Even though things are still hard, I am becoming more centred in myself and more myself again.

I am literally thinking back to how I used to be "before" this or that event happened and one thing was that when I was between 13-16 years old, I considered myself an anarchist and was very interested in and enthusiastic about anarchy!

BUT I was still "me" (to some extent) in character and demeanour. At age 16, my older brother and other "friends" influenced me - or I let them, I looked up to them and wanted to learn - to become more driven by fear, anger, upset. By a lot of trauma feelings. Over the years, these circles would literally push my trauma trigger points on purpose to get me to agree with their interpretation of ideology and to go along to their demos and actions and stuff.

And I'm not saying I was a passive victim, I was not. I had agency.

What I do want to change now though, is I want to ground my politics in what I feel is MY personality and worldview and way of going about things. The word "ground" here as the cure for "charged". Things were charged up with trauma and trigger energy in ways that was supremely unhealthy for me and stunted my ability to reach and connect with others.

I want to be a mellow radical again. Someone who is, like 16yo me, interested in almost anything, enthusiastic about learning and debate, who brings their good heart into it and sees words as more than cold logical reason and theory, but as vehicles for all that we are, our hearts and souls.

I have learned and experienced a lot and grown and I am different in many ways than I used to be. And that's good! But it's also good for me to think back to what was always awesome about me and celebrate and revive that!

edit: for clarity, I still probably am an anarchist by many people's standards and I have always and still do feel very fond of and connected to anarchist ideas, practices (Mutual aid! DIY! Zines! YAY!) and communities. But since my brother and his friends (who were abusers) sort of tainted anarchist and other radical theory and practice for me, it feels like I need to *reinvent* a lot of it for myself. I'm not *distancing* myself from it, only from the toxic dynamics a few people bring along.

#CultRecovery

Was gonna write a blog post about how to grow an authentic personality as an adult who grew up in abuse or a cult or authoritarianism in some form that prevented healthy personality formation in childhood. Where we grew up with a pseudo personality, a false self, constantly wearing a mask and there not being a "real me" under the mask! Because it could never form.

But it can form at any age, if given the chance. Freedom from abuse, safety, and even just one healthy, supportive relationship are what we need. Souls are resilient and can never be fully suppressed, not forever. We can get traumatised and messed with and all sorts of stuff, but we still have our true potential in us, somewhere, even if it is (temporarily) hidden.

Like a flower out of a dung heap, we can grow. Post traumatic growth is real.

#AurinTheCounselor #ProCounseling #CultRecovery #PseudoPersonality #MentalHealth #trauma #CPTSD #dissociation #DID #mask #FalseSelf #PostTraumaticGrowth

I am ALSO feeling optimistic and noticing how my understanding continually grows and evolves while I learn more and reflect more, especially on my cult exiting journey and recovering from that and unlearning a whole bunch of messages.

I'm working on a lot of stuff that's not cult-specific, like general black and white thinking, the assumption that people who have opposing viewpoints or politics (or are members of religious groups that seem weird and extreme to me) need to be treated with open contempt lest I accidentally embolden them with my social support.

I'm trying to refine my understanding on this point, because it seems especially tricky, but I'm thinking more along the lines of finding ways to treat someone well as a Human Being, while still opposing their shitty viewpoints and not extending the support to that. Which I'll have to learn more about and am looking forward to learning!

#CultRecovery

Horrified by mental health professionals who are indoctrinated into AA ideology

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DA587aJN8l8

#TeamFreedom #LeavingAA #CultRecovery #CriticalThinking #CultReligion #RecoveringFromRecovey #DeprogramAA #DeprogrammingAlcoholicsAnonymous #LifeAfterAA #EmotionalSobriety #SelfTrust #ReclaimYourPower #SobrietyBestiePodcast #ThoughtReform #MindControl #MindControlRecovery #Brainwashing

I used to be ruled by fear. All the abuse and trauma throughout my life meant that I never had a safety net and never anyone or anything I could trust or fall back on. I trusted myself and my own discernment least of all because I was the one who got blamed for everything.

No longer. Two years ago, I made a commitment to not let fear hold me back from doing what I know is right. And I stuck with it. It changed the way I live my life.

Last year, I made another commitment to myself, one which I didn't know how to put into words, but I stuck with anyway: That I would no longer separate myself from myself. I would no longer abuse my own body by pushing past my limits, for example.

I am now staying with myself, staying connected to my body, staying ME, despite all the trauma and fear I'm suffering. It is hard but it is worth it. Not only am I growing and learning and HEALING old wounds despite the current circumstances - I am also bringing all of my abilities, strengths and knowledge to the fight.

I'm no longer letting myself get cut off from myself. It's the equivalent of having functioning supply and communication lines while under attack. It can't give me everything or protect me from all dangers, but it's giving me the best chance I'm gonna get.

1/5 🧵

#AbuseRecovery #TraumaRecovery #CultRecovery #about #fear #EmotionalHealing #dissociation #DID #AbuseSurvivor #RapeSurvivor

I have founded a group for abuse survivors (of past or present abuse) and those who question whether they were or are experiencing or witnessing abuse or coercive control or undue influence or someone is using power over them and retaliating against them when they don't "behave".

I myself survived childhood sexual abuse, incest, abuse by a cult, my therapist, psychiatry nurses, sibling, friends, queerplatonic partner/girlfriend, roommate and harrassment from a nazi neighbor plus landlords. I kinda got a bad start to life (in germany) and then people tended to make it worse instead of helping me or they took advantage of me.

So I learned a lot about what does and doesn't help!

And I want to help you out, whether you went through something you fear no one will believe or be able to stomach hearing about, or you think it was probably nothing and you overreact. You don't overreact! Nothing is too small to be worth talking about.

I'm making a space to have a warm, supportive, good vibes atmosphere that we co-create together. We'll help each other grow and see through confusions and distortions of the truth and gain more agency, to make choices, decisions and do stuff and have an impact on the world.

We'll also have fun and laugh and cry and eat cookies and discover what it's like to argue with someone who doesn't slice you to ribbons emotionally.

Anyone is welcome regardless of age, gender, ability, neurotype, location or background. I just ask that you help make the group a good space, be that by complaining when everyone else is too polite to say anything or by listening or by sharing. Please don't worry that by joining you'll take up too much space or take resources away from someone who might need them more — you ARE our space and our resources!

The first step is, once we have at least a handful of people, to decide when and how often to meet.
I use @delta delta chat for its privacy and because it works with spotty internet and very little tech knowledge. It works on desktop and mobile. You can download the app from google's or apple's appstore or FDroid or their website delta.chat (watch me not get the preview to work)
It was super easy to make an account and didn't require anything other than a username - no phone number or email address (or password).

DM me for an invite, which is a link that you click to join the group. The group is invite only to keep out spam and abusers.

Please boost and share this post, including on other sites or however it works for you, or by talking about it and linking here.

#abuse #AbuseCulture #AbuseSurvivor #trauma #MentalHealth #MutualAid #CommunityCare #SelfCare #dissociation #csa #childAbuse #ElderAbuse #EatingDisorder #recovery #cult #CultRecovery #healing #empowerment #EmpowerWomen #growth #resist #rape #RapeCulture #RapeSurvivor #survivor

I am enduring a lot of fear right now. But I am staying myself. And I am *enduring* instead of running away, going numb or into denial or mania or panic or paranoia. I am working so fucking hard to stay me AND face reality at the same time.

It's so fucking hard.

#MentalHealth #CultRecovery

My brain is like a maze, or at least sometimes that's a helpful metaphor (others include giant rubiks cubes and 4-dimensional puzzles). It's like this because of all the trauma and gaslighting.

I walk through my brain with one hand trailing the left wall, always turning left. I have to explore all the dead ends because sometimes they are important. Most importantly, I have to overcome the fear of my own brain (and heart and soul).

This belongs to me. I am not falling over dead from thinking the wrong thing. I have to prove this to myself the slow, hard way because I was convinced otherwise, by abusers.

This body is mine and only mine, and that includes the brain! I get to be in here. I am allowed. I am allowed in all corners.

I get to press the buttons and pull the triggers, no one else! I defuse the triggers by walking these paths.

#MentalHealth #CultRecovery