silence is not neutrality — it is refusal of ownership.

Accountability in the Fediverse is not optional. Every admin should be held responsible for how they treat users. Cyberbullying is never okay, and moderation practices like this are unfair, unsafe, and harmful to trust in the community.

I am making this public so others can be aware, and so that we can have an open conversation about accountability and dignity in the Fediverse.

#Cyberbullying #Accountability #Fediverse #OnlineSafety #CommunityTrust #MentalHealth #Dignity #SpeakUp #Support #Awareness #ToxicBehavior #CommunityStandards #Respect #UserRights #DigitalWellbeing

When Trash-Talk Becomes Abuse: Examining Problematic Speech/Behavior in Wow

https://tcjournal.org/vol8/jackson/

#HackerNews #TrashTalk #Abuse #OnlineGaming #WoW #CommunityGuidelines #ToxicBehavior

I published this a while back but thought its lessons are valuable enough to share once more.
#helingjourney #friendshipgoals #toxicbehavior #selfreflection #expectations #dailyprompt #victimmindset #writerscommunity #selfhelp #writerslife #lovematters

https://rickollie.com/2024/03/16/toxic-behavior-with-agnes/

#TheMetalDogArticleList
#Loudwire
Not Metal Enough - A Psychological Perspective on Gatekeeping
Psychologist Steve Byrne goes deep on the culture of gatekeeping in metal.

https://loudwire.com/psychology-gatekeeping-rock-metal/

#psychologicalimpact #gatekeeping #rock #metal #toxicbehavior #mentalhealth #fanbase #exclusion #inclusivity #acceptance #diversity #openmindedness #understanding #support #toxicculture #validation #society #musicindustry