BEHOLD
I have survived another year despite the machinations of my haters, which can mean only one thing:
It's time to BATTLE SOME JAMS
Welcome to the Third Annual
"24 Days Until December 25th"
Ranking of the Entrants in the Bonne Maman Non-denominational Calendar of Jams!
Have my aforementioned haters infiltrated the Bonne Maman kitchen, ensuring that we all endure novel jam flavor combinations that ought never to have existed?
Or have the good people at BM finally headed the free advice from the last two years of #jamvent and filled out calendars solely with delights?
Join me in eating some sugar every morning to find out!
As we open the box, a surprise envelope! It better finally be my invitation to hold the Bonne Maman Endowed Chair in Posting About Jam
No! It's some herbal tea they're now selling. Unfortunately for them I am a long term tea purist and herbal tea is not tea. Cancel me if you dare
Onto the MAIN EVENT
#jamvent #tea #HerbalTeaSucks #CorrectOpinions (actually this whole thread and every post I make should have that hashtag)
December 1: Rhubarb-Strawberry Spread
An audible sigh of relief as I reveal a decent flavor to start us off.
For a moment I fantasize every one of the next 24 days will be equally dignified, that each morning it will feel as though my butler has discreetly stepped just out of sight as I break my fast
BUT cold reality breaks through my dream. It's too sweet! I can SEE the rhubarb threads, it has top billing, but there's almost no tartness. LET HER LIVE HER TRUTH
December 2: Orange-Yuzu-Grapefruit Spread
Longtime #jamvent
enthusiasts will recollect that the Yuzu-containing jams are always some of my favorites.
To take this beautiful fruit and pair it with grapefruit, inedibly bitter and for some people basically literally poison, is a depraved act.
I mean it tastes ok, the yuzu shines initially, but the grapefruit just hangs there ruining everything, like a fart in a limousine
I have often wondered if representatives from Bonne Maman were aware of my annual #jamvent festivities
I can now report with this flavor that they must be!!
how else could they devise such a fiendish, depraved combination of flavors designed specifically to hurt me and everyone I have misguidedly encouraged to go in this journey with me
Anyway see you tomorrow where they BETTER make this right
December 3: Apricot-Peach Spread
The front of the box clearly advertises "Limited Edition" jam flavors.
I assume sometimes they are limited by rare and unusual ingredients. For today, I assume they were limited by how much leftover apricot and peach jams they had on hand to mix together in a bucket
On the other hand, as we saw yesterday, sometimes jam flavors can be TOO adventuresome
Anyway, tasted fine, a little sweet, mostly like apricot dallying below her station
#jamvent #apricot #peach
December 4: Mirabelle Plum - Linden Blossom Spread
Oooh! Four Days in, we're finally getting into flavors I couldn't recreate by setting off a wind-up toy in the produce section of a Target and making jam out of the first two fruits it bumped into
The question is, is it good? Well, do you like pleasantly inoffensive sweetness with a fancy title? Of course you do, you're on Mastodon. A bit like if honey was a jam
#jamvent #plum #flowers #blossom #mirabelle #linden #MirabellePlum #LindenBlossom
I cannot believe I got so into writing my jokes that forgot to attach any of the pictures the first time I posted today. Yesterday I forgot all the hashtags.
It is a pretty accurate glimpse behind the #jamvent curtain to see what I'm really like in the morning, groggy and distracted. Also like this most other times of day as well
December 5: Pear-Cocoa Nibs Spread
Pears are an interesting choice for a jam due to one of their best features (graininess) not really translating to something smooth. Cocoa is something we almost never consume simply for its aromatic qualities, rather than for its delicious cocoa fat.
Despite these odds (or because of them?) this pairing (I'm sorry) really works! Put these two in a Netflix Christmas movie so we can watch them meet-cute all over again
Now, everyone, I do have a tiny announcement:
#jamvent will be on a short hiatus until Thursday afternoon. Once again I am called on to travel to a special location to save neuroscience research from itself 😤😤
I shall review the offerings of December 6, 7, and 8 all at once on Thursday!
In the meantime, I trust you all NOT to form any opinions without consulting me first, as always!!!
If anyone accosts you and demands to speak of jam, simply demur by hiding your face behind your fan
BE NOT AFRAID #jamvent participants and looky-loos!!
I have finally returned to my rightful throne
Unfortunately I wasn't able to get to the back catalog of jams later in the day yesterday (m*n at fault per usual) and now I have to "do" "my" "job" today which is total bs
Anyway I will tell you all how to feel about TODAY'S jam TODAY! And then I shall have an absolute blowout "posting about jams" party Saturday morning
December 9: Orange-Mandarin Spread
You know what they say: no g̶o̶o̶d̶ d̶e̶e̶d̶ triumphant return to power goes unpunished
The text behind the door in the calendar today says:
"Warmest Thoughts".
I assume there were translation issues and what Bonne Maman meant to say was:
"See You In Hell 💖"
Tastes a bit like a citrus-based cleaner with sugar in it. My esophagus now has a streak-free shine
December 6: Strawberry-Red Currant Spread
Actually very delicious. To think that when I was winging away to attend the [redacted] Neuro [redacted] I could have been enjoying this jam, which is so delicious I would probably be able to solve the brain myself if they sold it in larger jars.
Heavy strawberry but delicious tart edge from little bits of currant. They are taunting us with what Rhubarb-Strawberry could have been!!!
December 7: Peach-Jasmine Flower Spread
What did we ever do to deserve this
I had spread so much of the previous delicious jam on the scone I was eating that only a little coin-sized piece remained. "That's ok", I thought, "one of these is bound to be so bad I wouldn't want to sample more than that."
No matter how strong an aromatic jasmine offers, peach easily shouts it down with notes of dirty socks. I wish the scone piece had been even smaller
December 8: Fig-Cardamom Spread
Every year, the jams seem to come from one of three categories:
1) standards / crowd pleasers
2) experiments that ought never to have seen the light of day
3) explicitly Christmas-y flavors
Fig with cardamom seems distinctly Christmas-y to me. Very enjoyable now, but no matter what the lid of the jar says, the expiration date is December 26
And finally
December 10: Apple-Caramel-Cinnamon Spread
Doing these out of order means I am hit with two Christmas-y jams back to back. DJ Bonne Maman is fuming over her playlist
There's no nice way to say this: this jam is a fraud! Caramel involves dairy, and there is none involved here. They are carelessly trading on caramel's good name to market their "sugar with more sugar" apple jam
Tastes like sugared apples and lies. Perfect for Christmas
December 11: Honey
What did I say? I said this honey would appear just at the moment most able to psychologically break me. This year, that is right when I'm trying to get my momentum back. Diabolical
Oh to hell with it it I'm doing a tasting
Heavily crystalized. Bonne Maman is accusing me of keeping my house too cold!! The flavor on a scone is bringing back childhood memories of the best thing from KFC, biscuits and honey. I guess I've always known how to live
December 12: Cherry - Elderflower Spread
A quiet "oh hell yes" escapes my lips as I reveal today's jam.
Very juicy and sweet and tart all at once. Tastes like the platonic ideal of fruit roll ups that all gummy snacks are mere pale shadows of. Gushers could neverrrr
A real struggle not to eat the whole jar today!! but I'm saving some of each for the final rankings at the end of the month. I am, as always, the very picture of restraint
December 13: Pineapple - Yuzu Spread
I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for you!!!
Pineapples I quite like, even in this setting (a reconstituted candied pineapple taste and texture). Yuzu I obviously love. I technically CAN taste the yuzu, but not until a front wave of pineapple has trampled all over the tongue
It was all fun and games when I couldn't taste the alleged flower notes but now they've made a powerful* enemy
*Exclusions and restrictions apply
I hate today's jam. I am on strike.
I had a dream last night that I was in a "And Then There Were None" style murder mystery situation set in a large Victorian-era art museum (around 2 dozen of us were all locked in) with my boyfriend, British comedian Jimmy Carr.
He was actually quite sweet in the dream, but I woke up as he was being accused of being the murderer by the 6 remaining living persons. I know he couldn't have done it though, too many people were still alive
December 14: Grapefruit-Dragon Fruit Spread
I technically tried it, as the arrow on the photo indicates 💅
Look, these are some unimpressive fruits, taste wise, and you all know it!! What these two ladies DO do well is serve flawless looks
Hypothesis: some chaos agent invented this jam based on visual appeal alone, and then forgot they were boiling them, straining out the seeds, and shoving it into a dark shadowy box. And it should have stayed there!!!
December 15: Strawberry-Verbena Spread
I just went Over There and read last year's posts:
1) I was funnier, because I had to keep it snappy! This place could benefit from shorter character limits and less racism
2) last year I could taste the verbena. Other repeat jams had a slight bitter note last year
These maniacs are laughing somewhere about us tasting each of these little jars only to slowly realize this year they're only sugar, food coloring, and Dasani
@shrewshrew
I have learned. I went into today expecting strawberry jam and I got strawberry jam. It was nice.
I'm extremely middle-aged and a nice piece of toast with strawberry jam was enough for me.
@shrewshrew
I cringed (for you) when I read today's label.
The thing is, I don't mind grapefruit IN THIS CONTEXT. "Sharp and excessively bitter" is like My Thing. My "jam," if you will. (It's okay if you won't.) Dragonfruit is a lovely thing fresh, kind of blandly sweet and generically fruity, so it would never occur to me to put it in a jam where it would do jack shit. So a little grapefruit in there gives it life. (Eating grapefruit fresh is self-harm but I like what it does to bland jam.)
@shrewshrew
Pineapple is sharp and strong-flavored! Yuzu is sharp and strong-flavored! This was sugary and bland.
I buy their strawberry preserves for PB&Js! I know that they know how to make good jam. MY GOD WHERE IS THE FLAVOR?!?!?
@shrewshrew
I am VERY much of two minds about today's jam.
On the one hand, it is DELICIOUS! It is cherry jam! Cherries happen to be my #1 favorite fruit with some daylight before we get to the runners up. I love this jam.
But I do kinda think they shouldn't be allowed to claim to use florals if they're not going to add enough that we can taste it. These are fabulous flavors. GIVE THE FLOWERS THEIR FLOWERS!
(But delicious!)
@stevegis_ssg ok here's the thing: I don't like my food to taste like flowers!!!!
Elderflower gets a pass and it's weak here in any case but otherwise it's time to generate some #jamvent controversy!!
@shrewshrew I think the Kusmi tea calendar is somehow in cahoots with Bonne Maman (not pictured: caramel orange spice. I drank it. With gusto.)
The bellini I will save for the next time I have to host a tea party for my nemesis.
shrewshrew
Sarah Walsh
DavidPetraitis
Scott Barolo
Steve Gisselbrecht
Bruno Girin
Techni-Calli
Kate Clancy
DrSinBin
KLB
irne jawe
Handler
Sarah Faber
Mark Baxter 🏳️🌈💉🧂
Tim Coffman