It's nothing revolutionary but I ask for time to review the feedback before we have any discussion on it - this gives me time to calm down and work through the RSD feelings on my own.

Most of the time this works out just fine but has run into trouble twice - once where the person didn't write down any feedback and also didn't want to write up some notes for me, I got more combative with them than would be useful, (but otoh, I did warn them). The other time was when I hired a professional editor for a dev edit plus one back and forth, but it took me too long to parse the feedback so the back and forth was lackluster.

When I'm actually reviewing feedback, and not in a panicking mood, I interrogate my reactions - if there's feedback I disagree with, can I articulate why I disagree with it? Usually doing so helps me learn what kind of story I'm trying to tell, which I think is a good part of any storytelling process.

But I guess the real tip is that it happens, it sucks, it does get easier.

ETA: it has also made (I think) get good at phrasing feedback with consideration and non-prescriptively too

#ADHD #RSD #AmWriting

• Depression spiral? You mean a rear flank downdraft leading to the formation of a tornado? And now I'm reading about tornadoes which I am slightly genuinely terrified of because somehow that's less awful than the existential dread and anxiety in my head.

• I actually had a relatively good day yesterday; I have no idea why today is so mentally shitty. Except "what goes up must come down."

• I did have an absolute shit night of sleep last night; at least four completely fucking random and awful dreams that I can remember but of course The Bitch had to be in ONE of them and of course she was playing innocent, clueless, and/or the victim. So it wasn't enough that I didn't get any decent rest, I've been Emotionally Disturbed and thinking about THEM all day.

• …….. I really don't have the energy to go into all that.

• It really fucking sucks that my only alone & undisturbed time at home where I could play music or even write without feeling emotionally repressed is Sunday morning, but Sunday morning is also perfect nap time in preparation for Monday, ESPECIALLY when I slept like shit anyway.

• Speaking of shit, fuck Richard Siken, when I was seeking advice for how to safely dig into emotions and trauma in order to write about them when it sends me into a near goddamn suicidal spiral every time and I have to HIDE IT from the people I live with because they don't UNDERSTAND, and he said, "If you think you need to be safe in order to write then you should be in a hospital. Mental or otherwise." Fucking douchebag.

• So yea I don't nap but I don't actually write either then everyone is home again and the whole day is a fucking waste and tomorrow is Monday again already. Fuck fuck fuck.

• I would just like a certified, qualified medical professional to look me in the eyes (not really, but) and tell me even though my job doesn't require heavy physical exertion, it's relatively low stress and low pressure, and it's even relatively "easy" and well within my "intellectual" / work skill set… … It's perfectly reasonable and not a FAILURE for me to be completely exhausted and feel like a 40 hr work week is utter hell because of the way my brain is wired. (I'm so grateful for my job. It's so much better than most I've had. So WHY is it still so fucking DRAINING.)

• Unrelated. Ahem. Everyone wants to be "an old woman who doesn't give a fuck" but have you ever been AROUND a middle aged woman who won't stop yapping and lacks ALL self-awareness about it? She's definitely neurotypical. And she's perfectly nice. But my god, it makes me even more self-conscious about inflicting myself on people. And that's not even starting about the actually nasty old bitches. The ones who want to hurt you and know they can get away with it BECAUSE THEY'RE OLD. "Oh, that's just the way they are." Really? So many decades of existence and they still haven't learned manners or kindness??

• Sometimes I wish the stupid neurotypical meme advice worked. "You just gotta --- ! Trust me! It gets better!" Ok, maybe for you… (sigh)

• I can do all of the inner work and healing and growth in the world but until I actually get to PRACTICE with PEOPLE and PEERS it's all theoretical and not actually… you know, applied and proven. I'm so fucking alone and lonely.

• I guess I'll shut up now.

• No, I lied: one more thing. It's not that I necessarily mind "aging" and "looking older," especially in the recently revealed context of how my generation's attitude re: our own appearance was manipulated by pedophiles… but goddammit, I haven't actually LIVED enough to be doing any aging! I haven't DONE anything to EARN or DESERVE wrinkles!! Fucking hell, time is passing and I'm just rotting away without any of the EXPERIENCES to make the decay worthwhile. I don't need to rewind, but can we at least hit PAUSE for a few years until I can get the hell out of Dodge and actually start living and loving?

I would love to put together a round table of #neurodivergent authors talking about rejection sensitive dysphoria #RSD. If you'd like to be on a 60-90 minute zoom conversation talking about that, or have questions for such a panel, reach out.

#ActuallyAutistic #SpoonieAuthor

Spent all morning sorting out a flooded kitchen and faulty washing machine. I’m so stressed, I spent most of it crying and swearing. Can’t get anyone to look at it until Wednesday.

I asked on my road group chat if anyone could let me do a small load today, as L needs clean things for work tomorrow. I offered payment and/or treats. I can see who’s read it, but no offers yet, so that’s making me feel like shit. I definitely don’t have the energy to go to a laundrette, wish I knew more people I could ask.

#AuDHD #RSD #Autistic #ADHD

We've been on a split dose of lisdexamfetamine (Elvanse) daily for a while now. This has involved 2 x 30 mg doses, typically between 90 to 120 mins apart.

As of today, at our request, we're trialling a split dose where we start with 40 mg, then follow that with 20 mg within the same approximate time window.

The hope is that this will help give us a little bit more of a quicker boost to focus in the morning, whilst giving us a bit more of a drop-off in the evening.

We're also still on guanfacine prolonged release (Intuniv) nightly alongside the lisdexamfetamine, which has honestly been fantastic for us as an AuDHD entity with intense anxiety and RSD. We're currently on 4 mg of this night, but hoping to increase it to 5 mg soon.

Based on our own research and experience, somewhere between 4 and 6 mg should be ideal. 5 or 6 mg will likely be the sweet spot.

Per previous posts we've done, it took a lot of persuasion and self-advocation to convince our UK ADHD healthcare provider to even let us have a split dose of lisdexamfetamine, let alone convincing them to prescribe a combo of complementary meds, since both are unlicensed (aka off-label).

If you want to do the same, we recommend preparing links to articles or resources showing:

• The benefits of a split dose.
• The benefits of a combo of meds.
• The known interactions between such meds, such as via a drugs interaction checker.

You should be prepared to:

• Be advised that they may need to discuss this further, rather than agreeing immediately.
• Be told that they can only make one change to your medication at a time.
• Advise them in detail why you are making this request, from a neurodivergent and mental health / wellbeing point of view.

If you're asking for a combination with guanfacine, you may need to traumadump / mental-health-dump (after asking for consent) in order to persuade them to trial the meds.

It's not easy, and you'll need to be as kind as possible at all times to get them on your side, but it is possible to get what you need if you get an empathetic and caring clinician.

The above might sound manipulative, but this is what self-advocation can look like sometimes. It's a mixture of letting the mask slip a bit to be emotionally honest, employing rhetorical techniques, and being kind and polite at all times.

It's not easy, even if you're good at all of those things.

You can always request permission for an advocate on any calls or appointments with you to help.

#ADHD #AuDHD #lisdexamfetamine #guanfacine #Elvanse #Intuniv #neurodivergent #neurospicy #neurodivergence #neurospiciness #SplitDose #ComboMeds #MentalHealth #anxiety #RSD #RejectionSensitiveDysphoria