Reflection: 2 Months As A Floating Medical Officer
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At the time of writing this article, I’m on leave which I took from the 1st of October till 15th of October, which my Head of Department (HOD) was more than kind enough to allow.
I needed the break, perhaps it was an adjustment disorder on my side but I was struggling. Physically, I caught up, I showed up and I was there but mentally, I felt left behind and lost and on most days, I was low.
Perhaps, it was out of tiredness as I have just recently off-tagged and in combination with my low mood, I felt demotivated and in general, felt that I have lost my love for medicine. I decided then that clinical life in the hospital was not for me. True, we were lacking doctors in various departments and hospitals in general across Malaysia. However, during that time, even if there enough manpower, I don’t think I would still want to continue.
I tried looking on the bright side, tiny things as well as the positive aspects of things to help me to get through the day.
Firstly, I’m thankful to be in a subspeciality department instead of the bigger and more hectic departments, I think I would have broken down within the first week itself. Secondly, I was in the department with the sweetest and kindest bosses who were more than happy to teach or lend a helping hand when needed. We are small in number, yes. But it felt like being part of a family.
I was happy, the environment was good, kind and non-toxic. However, mentally, I knew that this is not my place.
This further saddens me as I have always looked forward to being part of this lovely department. Yet, I knew, it’s just a matter of time before I slip and broke down. My body knew that I wouldn’t last long here nor do I foresee myself handling the complex and complicated cases here. If my interest is not here, how would I even make it through to specialise?
Amidst the business and my mind and body trying to keep up with the steep learning curve place before me, I was unable to view my options or to consider other departments.
I was just done in general and sadly, I wouldn’t be able to fulfil my quote in my medical school yearbook, I feel myself losing my will every single day nor do I find the strength within myself to serve.
Sadly,“sometimes what we like is not necessarily what is suited for us”, a fellow colleague told me and that hit me hard. I had no interest in other departments either or practicing in general at that point. All I could think of at that point was to quit and to hand in my resignation letter. After all, I have successfully completed my 2 years of internship / housemanship training. I can still locum if I wanted to. But of course, I didn’t enjoy it either. All I was ever passionate of was to teach. Thus, I considered changing my field and entering university as a lecturer did not sound appealing either as I did not like research at all.
Thus, after much contemplation, I approached my Head of Department (HOD) to validate my 30-day-resignation letter. My HOD is another kind soul who enquired to know what prompted me to come to such a decision. She signed my papers but advised me to consider changing departments instead of quitting.
However, at that time and at that current state of mind, I was fixed on my decision. Hence, the following week on a Monday, I submitted my 30-Days-Notice of Resignation, only to have it retracted the following day. Although I have handed in my 30-Days-Notice, a part of me felt a tinge of regret and sadness. Somehow, some part of me did not want to leave but I could not see any way out of this virtual box that I appear to be caged in.
My colleague and my parents played an important role in my decision to retract my resignation. Instead, despite my limited amount of leaves left for the rest of the year, I chose to take some time of work. Perhaps it was due to tiredness that contributed to my rash and impulsive decision.
On the 1st of October 2025, I took the first flight out and then throughout my leaves, I locummed at several General Practitioners. Remember when I said that I did not like locum either? This time, I decided to give it a second try and to keep an open mind.
The first GP I locummed at was a rather chill one with only 3 cases being seen throughout the whole day. The subsequent GPs were hectic and had multiple procedures, literally from the beginning of my shift till the end. In all of those times, I was the only doctor in the clinic. In my previous experiences, I have locummed at clinics which had 2-3 resident doctors.
Honestly, I don’t know how I managed to pull it off. Despite the hecticness and the patient load, I found myself looking forward to return and I enjoyed talking, listening and consulting the patients. It was fun. Slowly, I found myself enjoying and falling back in love with medicine and practicing medicine and thinking on how I could improve myself to serve better.
Then, I realised, perhaps venturing into family medicine might not be such a bad thing. True, there is abundant of family medicine doctors now and lack of doctors practicing in the hospital but that doesn’t mean that they are still not needed. Sadly, as much as I want to force myself to carry on and stay practicing in the hospital, I knew that it is not meant for me in the long haul or for me to last for even a year.
The opportunity to specialise is there but how can I continue if I can’t even see myself as one, or even have the inspiration?
Suddenly, the plan and my pathway seems clearer and I’m more than ecstatic to embark on my next journey. It was definitely the rest that I needed. To think and to reflect. If I were to stick to this journey, how can I do so for the long haul and at the same time, enjoy it?
I hope that in months or years to come, the decision to stay is the right choice. Perhaps, I still need time to discover my interest in this vast field. At times, I wish that it can be simple and that I would know what or which department I’m fitted to or destined to specialise in.
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