A little over 9 months ago I got released from my fourth rehab not really expecting much. The first few months I locked myself in my parents house hiding from the world, because that was the only way I could think of to stay clean. It worked for a little while, but I knew that I couldn’t keep living like that. I was sober, but I was miserable.
I decided to take matters into my own hands, and I started looking for a way out of the misery and monotony of my life. I had heard of a sober living place called Oxford House, and I decided to give it a try. This time though I had to get as far away from the town that had ruined my life as possible. I found an Oxford House in Dallas that would allow me to bring my cat with me, and I was sold.
I never expected to last there because I’ve never really done sober living and I don’t like rules, roommates, and girls in general lol. The first two weeks was hard as fuck I’m not even going to lie. I had to be out all day everyday looking for a job without a car, and I developed the worst blisters I literally have ever had. And then at the end of that two weeks, I finally found a place that would hire me with my horrible job history and background called Glo Tanning. Also never expected that to last either. I haven’t been able to hold down a job really since I started shooting up almost a decade ago.
But so far, it’s been three months and not only am I still working there, but they are considering me to run the whole damn store as store manager. I get constant shout out from management about my work ethic, my sales, and my relationship with my clients. I also am currently working more than anyone else in the store. I went from not being able to hold down a job for even a week to working 6 days a week and being considered to be reliable, hard working, motivated, and worthy of being promoted and having the opportunity to climb the corporate ladder.
I picked up my 9 month chip last month, and I owe it all to God of course, NA, and Oxford House. It was one of the best feelings I’ve ever experienced. This 9 months has literally changed my life in ways that I never thought were possible. I’m finally fucking happy. The longer I went without the dope, the better life got. I know I’m still going to have to deal with things like death and loss and pain, but I no longer have to get high to cope. I now see that getting high doesn’t solve anything it just creates another problem on top of whatever you’re going through. NA and Oxford House changed my fucking life.
I used to be known for being on drugs, needing money, couldnt hold down a job, stealing, etc., but now it’s completely different. I’m known in my community and especially my job in Dallas for being a woman of my word, a hard worker, a woman of integrity, for being honest no matter what and living an honest life, etc. I’m known for being an all around good person. And that gives me pride like I’ve never felt before. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I’m no longer looking for happiness in an outside source. I’m no longer having to fill the emptiness inside of me with drugs or things or people. I took a hard look in the mirror at the woman that I was, and i decided to give her grace while still changing the parts of her that lead to all of the emptiness and anger and hopelessness and depression. And guess what? I found the peace that I’ve been searching for my entire life.
My parents finally have a reason to be proud of me. I’m finally holding down a full time job, going to meetings, being involved in my Oxford House community, paying my own bills, and I’m doing it all sober. I miss my parents every damn day, but I know I can’t do anything to help them until I’m standing strongly on my feet. And you know what? I’m on my way.
The first four months getting clean, I didn’t think I was going to make it. Every day shit every damn hour all I could think about was getting high. Waiting out those cravings was the hardest fucking thing that I’ve ever done. I thought things would never get better. But the longer that I stayed away from dope, the better things started to get. I finally found hope. And that hope got stronger and stronger and before long, so did I. Now I’m almost ten months sober and fully determined to make it to my one year. This is the longest that I’ve ever been clean, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I finally have pride in myself, and the peace that I now feel is what I had been searching for all that time getting high. All it took to find it was to get clean. So many things become clear when you get sober. You finally understand your place in this world, and you finally have hope that you will find and keep the peace and joy that you’ve yearned for since childhood.
Getting sober doesn’t fix all of your problems, but it fixes YOU. And at the end of the day, that is all you really need. The rest will naturally fall into place when the time is right.
I used to try so fucking hard to die… I’ve attempted suicide more times than I can count, I’ve overdosed at least 4 times, and whenever I got high, the goal was always to get as close to death as possible. I was so fucking miserable and hopeless… I gave up on life long ago, but for the first time in a very very long time, I found hope and I found faith. I found it in the chairs of Narcotics Anonymous. And you can too. So many people gave up on me. I gave up on myself. But as long as there’s still breathe in your lungs, there’s still time to change. If you’re high right now, check into rehab. Most cities even have free ones now. Create an aftercare plan. Get into an Oxford House or some other sober living. But most importantly, find a meeting to make your home group and go regularly. They say going to meetings regularly is the only guaranteed cure for addiction. I thought it was complete bullshit like I thought about most things. Until I went and did what my fellow addicts with some good clean time told me to do, and it actually fucking worked. Give it a chance. Give yourself a chance. You deserve to know hope and faith and love and pride and joy. It’s time to give yourself a chance a real chance. It’s time to fight like hell for a better life. I did and you know what? I wanted to die for as long as I can remember, but I don’t want to die anymore. I want to live really live. And now I want to share my testimony with everyone out there who is like me. If a fucked up mentally ill trainwreck like me could do it, I promise that you can too. ❤️🩹
***(P.s. thank you to The Estates- rehab number 4- Narcotics Anonymous, Oxford House, my parents, and God 🙏)
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#addiction #anxiety #Borderlinepersonalitydisorder #Depression #dying #grateful #grief #heroin #mentalIllness #recovery #wedorecover
Praveen Yadav
👼🏻☺️~Welcome to my Mind~🌀😈 👌
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