Hostilities on Mother’s Day

I haven’t updated for few weeks because you’ve been in Coldland on holiday.

At the first court day, your mum asked for approval to take a holiday with you. This was partly to suggest I didn’t let you go over Christmas.

When she raised the issue last year, her email suggested she was merely informing me of her plans, rather than confirming consent. She asserts things and then refuses to discuss. In circumstances like this, she would need my permission.

Rather than discuss holidays and when I could see you, she chooses to refuse to speak.

A part of me fears she could take you even further away, and make a relationship between us as hard as possible – if not impossible.

I told your mum that her having you over Christmas and New Year should mean you get the chance to be with me and your paternal family the next year. Rather than accept this, being reasonable and likely to be set by the courts anyway, she accused me of ruining her Christmas break.

It was awful not being able give you a kiss on Christmas Day and my family were very upset not to be able to see or speak to you. I still don’t know where you were that day.

Mother’s Day

At this point, past midweek, I don’t know if I’ll see you on the weekend. I haven’t seen you for 2 weeks. I haven’t been able to give you a cuddle or pat on the bum for too long.

Your mum asked me about swapping Sunday (Mother’s Day) for Saturday and I said yes because I wouldn’t want to stand in the way of an occasion like this. I’ve never tried to make her connection with you difficult.

The rail strikes were confirmed this week, meaning I won’t be able to make it to River Town on Saturday because during rail strikes there are no rail replacement buses. I suggested 2 options for your mum, the first that she makes it down to the Big City using her car, or we revert back to Sunday.

I understand she would have made plans, but equally I would hope that she would be reasonable and take on board that the strikes are not in my control.

At this point it appears she has decided not to switch back meaning a third week of not seeing you and following a 2 week holiday.

Marathon training and having you in my mind

I’m doing the Big City Marathon in just over a month, as I train and do long runs, my mind goes round in circles thinking about you. Your smell, the way our cuddles are a perfect match.

Hopelessness when even being reasonable doesn’t work

I’m really down all the time. I don’t know what happened for all this to happen. Your mum pushes beyond what I thought would be the limits.

The only thing left is for her to accuse me of harming you. I don’t know what I’d do if she does that. I’m 1 accident from losing you. 1 bump in the park or me falling over while holding you. I can’t bear thinking what your mum would do to use it against me.

I have all my energy working to see us through this. My love for you is infinite and I will never give up on being your loving dad together alongside your mum because I want you to have us both in your life equally.

Listen through the podcast

https://open.spotify.com/episode/6dB2JJMRbJ5SwSeWihvzmo?si=Y4AsURcAReCzCoVZVq23Ig

#childArrangementOrder #dadLife #daughter #familyCourt #familyLaw #fatherhood #hopelessness #hostileMother #hostileMum #marathon #marathonTraining #missingYou #MotherSDay #MotheringSunday #parentalAlienation #parentalResponsibility #parenting

Another freezing day in River Town warmed with our love

I’m on the train from Elm Street, fares have gone up, so the train ticket to visit you is even more expensive now.

I’m feeling very run down from the anxiety of what your mum might have in store and the agro she might give at the end our day together.

You’ll be on holiday next week, I won’t see you for 2 weeks almost. 5 weeks off, 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off… This isn’t good enough, our cuddles and kisses need to be more frequent.

Arrival to River Town

Lots of people were hobbling around wearing medals. It was River Town Half Marathon day. I wanted to also run it as part of my marathon training, but given your mum’s relentless hostility, I thought it would be best not to add it to the already difficult conversations taking place. She makes it very difficult to speak about anything beyond what she wants to.

It would’ve been so lovely to run the half and then get lunch together. I could have told you all about it and inspire good sporting habits.

Fortunately, as the race had started much earlier, there wasn’t big impact to the trains, but restaurants were very busy.

Our day

We had a tasty meal at Wagamama. A return visit. The staff are very friendly and accommodate so well for little ones. I’ll try other spots next time when it’s not as busy.

After our lunch, I took you for a walk super wrapped up, to protect against the cold outside. I also had lots of layers on in preparation for wandering the backstreets of River Town, to help you doze off through the bumpy paths.

We joined other kids at the playground where your sense of adventure is building. The slides are a little scary but exhilarating and swings are exciting but you get caught out with the mini g-force on the way back down.

To keep a balance of outside and inside, I made use of the shopping centre to browse for a while to keep us from freezing.

I try not to go to the shops too much and keep it in my back pocket for a rainy or cold day, of which there may be many!

Once I’d given you some snacks and changed you, we headed back to the station, a numb walk physically and emotionally.

It’s hard not finishing the day as I would love to, some warm hugs and letting you know I’ll see you soon. Instead your mum imposes this setup where she becomes the respite from the cold and I’m the one forcing you out for the day during the winter.

Even missing saying goodbye

So often I don’t even get the chance to say goodbye. As we make our way through the groups of tourists, you rest your eyes and wake up with your mum the next time you open them.

At the least today, your mum’s dig at me was minor. She just complained that you were asleep. I barely react.

She knows why you choose to rest while travelling from the centre in the cold. I wish she would think about her hostile behaviour. Not agreeing on a more reasonable meeting point in the centre isn’t in your interest. It’s not worth spiting me if it makes you at all uncomfortable.

Not being together next week

I hope you have a nice holiday and remember me when you’re back.

I’m not allowed to be with you, but you’re always in my thoughts.

Listen through the podcast

https://open.spotify.com/episode/5nqA9ZiPGLCS9V4w3gvW24?si=1ayYAcG7Q1m-7Hr3zp75Ow

#abusiveMother #coldWeather #dad #dadLife #daughter #family #familyCourt #fatherSRights #fatherhood #hostileMother #keepingWarm #kids #lunchTogether #missingYou #parenting #playground #thinkingOfYou #toddler #toddlerLife #trainRides #travellingToSeeYou #winter

Your mum’s false allegations to family court

It’s been a horrendous couple of days.

Yesterday I woke up to emails from your mum’s lawyers. Half asleep, my stomach tightened in reaction to what I dreaded would be inside… it was much worse that I thought possible.

Your mum has accused me of abuse. She is lying and maliciously exaggerating as a way of taking you from me. She doesn’t want us to have a relationship, or even develop a friendship.

I’m writing this on my phone on the train. I’m crying, it’s humiliating. Keeping busy is the only thing I can do to try to cope.

Everything I’ve prepared for and patience I’ve given to your mum is meaningless against her lies.

I treated her with care and looked after you both. You are precious to me. She is trying to destroy me and steal you from me.

All I can think about is how I won’t be able to look after you in a time of need and how she’s doing everything she can to ruin our relationship.

My hands are shaking. My body won’t release from panic mode. I’m a complete wreck.

If you need help 🆘

I understand how life can get really really hard. Please seek help if you’re struggling. There are many organisations that can lend an ear and offer compassion and privacy at your time of need.

Please do not suffer on your own. We all go through rough periods in our lives and may need support to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Contact Samaritans (UK) or one of the other organisations if you’re having suicidal or difficult thoughts.

I have compiled a list of organisations that support men and women in the UK. You can also google for support where you are in the world.

Listen through the podcast

https://open.spotify.com/episode/53F7fcXgUA1jCYxmcr3yZP?si=XkwVNoycRQeVW5qfXFQ2BA

#brokenFamily #dad #dadLife #daughter #falseAllegations #family #familyCourt #fatherSRights #fatherhood #hostileCoparent #hostileMother #myGirl #myLittleOne #myLove #parentalAlienation #parenting

Our fuzzy family member has passed

I heard from your uncle that Pluto passed today.

You met him too few times but I’m pleased you had the chance. Hearing you giggle with him was one of my highlights of last year

Pluto has been in the family since before you were born. It’s incredible all the things that have happened, from when he was a puppy to you being born.

Something that was very similar between you both, was your tenderness.

If heaven exists, we’ll all be reunited one day I suppose!

One of my favourite videos is of you chasing Pluto around giggling and pulling at his hair. Maybe you were jealous!

Difficult memories

The last few times we were together with Pluto bring difficult memories. In the summer, our time had been cancelled again and again so grandma suggested we travel to River Town even if it was only a moment.

We travelled for hours and hours and your mum only allowed us 2 hours. She said it was because you had been unwell, but also refused to meet in the centre, probably 5 minutes in the car, which meant that we lost an hour travelling between the centre and the station.

I can’t understand how it would be in your interest to be needlessly taken in the buggy for an hour rather than enjoying the weather at the park with the family dog.

The last time you saw Pluto was when we went to visit grandma and the following day, just days before my birthday and Christmas, your mum refused to let us go to see your uncle and took you.

I wish memories of Pluto and you were happier and without this struggle and pain.

The future

One day there will be more pets and little ones. We’ll snuggle together when we’re under the weather and have the best time at picnics.

Listen through the podcast

https://open.spotify.com/episode/6CY3KZr7AJckBIPLdtu3ld?si=6j7qvgnYQveoa661DH9fZA

#dadLife #daughter #deadDog #deadPet #dogs #familyLife #familyPets #familyProblems #fatherSRights #fatherhood #fuzzyFriends #grievingProcess #hostileMother #littleGirl #memoriesOfPets #pets #summerMemories #toddlerAndDog #toddlerDad

Chatty in River Town calling me da-da

It was a cold but sunny winter’s morning and on my way to see you there were more train strikes and some works on the usual City Square station route so I took a different train from Purple Lane which takes longer.

I prepped a different meal for you. As you like mushy things at the moment, I boiled a red pepper, peeled the skin off and separately boiled chicken to combine with some yoghurt. Blended – it should taste nice. I prepped a few finger foods for you too, it’s adorable seeing you pick the pieces and eat like an adult at a wine and cheese party.

I considered places for you to roam during our time together, unfortunately the parks are too muddy so perhaps museum or touristy spots are best.

Our day

It was our first festive day! The start was tricky, you wanted to stay with mum and after a bit of time at Pret (where you had a babyccino, it seems your first Pret too!) Eventually, you settled enough to head off with me.

After lunch at Yo Sushi, where the staff were super friendly and helpful, we went to the square where there were performances all day for the Christmas lights switch-on. We danced, you smiled and laughed and cautiously admired a few pups too!

With our limited time, I thought it would be best to be indoors to keep warm and give you space to roam. We went to the animal history museum where there were loads of skeletons, preserved creatures in jars and taxidermy. Your naughty self wanted to climb on the precious exhibits and run around.

I gave you as much chance as possible to have fun and during a little break you treated me to saying ‘daa-daa’ lots, which fortunately I got a video of!

It was a lovely day, but it’s getting much harder during this colder weather. I’ll persevere as long as the trains are running. I’ll be happy to spend the day with you rain or snow.

Heading back to handover

Sadly your mum is still being hostile. After that long day, she still finds ways of criticising. The half-hour walk back to that station isn’t particularly interesting and I wrap you up cosy, so you tend to fall asleep on the way. Knowing this, your mum still keeps commenting that you’re not sleeping enough and sleeping too much. Nothing is ever right, it seems.

Something will change one day. For now, the interaction with her is usually something very negative and makes leaving you for another week even more unnecessarily sad.

Listen through the podcast

https://open.spotify.com/episode/3Mc6MozS4K9LbWptgSbtvs?si=1Ek8OxaLSIGxVxSwHzSVew

#autumn #blogging #Christmas #coldWeather #dad #dadLife #daddy #daughter #emotions #family #fatherSRights #fatherhood #food #gratitude #grief #happiness #heartbreak #hostileMother #kids #life #littleGirl #love #memories #missingYou #myGirl #onlineWriting #parentalAlienation #parenting #relationship #toddler #toddlerDad #words #writing