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Diary for my belovedA warm weekend in October just before family court
It feels tense around sensitive days like the upcoming hearing. As your mum limits interactions, there are so many things that need to be sorted out but it’s hard to resolve anything, however basic, like collecting your high chair or carseat.
The weather forecast said it would be a surprisingly warm weekend, basically like summer. I wanted to do something nice with you like a picnic but your mum refuses to meet in the centre so it will be tricky within our time.
The main person who’s worse off because of your mum’s hostilities is you. There’s no reasonable perspective to explain why she should be so difficult to cooperate on little plans for the day.
Our sunny day
I tried to make the best of the day and planned to get to Zizzi’s for lunch which gave us enough time to look at a few shops and explore for a bit.
One of the estates in the area was open to the public so we had the chance to check out the grounds. The pretty gardens and enclosed green was perfect for a running monkey like you!
Green fingersPulling faces with daddyYou’re becoming more independent, some of our day involved you walking slowly with your little legs. It’s going to be lovely when you’re older and we can go on treks and adventures. I’m sure you’ll be leaving me behind!
The day was straightforward. There’s limited room for planning more exciting things and you’re often unwell in some way or another so calm days seem best.
Our moo-full afternoon
After lunch, as usual, I take you for a stroll in your buggy where you promptly fall asleep. I walk with the aim of having some background momentum so you sleep better but sometimes it’s tiring to be honest. Today’s heat and busyness wasn’t great for walking around but the most important thing is you slept well.
While you were snoozing, I had walked up to the edge of the centre until I saw a few cows next to the canal. It was unusual and not something I’m used to seeing back at home in the Big City! I waited nearby expecting you to be waking up around this time and in perfect sync you shuffled awake with a herd of beautiful brown cows in your view.
Saying moo to a herd of cattleAt this point I had to prepare for getting back. 40 minutes could easily become more if you need something along the way.
It’s starting to feel like we really only have lunch. It’s hard to make happy memories when most of our time together is in a restaurant or just walking to and from the station.
In the future, let’s go for lunch and make it really special. Sunday lunches have been our time since you were a baby. It was forced on us but let’s embrace it and make it the special daddy daughter time it should be.
Court on Thursday
My mind is a blank as it has been so often in the last year. It’s impossible to ignore but too painful and stressful to allow to surface. I don’t know what to think about Thursday. Your mum has done everything possible to stop us from having a relationship and take you from me.
Impossible choices
When your mum took you I had the impossible choice of refusing and the huge problems that would’ve caused short term, or do as I did and work through the court process knowing that your mum had already planned out that the move would become the status quo and a family court wouldn’t force her to move.
I did what I thought would cause you the least distress but sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for me to take the alternative option which would have kept us together for the years ahead. This is the dilemma I will always live with.
Back in River Town in a few days
I’ll be back in River Town for 9am on Thursday to be told why I can’t have you overnight. Why I can’t give you a kiss goodnight. I’ll be told why you can’t go on holiday with me. You’ll be 3 years old and still unaccustomed to being with me overnight if I let your mum’s plans go ahead. I may have no option.
The system doesn’t care about the bond between a dad and daughter.
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The Gay Diaries
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