Warmth in temperature and in our love

As excited as I felt, I also had an uneasy feeling that something would scupper our day ahead.

Last night I was restless while your things waited packed and ready by the door. I would need to be up by 7am to get the rail replacement on time. At least the weather forecast seemed to be nice – cloudy but warm. A picnic could be on the cards.

At 6:45 I was checking my phone to see if an overnight cancellation message from your mum had arrived and once I saw no updates I moved on to wish my friends a successful run at the Downham Half Marathon event.

The following weeks are extremely unsettling for me. The anniversary of when you were taken away is soon, memories of the same time from a couple of years ago show how your mum was scheming against me and preparing to betray you by trying to take me out of the picture.

A couple of years ago, Sundays were just another day. An opportunity to have a big day out or just a quiet one at home. There were no rules, now it’s our court-mandated day. Rain or shine I have to make the most of the precious little time we have to create happy memories and bond in a situation horribly created by your mum where it can go weeks without me seeing you.

Our Sunday

It was an early start so I had already prepared everything but still spent too long deciding if I should take things out of my day bag and reduce the weight. I’m obviously getting old as the weight of the buggy and your things tends to leave me with a backache for a few days after.

Once I had breakfast and got dressed I headed out to get the train to Elm Street station. I hate train works but at least I can still get to you. The messages saying the trains were still at City Square station made me a little nervous but with more time the train made it to the station and I could get on to Coleford, from there a bus and from there a half hour walk. 3 hours later I reached you at the handover point as the day’s warmth started taking over from the cold shadows.

Greeting you and your beautiful face

As your mum arrived and cycled onto the pavement I made big waving hand gestures. Sometimes you’re slow during the handover, understandably probably preferring to stay indoors in the warmth. Today though, you had a huge smile and waved back enthusiastically. My heart melted… it is exactly the kind of meet I dream of.

You rush to get out of the carrier and make conversation with me. Before you’ve had the chance to take your cycle helmet off, you sweetly say ‘daddy’s my friend’. I feel overwhelmed with such a beautiful moment.

It was an idyllic start to our day instantly giving me a boost better than coffee.

The rest of our morning

The day looked to be comfortable outside, although still chilly in the wind. Summer is almost here but it’s being a little shy.

On our way to the play park we spent a while around the memorial in the park blossoming with beautiful flowers too pretty for you not to focus your attention on! I helped you reach a few higher up ones, to pick petals and we spoke about how bees need the flowers, so we should try not to pick too many. You’re a proper little person, I’m delighted with our conversations, fully engaged chatting together like old friends. It really is beautiful.

Once you had fistfuls of flowers from across the memorial it was time to walk across to the play park, where with the longer court-mandated time, I knew you would be able to enjoy without rushing.

Lunch back at our old place

I wanted to get some bits and bobs for a picnic so we headed to M&S nearby earlier than our usual lunch time, oddly they didn’t seem to have the usual items so I made use of our visit by getting a croissant and fruits for the afternoon. You told me you wanted the croissant so I took that as you being particularly hungry, my gorgeous growing girl, so I gave you a third as an appetiser for a proper lunch. I thought the comfort food at the Japanese place would be good for filling your belly and helping you take a long nap, so we went there, just like when you were a baby and without the need for a high chair, or much encouragement to eat, I was able to simply give you the choice of noodles or rice then get a place and let you scoff away on your own.

To my surprise you handled the chopsticks really well, it’s super impressive and I guess a bit like the Asian kids that probably learn chopsticks instead of knives and forks! We had a lovely time, no stress, no rush and fully enjoyed our meal and time there before heading out.

As usual, you didn’t want to have a nap straight away, with our longer day this isn’t an issue so we went back to the park for more time in the warmth amongst the flowers and other children. Eventually you started to get a little cranky, bless you. So I was able to speak to you like an adult and remind you a nap would help you feel better and we could play later. Willingly you popped yourself in the buggy for a longer nap. I hope this summer we can settle in the shade and sleep cosy together, you will be perfectly safe in my protection.

Afternoon warmth

The rest of our day was just as lovely as the morning. You napped and we arrived back at The Cake Cafe that we went to last time but this visit we stayed for the babychino.

Afterwards, I made a base for us between the memorial flowers and play park with plenty of shade and a more discreet space for the portable potty.

We ran about filling the space with giggles. I had a packed bag of toys and activities and we made use of most of them! As groups of friends saw you with a smile bigger than the Cheshire Cat, they awwed and complimented how cute you are.

The approach of 5pm brought our idyllic time together to an end. I wanted to pick up something from the shopping centre so we popped in a few minutes before I would step outside and hand you back to your mum. While I was at the till paying, the colourful gift cards caught your attention and like a magpie you went and collected the ones you liked. I laughed and told you you’d need to put them back but you were adamant about keeping them all. This was a time for a little lesson, that we couldn’t keep everything from the shops we wanted. I suggested you put some back but again you were adamant. Ultimately these gift cards have no value without being loaded with credit so I decided not to be strict and potentially upset you seconds before handing you back to your mum.

More unpleasant handovers

As with pretty much every single handover, your mum darkened the mood by complaining that you shouldn’t have kept the gift cards. Your big smile and radiation of joy from our time together taken away with a pointless telling off.

I didn’t want to get more hostilities from your mum by spending too much time saying goodbye so I gave you a kiss on your most perfect little head and started making my way.

Our last moment was just as the day started. I made big waving and kissing gestures and told you I love you many many times.

I hate crossing the road at this point, not knowing how long it would be till my lips kiss your head next.

Missing you already

It doesn’t matter how perfect our day could go, the feeling of being separated will never feel ok. This year a lot has changed and will settle into a new flow for the years ahead.

I’ve only got a few more occasions where I will visit you in River Town to spend the day together under the allowance of the court. At the least, they will be warmer and hopefully just as great as this one gone by.

It’s sad to think that River Town will probably be a painful memory for the rest of my life. A representation of our separation and hurt.

At this point in the day I start my journey home, it’ll be another 3 hours till I’m home packing up your stuff and putting things away ready for our next time together. 3 hours of dragging the buggy across buses, trains, tube and finally home.

It’s been an exhausting day but perfect between 5 past 10 and 5 to 5. Our next time together will be this weekend unless your mum breaks us apart again. I can’t wait for us to have a bath together and I hope it will be warm enough to give you lots of opportunity to play with water on the balcony.

I love you so much it’s hard not squeezing you too tight every time I see you.

Our day together thwarted and stress of upcoming family court

The weather is lovely and I was excited to spend our first proper outside day together this year. There is buzz around, people are wearing their summer clothes and busy making their way to see loved ones.

I thought I was lucky that the train strikes had been called off, the route went from rail replacements and alternatives to the most straightforwa rd normal route. This morning, with a little dread, I saw the trains could be disrupted but I expected this would mean, at worst, I would take the 2 hour rail replacement route.

I’ve come to terms that to see you it can include over 4 hours of the day travelling, barely less than the time I actually get to see you. ‘Quality time’, it is not.

Sadly, in the end the direct route wasn’t running and the rail replacement route’s trains were cancelled due to lack of staff.

I went across stations dragging the buggy and bag with your items, trying to find a route. As time went on the cancellations continued, defeated, I decided to head back home.

It’s still the morning but I feel exhausted. I can’t make sense how this is going to work for the future. It’s like all the forces are against me when all I want is to be a meaningful part of your life and kiss your lovely little head.

A double slap in my face

The reason I was travelling to see you on a Saturday instead of a Sunday was because a while back I had agreed to your mum’s request to swap days to accommodate Mother’s Day. I then realised that strikes would make it difficult because rail replacements aren’t organised during strikes, so I asked your mum to swap back otherwise it would be a very difficult journey for me.

With no remorse she refused, instead insisting that I should’ve known. I’m stupid for expecting else from her.

A lot of the strikes are called off last minute but I didn’t expect that services would still be a mess, as some staff didn’t go to work and trains would be cancelled anyway. Unlike with rail works, when there are cancellations, there are no rail replacements either.

The stress of court

Court is this Friday and your mum has continued to wear down opportunities for us to connect.

She planned the outcome she wanted, she’s keeping us apart and making it as difficult as possible for us to have a relationship.

I won’t give up because although I feel like the unluckiest person in the world right now, at the same time I feel the luckiest because you exist. I think about your infinite beauty, tenderness and I’m intrigued about everything about you.

Listen through the podcast

https://open.spotify.com/episode/1wH83ftot7qOWUfcOCoxrw?si=ctonJ-faSJ-laPEhlRDamg

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