Mike Perham 3d ago
morganth

I went to a talk lately that was mostly about something else, but the speaker came out with:

“If you only remember one thing from this talk, remember this. Everyone in this room who likes helping people, raise your hand.”

Every hand, or nearly every hand, went up.

“If you like asking other people for help, keep your hand up.”

Almost every hand went back down.

“As you can see, people like helping you. When you ask for help, you’re making them feel good, even if you don’t like asking.”

I’ve genuinely forgotten the rest of the presentation but I won’t forget that.

Jun 11 at 10:43pmWeb
Show threadmorganth3d ago
Hah, posting this makes me realize exactly why I get frustrated when volunteer opportunities aren’t available. I volunteer via New York Cares, which lists opportunities on their website when they become available, and I get frustrated when there isn’t anything there I can do. I should be happy about that—that means everyone who asked for help got it—but I’m frustrated because I was denied that opportunity to be the helper.
Show threadRickd63d ago
@morganth look for a senior center or local small business or even an individual senior who is close to you and offer your services when needed. It might be a while before they ask but you will open a possibility.
Show threadmorganth3d ago
@Rickd6 Thanks, that's a good suggestion.
Show threadR.L. Dane   🍵 4d ago

@morganth

Beautiful.

Show threadLykso4d ago

@morganth TBH, I tend to think that people *don't* really like being asked for help, but they like to think otherwise of themselves.

I'd like to think I'm wrong, but this does seem to fit with my experiences. 🙃

Show threadmorganth4d ago
@lykso I can only speak for myself but I genuinely do, unless it’s someone who I know I can’t trust. And without deanonymizing myself I think that most people in that particular room do too. (It’s a very supportive community that I belong to.)
Show threadCiggy Bringer of Smoke3d ago

@lykso @morganth

I would qualify this - most people don't like being asked for help they seemingly can't provide, like there is a resentment around 'how dare you ask me for something I can't provide, you're humiliating me'. It's a weird faux pas for sure, but it comes from the place you're thinking of - people want to be a help if they can be (and think of themselves as such) and don't like feeling unhelpful if pressed.

Show threadmorganth3d ago
@ciggysmokebringer @lykso That is a good nuance and I agree.
Show threadLykso3d ago
@morganth @ciggysmokebringer I think there's also an element of feeling interrupted or distracted in certain contexts, as well as resentment or irritation if it seems like something the person asking for help ought to be able to do themselves. Or if the task is one which the person being asked for help just doesn't enjoy doing.
Show threadMWT3d ago
@lykso @morganth in my experience, the help people want to provide rarely matches up with the help I need.
Show threadLykso3d ago
@mwt @morganth Right. People like to feel helpful, and they like the feeling of *having* helped, but they are only happy to do the actual help if a whole heap of unconscious terms and conditions apply.
Show threadearbs 💖💛💙3d ago
@lykso @morganth personally it depends whether I feel like the asker values my time and effort.
If I can teach/empower them, if they've put in the effort, if they ask good questions or have a good problem description, or if they're in need and appreciative, excellent. If it feels like they're asking me to do their homework or housework for them, or they get me started then fire up candy crush, maybe I've got better things to do.
Show threadEmmy, Gendermancer5h ago

@rileywd @lykso @morganth maybe y'all are just negative, judgemental people. I would love some help with my housework. I've lived in my place for a year, and it's never been completely clean. For a few months, I got close many times, but I've been too depressed to ever get there.

And sometimes I did play videogames or watch TV instead of doing chores. You know why? Because doing chores while I feel suicidal doesn't help push those thoughts away. You know what does? A good distraction like video games.

I love to help people. Especially when I feel bad. That's another part of the reason I haven't cleaned my own place completely. I've helped friends move. I've helped friends through hard emotional times. I've helped people that "don't deserve" it, like my abusive ex, because she's genuinely flailing out here.

Meanwhile, I can't bring myself to ask for help because people say stuff like this pretty frequently in person, and I would rather stew in my depressive mess indefinitely than give people a "reason" for spreading their negative, frankly ableist, nonsense.

Show threadearbs 💖💛💙3h ago
@sillyCoelophysis @lykso I'm sorry to hear about that but I said "or if they're in need" for a reason, I did *not* say that people who take downtime don't deserve help, and good fucking god it is not ableist to say that I don't enjoy helping people who aren't appreciative.
Show threadEmmy, Gendermancer2h ago
@rileywd @lykso you could be right. I don't know you, so I certainly don't know what experiences you've had.
Show threadFlaming Cheeto4d ago
@morganth someone put it to me similarly:
When you don't ask for help you genuinely need, you're being selfish. You're denying your friends the opportunity to be the good people they see themselves as.
Show threadOrion Ussner kidder4d ago
@morganth That's very good. I'm going to remember that.
Show threadlibramoon3d ago

@morganth

several years back I was in a terrible headspace due to targeted bullying from a co-worker
I pled with all my then friends to let me talk it out with them, or at least to let me know I was not alone. Every one castigated me for bothering them
I don't ask for help for anything important

Show threadPaul Armstrong3d ago

@libramoon

That's awful. Gives you a very clear picture of how much your friends didn't actually care about you. Being hard rejected when in need is cruel.

I hope you have since made real friends who you could ask for important help from, even if doing so is now somewhat harder emotionally.

Show threadChookMother 🇦🇺🦘3d ago
@libramoon @morganth Those people are not your friends.
Show threadTheNovemberFella ✊🏳️‍🌈 🇺🇦☸️🛰️🚀3d ago
@libramoon @morganth 😞 sorry
Show threadGrovewest3d ago
@libramoon @morganth Someone I knew had terminal cancer. There was a room full of ‘helpers’ who knew and should have stepped up to help. Only two did, one was the pariah of the group (I found out about it from him) and the other was a quiet one most people ignored. The courageous ones who actually help are often those that have felt alone and have the strength to face it. Others are terrified by the thought of it, they literally can’t handle it.
Show threadGiselle3d ago
@libramoon @morganth
That's horrible, what an awful way of finding out that they were good weather "friends". Like someone else on here said, I hope you made and are making friends who are capable of being real friends.
Listening, allowing a friend to talk out a traumatic experience and supporting you with empathy: that's not a big ask. It's actually a pretty low bar.
Wishing you well, and that you can surround yourself with people much more worth your time. All the best!
Show threadKevin Russell3d ago

@morganth

People are funny and weird and good. This is an insight, just like learning you can drive people to anger.

Its a hack of the way we're built, and with more thinking it could make human life SO MUCH better

Show threadJohanna, CanCon variant3d ago

@morganth oh very cool.

Thanks for sharing, because even more of us will remember that now, I hope!

Show threadSpread The Truth3d ago
@morganth so very true! Really speaks to me
Show threadFish Id Wardrobe3d ago
@morganth playing devils' advocate here: everyone likes to help, but not everyone CAN help, or is good at trying to.
Show threadQueen 10663d ago
@morganth does this feed in some way into how men don’t like asking directions.
Show threadChookMother 🇦🇺🦘3d ago
@Queen1066 @morganth I think that's entirely to do with how men think. They like to demonstrate control over the material world. Asking directions means losing face.
Show threadTech Singer3d ago
@morganth With respect, I disagree. Most people don't like helping people, they like being thought of as people who like helping people. Most people don't like asking for help, though, that is true. One of the many reasons that people don't like asking for help is that, when one does, one sees that people don't want to help, they want to be thought of as people who help if asked. They can get the satisfaction of being thought of as people who help without the inconvenience of helping so long as nobody asks them. It is the rare person who, when asked, actually helps enthusiastically. Note that this is, in my experience, when asking for the first time, I do my best not to ask people for help, let alone ask for help often. @Tamasg
Show threadmorganth3d ago
@techsinger @Tamasg As a person, I don’t agree with you. I do a lot of volunteer work (more since the most recent US election), and the reason that I do it it entirely selfish: it’s because it feels good to help people, and I like doing things that make me feel good. I’d like to think that most people feel the same way.
Show threadTech Singer3d ago
@morganth @Tamasg Granted, but the volunteer work was your idea. It wasn't someone specific asking you to help him specifically. To put it differently, it wasn't John Smith asking for help from you, it was the association for doing stuff asking for volunteer hours which you could give. There is, I would respectfully suggest, a difference. My statement/experience is with people who are asked for help by other people, not who go and volunteer to do specific things at their convenience. I also do think these are all generalizations, my statement certainly was. I have met people who actually do enjoy helping when asked, they actually like it, they are not doing it out of obligation. What I'm saying is that they're not the majority, or even a significant minority. This is my experience. I may be wrong, I actually hope I am, but I don't think I am, even in generalizing it. Put it that I wish and hope you and your presenter are right.
Show threadmorganth3d ago
@techsinger @Tamasg That is a legit point. I think there are a lot of people (I’ll humbly put myself in that group) who like being asked for that kind of one-on-one help but I will agree that it’s not everybody. I wish it could be.
Show threadScott M. Stolz3d ago
@Tech Singer You also have to keep in mind that the speaker was addressing a specific audience. People who go to seminars and are into self-improvement are often the givers who want to make the world a better place. They tend to give more than take, which may not be typical of everyone. So when the speaker asked that question, the result is not surprising. If you were to ask a different group of people, you may get different results.

In my experience, certain communities are exactly like you described, but there are also communities that are exactly like @morganth described.
Show threadTech Singer3d ago
@scott That's certainly possible. I was not considering anything about the talk @morganth attended only because I knew nothing about it, it might have been a work/corporate seminar, one for a particular group, something at a conference... I just saw it off the boost, as it were. It's very possible that other people would have answered the question differently. Having said that, it's worth keeping in mind that many people would answer that they wanted to help, only to be seen as giving that answer in any group. There is still, I'm pleased to say, a social stigma to saying "I'm in it for myself and not interested in anyone else, make what you want to of that". That has lessened recently, but it hasn't yet disappeared.
Show threadScott M. Stolz3d ago
@Tech Singer True. Too many people pretend to be whatever makes them look good. But if we roll back the assumption that everyone would be willing to help you, I think the speaker still has a point. The people who genuinely want to help you are happy to help, but most of us push them away, either because we don't believe they really mean it or we don't want to inconvenience them. Close members of your family and perhaps your best friends, for example, might be more than willing to help you out if you asked. Other people, typically not so much, except perhaps in certain circumstances, like a natural disaster.
Show threadAsta3d ago
@morganth I read somewhere (article about psychology I think) that letting people help you also makes them like you more.
Show threadCindy3d ago
@morganth
Balance is important between being a Giver & a Receiver ~ too much giving without receiving may burn us out; too much receiving without giving may make us selfish. Human beings Do NEED Both.
Show threadSnark Week Global3d ago

@morganth

But what if people don't actually like helping other people, but they love to think they do, and that this is in fact the reason why everyone hates asking for it.

Show threadWillow "Wolveric" Catkin3d ago
@morganth And please outline anything you don't understand-  Ingestion of knowledge is an iterative process and we make some assumptions of prior knowledge when working with other people to streamline how we build on that knowledge, but it's a really common blind spot if someone's missing prior knowledge, and they don't highlight what they don't understand...
Show threadNick Lockwood3d ago

@morganth I think there's some nuance to this (isn't there always? 😅)

I love to help with things I am good at and enjoy doing, but being asked to help with something I hate or suck at is a burden

If I volunteer to help, I feel good. If I'm asked, it sometimes feels like an implied criticism for not volunteering (e.g. offering your seat to someone on a bus vs being asked)

It's socially awkward to refuse a request for help. If you ask me and I have to refuse then I resent it

Show threadLillyLyle/Count Melancholia3d ago

@nicklockwood I think there's a lot of truth in what you say. Encouraged by the many people who tell you "Don't be afraid to ask for help", I did so on a couple of occasions, only to discover that asking for help is actually considered to be an imposition, is resented, and is a damn good way to lose friends forever.

@morganth

Show threadStephen  3d ago

@morganth I presonally struggle with this. I am the first to jump in and help someone when they need it, but so afraid to ask for it on my own on the perceived nature that someone won't help me.

This is inspiring.

Show threaddch  3d ago
@morganth I need to know where this came from, I would like to cite it in a talk. Can you share (DM if required) the source? It's a really great line.
Show threadmorganth3d ago
@dch I expect he wouldn't mind having me share his identity. I'll DM you.
Show threadGiselle3d ago
@morganth That's fascinating! That'll stick with me too.
Thank you for sharing
Show threadorkoden3d ago

@morganth There’s a huge difference between wanting to help and actually being able to help.
Being seen as helpful gives status and recognition. Actually helping can be difficult and mean sacrifices.

People who need help often don’t know what kind of help they need and how to ask for. They can usually describe their problem though. Helping someone understand the problem and figure what kind of help they need, is difficult and many would be helpers fail at this point.

Show threadCoffee3d ago
@morganth I fucking love that (and helping people)!
Show threadJessamyn3d ago
@morganth Yes. I'm bad at asking for help, frequently would like to offer it or be helpful, sometimes don't know how. One thing I try to remember is that for some people, just asking "Hey do you want to hang out sometime?" is actually asking for help. I understand there's a bit of an ask/guess culture divide where some people feel put on the spot if you ask them for a thing they can't/won't do, so I try to be careful with my requests, but it's good (and hard,for me) to flex that "asking" muscle.
Show threadChristine Johnson3d ago

@morganth

As others have said, one issue is getting the needs of one person and the capabilities of the other lined up. I try to be proactive in offering help to people who's situation I know - with specific examples of what I can/am willing to do - "I can run errands/pick you up/help in the garden/bring food and visit/read and comment on your proposal/paper."

I've discovered that once you've given and received help a few times from a person/community, it gets easier to do so. You're no longer asking for a special favor, you are continuing the chain.

Show threadDJGummikuh2d ago
@morganth wow I got to build this into something on the next possible occasion, this is strong!
Show threadMaike Küper2d ago
@morganth Oh, genius move!
Show threadPiensaimnieks2d ago

@morganth

I mean it really depends from the person who is asking for help and the type of help in the question.

If I feel like I am being taken advantage of, by the person who regularly takes advantage of other people i wont like being asked for help.

Show threadLaberpferd2d ago

@morganth a comment from someoe who is #ActuallyAutistic and on the drop beyond peak masking

When you ask for help because you need it, people will let you fall and go on. Literally words like "we are not here to spoonfed you"

And im not asking for much, just on the level of "im sorry i will be overwhelmed of the situation of your meetup, could you please give me a bit guidance about your group and can someone actually talk to me please because i will freeze up fromoverload"

Show threadDuka2d ago
@morganth That’s such a powerful reminder. Asking for help isn’t weakness—it’s giving someone else the chance to be strong for you. Really needed to hear this today.