Because mastodon is like a 99% male audience, I will say this: if you have an aging mother you are in relationship with and care about, do NOT make her go through medical stuff alone. I am skilled & mean enough to fight through medical stuff and even so you would not believe how bad it is. Just accept that you cannot imagine.
I talk to a lot of people's aging moms and they are abandoned & alone even in nice families. I don't care how awkward it is, you have to try to ask them about it.
Our moms are suffering because no one cares and they aren't telling anyone. They're getting diagnoses 15 years late, they're being bullied about medications, they're silent about what they're going through.
The difference between the younger women and the older women in the patient groups I'm in is horrific. I have listened to many, many people's moms describe years of suffering that could've been prevented. I am not trying to lay on any guilt. I'm just saying a little bit could go a long way.
@grimalkina That's ok! ๐ Your answer shows me that it doesn't seem to be a problem of one country only despite the very different health care systems in the world.
(I first read your post connected to a certain health care system.)
@msbellows โฅ๏ธ๐๐๐๐
Playing in mud is good for us!!!!
If I were there I would sing Rick Charette's song, "I Love Mud" to her-
Chorus:
"Mud, mud, I love mud!
I'm absolutely, positively wild about mud.
I can't go around it. I've got to go through it.
Beautiful, fabulous, super duper mud."
I have loved that song for decades, and sing the chorus at every opportunity. Your post reminds me there are probably mud puddles waiting for me at the dump. They often have cool rocks hiding on them.
Mud luscious and puddle wonderful-what is that from???? Yhink, think, think
Oh, yes! Found it!!!! e e. cummings๐
@bitecode who do you think I am, John Green?? Where am I getting the money and time to make all of that on top of all the free labor I am already doing? This is literally a call to action for other people to do more BECAUSE I am already at the absolute limits of how much I can help with this.
I don't mind respectful content requests, but telling me "you have to do x" and "you need x" is NOT it.
@grimalkina
Yep, good thread.
26 years ago I moved my parents from their home 200 miles away into the 'granny flat' I set for them on the ground floor of my home. I moved them while they were still well enough to make the move and resettle, and progressively provided more and more care for them over the years.
Dad died a couple of years ago, and now I am just caring for Mum.
We take her to her appointments, my wife drives, I take Mum in and sit through the consultations with her. I make sure she has meds and support, personal as well as medical.
Mum is 93 now and still going strong. We are planning a move to rural Wales and will take Mum with us. I will probably still be caring for her when I am 70.
I am also still working, employed part time, self employed, and a volunteer.
@tankgrrl @grimalkina The med student, BTW, is apparently a 4th yr student and has subsequently deleted his accounts. He got all that way being sexist and insensitive. Something is very wrong with their training.
Based on his content, he looks to be a doctor with a future sexual misconduct charge. I hope whatever action Mayo Clinic is taking addresses this.
@grimalkina Even if you are a former medic (mum was a nurse) having company for medical care is invaluable. I attended appointments with my mum when she lost some hearing at 63 (she was a teacher of the deaf at the time) and recently happened to be visiting when she got a nasty UTI.
My Dr stepdad benefitted from my mum's support when he got ill in the weeks before his sudden death. Urology said they rarely received a fully-hydrated patient after a day in A&E... Mum had bullied Stepdad to drink!
Thanks for offering thoughtful observations and kind advice on this important topic.
This is relevant to aging spouses as well as mothers. It's all too easy, and common, to assume that, if we aren't hearing requests for help, none is needed.
Yeah, that is so hard. We have one of those in our family. I just keep pointing out that itโs impossible for anyone to keep track of everything in the moment at appointments, and itโs really helpful to have another set of ears to take notes. Also, in an emergency, itโs great to have someone who already knows something about your medical history. Or where to look for all the financial and legal stuff!
Describing the situation in one particular country in a toot in international Fediverse without ever mentioning which country's situation that toot refers to: In my experience, that's mostly done by toot authors from the USA. Here, too?
I briefly tried to determine country of origin from the various resources linked from @grimalkina 's profile, but failed. (No impressum, so she's highly unlikely to be a European author.)
Fathers, too. Which is what I tested.
Mothers probably even worse, I have no reason not to believe.
I am summarizing over experiences and conversations I've had with European women in these patient communities, Canadian women, AND women in South America and US, so I felt comfortable speaking about this as a shared issue across many systems. I have family in the UK, EU, Canada, US. My main patient chat represents all those regions and 10+ countries.
Don't EVER speak about my labor on women's health in this objectifying, dismissing, asshole reply guy way again.
@dj3ei Here's some research relevant to women in Germany including monitoring from your own health monitoring infrastructure:
https://academic.oup.com/eurpub/article/31/Supplement_3/ckab164.778/6405271?login=false
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6790957/
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26818655/
https://www.mdpi.com/1660-4601/19/14/8277
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6288397/
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19564209/
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8864567/
https://www.europarl.europa.eu/RegData/etudes/STUD/2025/778519/IUST_STU(2025)778519_EN.pdf
Yes, @grimalkina! I'm Canadian, we have social healthcare unlike many in the US, and still I heartily endorse this message. I've also dealt with the German healthcare system (even more baffling than here).
The difficulty is not just with healthcare systems, but mysogyny, disrespect of the elderly, failure to listen, bullying ... and these can and do go on everywhere. ๐
I'm happy I called the original toot "good stuff" all along. Incidentally, I still do.
I made the mistake thinking this reflects on the USA system only. (I've heard bad things about the USA's medical system.) I was honestly mistaken, had no intention to narrow or weaken.
And I made the even bigger mistake of just grumbling, instead of simply asking, as @sennoma correctly pointed out.
I do apologize for both these mistakes.
@MostlyBlindGamer @grimalkina @dj3ei as I fight my way to the help I need (me, a stubborn woman, with a lifetime's experience of fighting with doctors), I am constantly aware of how many women must get left in the dust, un-helped - because they don't have language to push back, or are too polite, or don't know where the loopholes are, or are simply too exhausted to continue.
When it comes to doctors: it needs a good BS detector, research skills, courage to say NO. Sick folks may need a helper.
Thanks for making the international scope of your original toot transparent!
I underestimated the scope of your work. Please kindly accept my apologies!
@grimalkina
I take my mother to all of her medical appointments and take full notes. I manage her pills. I visit her every Sunday with my son, bring her food, get her to eat, and spend hours with her.
And that despite the fact that she abused the hell out of me as a child, and did a lot of permanent damage.
@Quasit @grimalkina
this is what comes to mind for me. many people's parents are abusive and i can't blame them for going no contact or not going into debt to give them medical care
it's cool that you made it work though
i've been dealing with my mom's medical and financial stuff for a few years now. it's insane. the US medical industry and financial institutions really do seem to want the elderly to just die but give them all their money first.
my sister and i tag team being on the phone when she's at the doctor's and we both review all visit reports and talk to the doctors and insurance as necessary.
i truly pity elderly folks that don't have someone to assist them with all this, someone fully in their corner.
@Petesmom @grimalkina
First you are too young to be sick, then too hormonal in your teens, then too far or skinny or something, definitelly hysterical, then again hormonal in your menopause years, and then you lack the hormones until you die. Did I get it right?
I of course personally just left the l train that track was leading to (I am a trans person) and have noticed how concerningly better I am treated by doctors (unless they learn I am trans). Something about being more male-presenting...
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