Mastodawn

His eyes are like windows that reveal love and compassion.

What book are you reading right now?

In the ache corners of our hearts, we often find ourselves grappling with profound questions—questions about love, purpose, and the mysterious ways of the divine. I look to figures like Joseph and David, whose lives were marked by pain and sacrifice, yet ultimately transformed into powerful stories of redemption and intercession. They endured hardships not for their own glory, but to raise the bar for their people, to break the chains of iniquity that bound their bloodlines.

Their stories remind me that sometimes, pain is the crucible through which our greatest potential is revealed.

As we navigate the complexities of human relationships, we discover that love, in its purest form, is indeed one of the most potent emotions. It can uplift, heal, and inspire, but it can also lead us into the depths of confusion and heartache. I’ve experienced this firsthand—wondering if a certain person is meant to be in my life, praying fervently for clarity, only to feel silence in return. In those moments of uncertainty, I have learned that our relationship with God is not just transactional; it’s deeply relational.

God desires an intimate conversation with us—a back-and-forth exchange between father and daughter, a sacred dialogue. I’ve come to understand that God embodies both masculine and feminine attributes, nurturing our spirits with an all-encompassing love. This love is the cornerstone of His deliverance; consider how He used Moses to free the Israelites and how He gives us hope through His Son. It is not through righteousness alone that we are saved but through the immeasurable grace that flows from His heart.

Some may argue that the Old Testament reflects a vengeful God, but the truth is layered deeper. Humanity has lost its way, ensnared by sin and its consequences, yet God, in His infinite wisdom, offers second chances. Remember the negotiations Abraham made with God, or how Moses interceded for the Israelites? These stories reveal a God who listens, who understands our plight, and who loves us fiercely even in our brokenness.However, love is not always straightforward.

Have you ever found yourself deeply in love with someone who seems oblivious to your feelings? You pray for a sign, for clarity, yet sometimes the answer is silence. It’s a painful paradox—wanting someone so intensely while the potential for that love to bloom seems bleak. In my struggle, I’ve attempted to convince myself that moving on with another person would dull the sharp edges of my heartache. Yet, that path often leads to further confusion, because my spirit remains tethered to the love that feels unfulfilled.

It’s natural to wish for a love that aligns with our desires, to yearn for companionship that feels meant to be. Yet, in the quiet spaces of our hearts, we must ask ourselves—who controls time? In my journey, I’ve learned that while I may wish to rush God’s timing, His plans are unfailingly aligned with our greater good.When God asks us to love those who struggle, who seem hopeless, it can feel daunting. Yet, that love is not merely about sacrifice; it’s a divine calling. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is lost or battling demons of addiction, remember that your love can illuminate their path.

It’s not about fixing them; it’s about nurturing them with compassion, understanding, and grace. You are not only sharing your love but also sharing God’s glory through your actions.As we reflect on these emotions and experiences, let us embrace our role as intercessors. Our lives are testimonies of God’s mercy and love. When we humbly submit our desires to Him, allowing space for His will to unfold, we find freedom—freedom in knowing that God understands our hearts and knows our future.

So let us practice the art of waiting, of loving sincerely, whether that love is returned or not. In this journey, we may very well discover that the love we share is not lost; it becomes the vessel through which God works miracles—not just in our lives but in the lives of others.

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Site Title Nov 9

Money might not be able to buy me love, but it sure helps keep the lights on!

Name the most expensive personal item you’ve ever purchased (not your home or car).

What I buy often isn’t available in stores, which brings to mind that song, “My Love Don’t Cost a Thing.” I’ve experienced pain that soaked my pillow with endless tears, leaving me feeling like I lost a part of my very soul. It’s tough when you realize that what we all desperately need is a true sense of identity—something you can’t just fake until you make it, no matter how much you might want to. Heartbreak, constant disappointment, and the harsh realities of life can really make you start questioning who you are. That’s why, whenever I see clips of people struggling or trying to improve themselves, I don’t rush to judge or play the role of Judge Judy. I understand their pain all too well, and I genuinely hope they find the help they need as soon as possible.

I used to be that woman who thought that an expensive bag or a lavish vacation would numb the pain and fill the void inside me. But loving yourself is just as important as sharing a part of yourself with someone else. If you can’t accept and love yourself, you won’t truly see or appreciate the efforts of others. I had to seek help; I faced my demons instead of running away and resorting to endless dating and fleeting moments of pleasure to feel better. It became exhausting. I remember crying so hard that I could feel the weight of my tears, those lukewarm tears filled with pain. Psychotherapy has been the most precious gift I’ve ever given myself. It’s helped me grow, appreciate love, and love someone special without any expectations—just to love him and feel good about being so deeply in love with this man who truly deserves it.

They say that the more you grow, the more your perspective shifts. I chose to find myself first, to heal old wounds, and to bury them. I wanted to find someone who could listen without judgment. In today’s world, it’s tough to find that kind of love. We keep searching, yet we set the bar so high that it feels impossible to reach. I’m learning to settle down for less. Prison of my own selfishness made me reevaluate whether the standards I set for myself are realistic, healthy, and smart, or if I’m still chasing after pain when love could be right next door.

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Site Title Nov 5

The art of giving a F**k

Do you need time?

It’s that time of year again when we start reflecting on everything that’s happened. January feels like it was just yesterday, and this year has truly been a rollercoaster. I recently shared some thoughts with someone who feels the same way, and we agreed that every year has its ups and downs. But what really matters is that we made it through—both of us did.

The world can feel so dark, and we often ignore what truly matters while we keep chasing after things that don’t fulfill us. We find ourselves in relationships that come with strings attached, expecting our partners to carry the weight of our needs. We pursue careers with the mindset that we want to be like those who have already made it. We’re constantly seeking validation, setting the bar impossibly high. The economy is a mess, with inflation swinging back and forth.

The news is filled with stories of genocide, war, and people hurting each other. And then there’s Gen Z, always coming up with the next big trend. It’s all chaotic, and no matter how much we try to ignore it, we’re all affected in one way or another. It feels like a lose-lose situation, and it’s hard to look forward to the coming year. Yet, there are still some perks waiting to be shared. What I really need is to get on my knees and surrender to the Lord, asking for His intervention.

I could take a vacation and post a smile for the ‘gram, but if my soul isn’t at peace, what’s the point? My faith has been my anchor this year; I’ve fought battles that made me question, “What on earth is this generational curse?” A wise person once said, “If it doesn’t happen to you, who will it happen to?” The glitz and glam aren’t always what they seem.

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The Theoretical Doctor Aug 18

Surviving 10 Days Of Tagging | Emergency & Trauma Department

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My tagging days in my sixth and final rotation, Emergency and Trauma Department, lasted for a total of 10 days which was from the 11th of April till the 23rd of April 2025. This is excluding our one “off day” for the week.

Did I manage to last throughout the tagging days?

Not quite.

I did take a sick leave during my second week of tagging. The reason was that I was just extremely tired.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The tagging hours in the Emergency and Trauma Department is from 7 am till 10pm, just in other postings.

The good thing about this department is that we do not need to do morning reviews. Thus, coming way early prior to our shift is unheard of. We merely come and leave on time.

However, considering that it is the Emergency Department, things are unpredictable whereby things could be quiet one moment and hectic the next.

Hence, on days which burn, it can be extremely tiring. But, completing these tagging days are a must and so on slow days where the hours seem to pass by really slowly, I make it a point to have an “hourly toilet break“. On busy days, it may be the only time that I am given a chance to sit and breathe.

On top of that, I made sure I took my lunch and dinner break. Not because I was hungry as I was used to having my meal for the day after work. It was merely my way of spending my time during my tagging days.

At 10pm, the shift is over and I leave, even if the floor is busy because the following day my shift begins at 7am again.

Finally after 10 days of “tagging“, I have finally off-tagged and shifted to “shift hours“.

Photo by Andrey Grushnikov on Pexels.com

There are no assessments in order to off-tag. as there were in other postings, which is a good thing. However, tagging in this posting felt long and seem to went on forever for me. Perhaps, this was because I was mainly tagging alone as I entered a month later than my fellow peers.

Nonetheless, I was glad to be done with this schedule and shift back to a regular 12-hours shift.

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The Theoretical Doctor Aug 17

Overcoming My Fear To Refer A Case I DO NOT KNOW | Housemanship Diaries

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What fears have you overcome and how?

At the moment of writing this article, I am in my sixth and final rotation which is in the Department of Emergency Medicine, pushing into my third month.

One might think that as we become more senior in our current job, it gets easier or the fear fades.

Well, the anxiety certainly reduces but that does not mean that it disappears.

For me, the fear is still there as to who I would be working with or who I would be referring to and most of all, referring a case that I not know.

I’m sure we’ve all been there before. Especially upon arrival to work and to be absolutely clueless about the patient and their case and progress and to not have anyone handover the case to you.

Not that we won’t take the time to understand. It is just that, we will or at least I would take the time to digest the initial presentation, clinical examination and findings followed by the initial management of the patient and other teams as well as the current progress.

Once I have finally understood the issue of the patient from A to Z, then I can confidently refer the patient for a simple thing.

That’ll usually take me about 5-10 minutes, especially if there is just one too many writing. To others that may seem like an eternity.

The thing is they will somewhat give me a template of what to say in regards to the patient but I am still absolutely clueless and wishes to kindly absorb the pages and information about the patient before I walk into the battlefield.

This is because, one too many times, I will be asked about things totally irrelevant to the case of the patient which will take me some time and if I’m not so lucky, ended up being shouted at. I mean, that’s the worst that can happen right? Certainly reminds me of my early days of housemanship.

Maybe it’s a form of childhood trauma or maybe not, but I need to at least have a reason to defend myself and the patient.

It’s like a debate or a business deal which I find that I may need to fib or exaggerate myself in order to get a test approved or to refer, all for the sake of the patient or sometimes the superiors.

It’s alright but at times it can be rather annoying especially when they want it done in a minutes time.

The next that I have to actually open my mouth and communicate. Being an introvert, I can easily talk to people but I dislike being in groups, small talks or actually talking at times.

I find it exhausting and thus upon the end of my shift, I just need time to recuperate.

However, back to the question of this article, my fear, to refer to other departments, especially, if it is a case I do not know and to a tiger of a person who loves finding any fault just to reject the case is still present to this day and what have I done to overcome it? Nothing, really, just extreme patience.

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The Theoretical Doctor Aug 14

Reflection – After Almost 2 Years Of Practicing As A Junior Doctor

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“Would you want to return back to medical school?”

No.

I enjoyed my 5 years of medical school very much and I appreciate the memories formed throughout those years.

However, after working as a junior doctor for 2 years, I would not consider turning back time, just to go through medical school all over again. I enjoyed studying and it was equally tough and fun. Besides that, I had the best study group, “The Impostors”.

Going through the COVID-19 Pandemic season of social distancing and online classes made the journey easier. I remembered staying back in Kuala Lumpur and waking up in the morning prior to starting class just to set up my laptop and my connecting screen, sending the link earlier to the group, sharing the slides if needed and while the classes are on-going, I would go about cooking, cleaning or folding clothes.

My coffee and tea would be on standby and everything was prim and proper. Besides that, breakfast, lunch and dinner would always be prepped by me, for me or my friend who lives upstairs. After that, I would proceed to study during the wee hours.

I think the time I managed to complete reading various textbooks were during the COVID pandemic.

Then, I graduated and started my housemanship. It was extremely tough at first and it’s still difficult now at times but I’ve grown to accept the fact that there will be difficult days as well as good days.

Three months later after starting my housemanship journey, my first pay was banked in and subsequently, every month I received my monthly pay.

Eventually as I become more and more senior, things became more and more familiar and easier and some things or procedures became a reflex, even the management plans.

Thus, considering, the things that I’m doing now which I think is much easier as compared to my medical school days, would I want to turn back time?

Nope. Medical school is important and equally tough. On top of that, I’m not getting paid. Instead, my parents had to pay for my medical school fees.

So, no. I cherished those days as I said. But I certainly do not want to relieve them again.

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The Theoretical Doctor Aug 13

Preparing For My Exit From The Medical Posting As A House Officer | Housemanship Diaries

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Medical. My Fifth rotation.

While I was in Medical School, my favourite rotation was the Medical Posting and I’ve always imagined myself being a Medical Officer in Medical.

Thus, upon entering my Housemanship Journey, I did not choose to rotate in Medical as my first posting. Many people said that the Medical Posting is the most difficult posting of all the postings due to the patient load as well as the workload.

Thus, I began in Orthopaedics and placed Medical as my Fifth Posting. Mainly, because I wanted to “enjoy” it. Enjoy it in the sense that I already knew the basics and knew how to function as a House Officer and would be able to learn how to manage the patients.

However, albeit being a senior poster, some old habits retain. In the Medical posting, we were required to hand in our logbooks 2 weeks prior our End of Posting Date.

However, I approached my mentor 5 weeks prior my exit. Unfortunately, my assigned mentor at that time was not available and asked me to approach my Specialist-in-charge of House Officers at that time to request for a new Mentor.

I approached the Specialist-in-charge and was assigned a new mentor which happened to be someone I worked with multiple times while I was in Medical 3.

The following week was a rather tensed week for me as I tried my best to cram as much as I could.

I finally had my assessment with my first mentor who is a Medical Officer that Sunday. Thankfully, I passed.

2 days later, I went for my assessment with my second mentor, my reassigned specialist, who passed me as well.

The issue next was the completion of my 12 CMEs. CME stands for Continuous Medical Education which occurs once a week on Tuesdays. In other postings, only 5 CMEs were required in order to pass. Sadly, it is not the same for the Medical Posting.

Unfortunately, CMEs done online were not acceptable even if there are certificate of attendance.

Luckily, I had attended a Hospital CME some time ago and I was only looking for ONE more CME prior to my exit of this posting.

Thus, I used that to my advantage and finally, I was able to hand in my logbook and officially exit the posting.

Sadly, a few days prior to my exit, something occurred that led to the demise of a patient. But, that is a story for another article. Thankfully, that did not affect my exit from this posting and I exited, on time.

If you are due to finish the Medical Posting or any posting in general, take it as a lesson from me and approach your assessors much earlier.

Otherwise, all the very best!

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The Theoretical Doctor May 18

Laughing – A Way To Destress

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What makes you laugh?

Laughing – A form of de-stressing activity. To which some may find “distressing”?

Or perhaps I’m just a little unbalanced.

Photo by ROMAN ODINTSOV on Pexels.com

However, back to the prompt, I would laugh at almost anything actually.

Many would ask me on why do I laugh so easily or on almost anything. Honestly, I have no proper answer for it. Perhaps, the easily justifiable answer would be that it has become a form of my default reaction towards answering people.

Firstly, it softens my expression, thus making myself seem more approachable (or so I think). Sadly, that also means that sometimes people would not take me seriously. Next, it lightens the situation and prevents a tensed situation from escalating. However, it may also flip the other way around which may further escalate the situation instead as me laughing may deem that I do not take them seriously.

Sometimes, when I am being thrown an insult, I do react by first laughing about it, as a shield for myself and preventing myself from being hurt or at least giving myself some time before digesting the issues.

Then, there are times, when I am lost in my own world, which is most of the time, I would suddenly remember something funny or find something amusing and start laughing to myself. At times, it may escalate into a hearty laughter to which some might find distressing.

Nevertheless, after a good laugh, I would usually feel better, as they say, it releases endorphins, a “feel good” hormone and thus, “laughter is the best medicine”.

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The Theoretical Doctor May 14

Iced Tea & Cold Brew Coffee

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What is your favorite drink?

As the title entails, it is Iced Tea and Cold Coffee.

1. Iced Tea

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I fell in love with tea, green tea, black tea and oolong tea in particular when I was 14 years old.

At that time, I was looking into drinks to aid my weight loss and I came across green tea and oolong tea being suitable drinks in facilitating weight loss when consumed without sugar.

Thus, I brewed my first proper sugarless green tea and fell in love with the taste. Ever since then, I started drinking it on a regular basis and it has pretty much replaced water for me.

Did it aid with weight loss?

Perhaps in the beginning, eventually, I continued drinking it because I enjoyed the taste be it warm or cold.

As I started working, I would usually prepare cold brew green tea in order for me to bring to work the following day.

Photo by Charlotte May on Pexels.com

Why cold?

The environment that I’m working in can get rather warm and considering I am a person who perspires easily, the temperature of the tea eases me and provides immediate rejuvenation.

Even after a long day at work, nothing refreshes me more than a cold brew green tea served in mason jar and a straw.

2. Cold Coffee

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I am a HUGE fan of coffee, black sugarless coffee in particular.

My love for coffee began since I was in primary school, which I think is a bad thing since children are not supposed to consume coffee.

Back then, my mother would used to prepare coffee for my father and milo for me prior to my father sending me off to school and heading to work.

Me and my father would then switch drinks after he has drank half of his drink.

Then, when I turned 14 years old, I started pulling an all nighter or getting up at midnight just to study.

Eventually, I developed immunity towards coffee and is able to fall asleep even after consuming it. Thus, I merely consume it out of addiction and routine.

As I started working, as mentioned in my explanation for cold tea, the environment is rather warm for me to be consuming hot coffee. Hence, I would prepare my mason jars of coffee the night prior and transfer it into my flask the following day.

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The Theoretical Doctor Apr 28

Part 1 – Life As A Peri Medical House Officer In Hospital Umum Sarawak | The Emergency Department

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Upon entering the Medical Posting, I was stationed into the “Peri-Medical Pool”. My “birthplace”, so-called.

Prior to entering the Medical Posting, many of my colleagues commented that the Peri-Medical pool is probably one of the worst place to enter considering that it is rather hectic, busy and messy, not to mention the joblist is never ending.

The working shift for a Medical House Officer is as such:

Short Day (SD): 7am till 6pm
Long Day (LD): 7am till 10pm
Night Shift (ON): 8pm till 9am

The Emergency Department in Hospital Umum Sarawak is rather huge and consists of:

Green Zone
EDAU
CSSD
Yellow Zone
Yellow Respi Zone
Green Yellow Zone
Red Zone I
Res Zone II
Decon

Usually a House Officer is allocated to take care of more than one zones.

For example:

Green Zone / EDAY / CSSD
Yellow Zone / Green Yellow Zone
Red Zone I / Red Zone II / Yellow Respi Zone

When the amount of manpower is high, the job gets done quickly and keeping track of the patients is easier.

However, in days where we are stretched thin it is rather difficult.

The Day Shift

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Since I entered the Peri Medical Pool on my Day 1 of tagging in the Medical Posting, my working hours were from 7am till 10pm every day till I offtagged.

I begin my day by first tracing the casenotes of the patients in the zone I am allocated to, snap pictures of the chest x-rays, any relevant radiological reports as well as to trace their bloods.

If bloods were not taken or not in the system, we would then proceed to “summon” the post-night team for help with their bloods.

After all the patients have been traced and the Google Lists have been updated (this is to aid us during our rounds as well as following up on their location later, to ensure that they are not being missed), then I would proceed with my morning reviews.

The morning reviews are just as usual as any morning ward reviews, rounds with the Medical Officer and Specialists and finally carrying out any active joblists.

Since we are in the emergency department, there is usually no afternoon reviews. It depends on the medical officer. Most of the time, rounds are just once daily.

After we are done with our morning joblists, we have to actively screen through the patients in our allocated zones as there is constant movement of the patients in both in and out of the emergency department.

Thus, this means assisting the current on-call team for the day with any STAT bloods or STAT radiological requests as well as updating their progress.

On most days, it is manageable despite the chaos. However, on days where we are lacking in manpower, the difficulty sets in.

The Night Shift

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The night shift begins at 8pm till 9am the following day or until we are done with our “summons”.

I was blessed enough to have gone through perimedical with a partner. Thus, there were two House Officers allocated for the night shift.

As night House Officers in Peri-Medical. We are expected to continue screening through all the casenotes for any new joblist or patients in all the zones in the Emergency Department as well as to assist in any procedures, take STAT bloods or request STAT radiological procedures.

In addition to that, we also have to cover the main building and the side building. This means, if there are any medical patients lodging in non-medical wards, we are in charge of them as well. Most of the time, it is just new transfer ins, sometimes, it is attending to any acute issues.

This is then followed by taking the “coming mornings” or bloods of the stranded patients in the Emergency Department of the lodging patients.

The amount of patients in the Medical Department is extremely high and thus, the medical patients can be stranded up to days in the Emergency Department which can even last till they are being discharged.

Thus, this ensures that the patients are being continued on their treatment irregardless of their location within the hospital.

The night shift as a perimedical house officer can get rather hectic if there are back-to-back influx of new patients in the Emergency Department, tons of coming mornings as well as acute issues in the ward.

In the morning, the “summoned” list can get rather extensive and chaotic as well and can be rather endless.

Hence, on top of the constant walking about the whole hospital, it can get rather tiring. But like I said, it is doable and manageable.

In fact, I enjoyed life as a perimedical house officer a lot.

If you are due to join Peri-Medical, fret not. Keep yourselves equipped with necessary forms and just work quick and as fast as you can.

On some days, one might get lost in the sea of chaos. However, stay strong and know that help is always within reach and that you are not alone.