FishercatI've been dealing with a toxic and tragic situation at home. We've been hosting an unhoused person and her ESA dog for about two months. She is charming and brilliant, and has had a horribly traumatic life.
It's left her so defensive that her only response to conflict is to turtle up. Judging by her behavior, attempts to explain alternate viewpoints feel like she's being attacked. She is *very* invested in being right and in viewing herself as having the moral high ground.
She doesn't feel safe with us, and I don't feel safe with her. Last night, she deliberately goaded me into a screaming, cursing rage so that she could record me. In the midst of that, leaning in a doorway, she said "you've got me up against the wall," when she had about 500 square feet of space behind her.
I told my spouse (who invited her to crash here) that I couldn't handle this any more, and she had to get out in the next two weeks. After rethinking, I said she doesn't have to leave in two weeks, but she does have to take steps to change her license and register her car in this state (which she bought with an eye towards living in) in that time frame.
She's delayed doing so because she's afraid that we'll keep her new license after she gives up the old one. The white Americans who adopted her at age 6 after her Korean parents sold her to a child broker refuse to give this 42 YO her citizenship papers. And this is a dangerous AF time to be not white, even if you do have proof of citizenship. The stress she's living with is attacking her ability to think rationally.
I think she goaded me into a screaming ragemonster to try and drum up support in the online COVID-conscious community where she and my spouse met, hoping to finding somewhere else to land, or some other form of help. She posted a couple of those videos there, but has since removed them.
My spouse has sweat blood over the last two years builiding connections and social capital in that community despite being attacked by a crew of bullies. And now she's attacking him.
I made it clear to her this morning that I knew the goading had been deliberate, done in order to record me. The video that was up came down after that. She was trying to goad me again, but now that I know, it won't work.
Conspicuously carrying my phone around is keeping her behavior at a level I can handle, as is the knowledge that failing to rise to her bait is frustrating her. I'm not proud of that, but need to reclaim some sense of agency.
I'm mostly sharing this to vent, and let folks know what's going on with me. I'm certainly not averse to advice, if anyone has some to offer.