When someone points out one thing came before another to support an argument simply respond very confidently “only chronologically!”

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Title

Piiig (say it aloud)

“A man walks into a bar.

It hurt.”

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was< unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close their business. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Two muffins are in an oven. One says to the other “damn, it’s hot in here.” The other says “AHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!??”

So you know how geese fly in that V-formation to reduce air resistance?

You know how sometimes the one arm of the “V” is longer than the other?

You know why that is?

Because that side has more geese.

Best told while you’re just out shooting the shit walking around outside when you can point out some geese acting like you’re just pointing out another fun nature fact.

The Tactical Velcro Opening Secret

It works really well sitting around a campfire with kids.

Another one I’ve gotten a lot of good mileage out of

I once joked to my wife that avocados need to get better prizes because I always seem to get the same one- a little wooden ball.

Now, anytime I’m in the kitchen preparing something with avocados, I’ll let out an audible groan of frustration.

Which always prompts my wife to ask, usually from the other room “What’s wrong?”

To which I always reply “Another wooden ball”

Always good for a groan and some eye rolls from the wife.

What kind of bird is always getting hurt? An owl

A man walked into a shop; there was a shovel.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Interrupting horse

Interrupting hor…

Neigh!!

natethesnake.com

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Tap for spoiler

Anyone can mash potatoes.

What is Super Mario's favorite vegetable? A Nintentato!

Guys, did you know my dad is CIA?

spoiler

CIA, Chinese In America

spoiler

(I took Chinese class in my US Highschool and the teacher was from Taiwan and he said the “CIA” joke in class and it was so silly lmfao, but that just stuck in my head, since I’m ethnic Chinese, I’ve always wanted to say a silly joke like that.)

"Do you know why that side of the birds is longer? "( Pointing at V formation of seagals flying over)

… “There’s more birds on that side”

It’s so fucking dumb and all about timing

I like one that really needs to be told in person, but here. What’s the key to a good joke timing

Tap for spoiler

The way you say it is with terrible timing

A blonde walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

So the barman gave it to her.

Why do the french never have 2 eggs for breakfast?

Because 1 egg’s un oeuf.

Why did the short-sighted man fall in the well?

He couldn’t see that well.

What's red and hurts?

A brick.

“I’m hungry.”

“Hi hungry, I’m dad”

I do it almost every time and my daughter hates it.

I’m still found of the classic “Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!” Those kids going on about 6-7 like it’s some kind of power couple don’t know what they’re doing to poor 6.

Asked my North Korean friend how things are back at home.
He said he can’t complain.

What gets louder as it gets smaller?
Baby in a trash compactor.

“Not the sharpest bulb in the tree”

Why do Native American hate snow? Because it’s white and on their land.

What’s red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.