Mastodawn

Cat Hicks Mar 17

Because mastodon is like a 99% male audience, I will say this: if you have an aging mother you are in relationship with and care about, do NOT make her go through medical stuff alone. I am skilled & mean enough to fight through medical stuff and even so you would not believe how bad it is. Just accept that you cannot imagine.

I talk to a lot of people's aging moms and they are abandoned & alone even in nice families. I don't care how awkward it is, you have to try to ask them about it.

Our moms are suffering because no one cares and they aren't telling anyone. They're getting diagnoses 15 years late, they're being bullied about medications, they're silent about what they're going through.

The difference between the younger women and the older women in the patient groups I'm in is horrific. I have listened to many, many people's moms describe years of suffering that could've been prevented. I am not trying to lay on any guilt. I'm just saying a little bit could go a long way.

Cat Hicks Mar 17

It doesn't have to be this way. I have helped multiple older women argue to get past primary care and get to specialists and learn that there is better science than decades ago, that has studied more women, but there's only one of me in these chats. You can't fix the system but if you have an older woman in your life you can ask if you can research something for them, or go to an appointment and make sure they're heard, or suggest the random pains they have are a thing that needs attention.

Joby (chaotic good)Mar 17

@grimalkina I once saw a post that I think about a lot, something like: all of women’s medicine is like “we know this thing about your body is 100% true because we did one study 70 years ago. They studied one rat. The rat was male.”

Frank Watson Mar 18

@joby @grimalkina Opinion: So many that work in medicine do it to make a living not to care for people. It's a job. Nothing in the system encourages excellence so care givers eventually give in to the system. Thank you to advocates, care givers and and administrators that find the energy to resist. We learn to Advocate as our older family members slowly die and we try to support them. So confusing, so tiring, so much ignorance and indifference. And, we are next.

@grimalkina I helped my mom at appointments and noticed too that I was taken much more seriously if I dressed up/ dressed professional, not casually. Annoying that it matters, but it definitely did. Also had to continually redirect the conversation back to her, so she would be taken seriously and not ignored or talked around. This takes work.

Petra van Cronenburg Mar 17

@grimalkina May I ask about which country you speak?

Cat Hicks Mar 17

@NatureMC no you may not. I have family in multiple countries and this is a theme across all of them. I think you are capable of generalizing from one person's narrative in a specific context and adapting it to your own.

Petra van Cronenburg Mar 17

@grimalkina That's ok! 👍 Your answer shows me that it doesn't seem to be a problem of one country only despite the very different health care systems in the world.

(I first read your post connected to a certain health care system.)

M.S. Bellows, Jr.Mar 17

@grimalkina Not just moms. My wife is 71 (seven years older than me), and there's a reason she still spends all day every day in the garden doing heavy stuff, and walks for miles with her friend, and our love life is even better than it was when she was 40: we've both fought to get her the right medical care instead of letting them let her get "old." Hips, heart, hearing, hormones. Next up: cataracts, and then she'll see better than she did at 20!

BrambleBearSnoring Mar 17

@msbellows ♥️💜💚💛🌞

Playing in mud is good for us!!!!

If I were there I would sing Rick Charette's song, "I Love Mud" to her-

Chorus:

"Mud, mud, I love mud!
I'm absolutely, positively wild about mud.
I can't go around it. I've got to go through it.

Beautiful, fabulous, super duper mud."

M.S. Bellows, Jr.Mar 17

@BrambleBearSnoring @grimalkina Oh, that is superb. I'm finding that and playing it at an opportune time. Thank you!

BrambleBearSnoring Mar 17

@msbellows @grimalkina

I have loved that song for decades, and sing the chorus at every opportunity. Your post reminds me there are probably mud puddles waiting for me at the dump. They often have cool rocks hiding on them.

Mud luscious and puddle wonderful-what is that from???? Yhink, think, think

BrambleBearSnoring Mar 17

@msbellows @grimalkina

Oh, yes! Found it!!!! e e. cummings💚

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/47247/in-just

[in Just-]

in Just- spring when the world is mud- luscious the little lame balloonman whistles far and wee and eddieandbill come running…

The Poetry Foundation

M.S. Bellows, Jr.Mar 17

@BrambleBearSnoring @grimalkina You're my new favorite person here.

BrambleBearSnoring Mar 18

@msbellows 😁💚🌞🌻@grimalkina

Cat Hicks Mar 17

@msbellows <3 <3 <3 !!!

Bite Code!Mar 17

@grimalkina I'm interested in hearing what you have to say, but you have to make it clearer because this is a topic many have absolutely zero knowledge about. We need examples, steps to take, and advice. You really need to spell it out. Talking with your aging parents is not easy. Autonomy, shame and ego are all mixed up in there. There is history on top of that. So can you give us a head start? In fact, a dedicated podcast episode would rock. Something one could also share with relatives.

Cat Hicks Mar 18

@bitecode who do you think I am, John Green?? Where am I getting the money and time to make all of that on top of all the free labor I am already doing? This is literally a call to action for other people to do more BECAUSE I am already at the absolute limits of how much I can help with this.

I don't mind respectful content requests, but telling me "you have to do x" and "you need x" is NOT it.

Bite Code!Mar 19

@grimalkina I see. You seem to be going through hard times. I'll make sure you don't hear from me again.

Alfred Chow - Maker of Things Mar 17

@grimalkina
Yep, good thread.

26 years ago I moved my parents from their home 200 miles away into the 'granny flat' I set for them on the ground floor of my home. I moved them while they were still well enough to make the move and resettle, and progressively provided more and more care for them over the years.
Dad died a couple of years ago, and now I am just caring for Mum.
We take her to her appointments, my wife drives, I take Mum in and sit through the consultations with her. I make sure she has meds and support, personal as well as medical.
Mum is 93 now and still going strong. We are planning a move to rural Wales and will take Mum with us. I will probably still be caring for her when I am 70.

I am also still working, employed part time, self employed, and a volunteer.

💀 𝓕airchild 💀Mar 17

@grimalkina And they're already starting with the 'many doctors simply don't listen to what women tell them' handicap. :/

@tankgrrl @grimalkina There is a current tiktok/IG scandal, in which a cute male med student thought that making videos making fun of patients, especially women, was somehow "funny" and great content. Called out by SO many doctors, which showed another issue. Women doctors were accused of "not being able to take a joke," whereas men doctors were praised for encouraging professionalism. A male doctor pointed out: if women doctors were faced with that, imagine what female patients go through.

@tankgrrl @grimalkina The med student, BTW, is apparently a 4th yr student and has subsequently deleted his accounts. He got all that way being sexist and insensitive. Something is very wrong with their training.

Based on his content, he looks to be a doctor with a future sexual misconduct charge. I hope whatever action Mayo Clinic is taking addresses this.

💀 𝓕airchild 💀Mar 18

@CStamp @grimalkina

*sigh*

We should have left the age of 'hysteria' behind 150 years ago.

@tankgrrl @grimalkina Yep. And someone studying at the Mayo Clinic? He made them look really bad.

NatalyaD Mar 18

@grimalkina Even if you are a former medic (mum was a nurse) having company for medical care is invaluable. I attended appointments with my mum when she lost some hearing at 63 (she was a teacher of the deaf at the time) and recently happened to be visiting when she got a nasty UTI.

My Dr stepdad benefitted from my mum's support when he got ill in the weeks before his sudden death. Urology said they rarely received a fully-hydrated patient after a day in A&E... Mum had bullied Stepdad to drink!

world's worst goth Mar 19

@grimalkina my first instinct here was to yes-and a suggestion folks offer such support for younger women in their lives, too, given the differences in care I've seen when family, especially male family, just show up. Then I was suddenly hit by the realization I am old enough to be that parent of adult nerds on this very platform. Oh no.

Cat Hicks Mar 19

@worldsworstgoth oh I completely I agree I just think, cynically, it's much harder to get older men to care about anything here so the selection of a set of identities was to optimize the potential for compassion and privilege to exist together there

Dianora (Diane Bruce)Mar 17

@grimalkina Hitting a nerve. BTDT for my mother.