BEHOLD
I have survived another year despite the machinations of my haters, which can mean only one thing:
It's time to BATTLE SOME JAMS
Welcome to the Third Annual
"24 Days Until December 25th"
Ranking of the Entrants in the Bonne Maman Non-denominational Calendar of Jams!
Have my aforementioned haters infiltrated the Bonne Maman kitchen, ensuring that we all endure novel jam flavor combinations that ought never to have existed?
Or have the good people at BM finally headed the free advice from the last two years of #jamvent and filled out calendars solely with delights?
Join me in eating some sugar every morning to find out!
As we open the box, a surprise envelope! It better finally be my invitation to hold the Bonne Maman Endowed Chair in Posting About Jam
No! It's some herbal tea they're now selling. Unfortunately for them I am a long term tea purist and herbal tea is not tea. Cancel me if you dare
Onto the MAIN EVENT
#jamvent #tea #HerbalTeaSucks #CorrectOpinions (actually this whole thread and every post I make should have that hashtag)
December 1: Rhubarb-Strawberry Spread
An audible sigh of relief as I reveal a decent flavor to start us off.
For a moment I fantasize every one of the next 24 days will be equally dignified, that each morning it will feel as though my butler has discreetly stepped just out of sight as I break my fast
BUT cold reality breaks through my dream. It's too sweet! I can SEE the rhubarb threads, it has top billing, but there's almost no tartness. LET HER LIVE HER TRUTH
December 2: Orange-Yuzu-Grapefruit Spread
Longtime #jamvent
enthusiasts will recollect that the Yuzu-containing jams are always some of my favorites.
To take this beautiful fruit and pair it with grapefruit, inedibly bitter and for some people basically literally poison, is a depraved act.
I mean it tastes ok, the yuzu shines initially, but the grapefruit just hangs there ruining everything, like a fart in a limousine
I have often wondered if representatives from Bonne Maman were aware of my annual #jamvent festivities
I can now report with this flavor that they must be!!
how else could they devise such a fiendish, depraved combination of flavors designed specifically to hurt me and everyone I have misguidedly encouraged to go in this journey with me
Anyway see you tomorrow where they BETTER make this right
December 3: Apricot-Peach Spread
The front of the box clearly advertises "Limited Edition" jam flavors.
I assume sometimes they are limited by rare and unusual ingredients. For today, I assume they were limited by how much leftover apricot and peach jams they had on hand to mix together in a bucket
On the other hand, as we saw yesterday, sometimes jam flavors can be TOO adventuresome
Anyway, tasted fine, a little sweet, mostly like apricot dallying below her station
#jamvent #apricot #peach
December 4: Mirabelle Plum - Linden Blossom Spread
Oooh! Four Days in, we're finally getting into flavors I couldn't recreate by setting off a wind-up toy in the produce section of a Target and making jam out of the first two fruits it bumped into
The question is, is it good? Well, do you like pleasantly inoffensive sweetness with a fancy title? Of course you do, you're on Mastodon. A bit like if honey was a jam
#jamvent #plum #flowers #blossom #mirabelle #linden #MirabellePlum #LindenBlossom
I cannot believe I got so into writing my jokes that forgot to attach any of the pictures the first time I posted today. Yesterday I forgot all the hashtags.
It is a pretty accurate glimpse behind the #jamvent curtain to see what I'm really like in the morning, groggy and distracted. Also like this most other times of day as well
December 5: Pear-Cocoa Nibs Spread
Pears are an interesting choice for a jam due to one of their best features (graininess) not really translating to something smooth. Cocoa is something we almost never consume simply for its aromatic qualities, rather than for its delicious cocoa fat.
Despite these odds (or because of them?) this pairing (I'm sorry) really works! Put these two in a Netflix Christmas movie so we can watch them meet-cute all over again
Now, everyone, I do have a tiny announcement:
#jamvent will be on a short hiatus until Thursday afternoon. Once again I am called on to travel to a special location to save neuroscience research from itself 😤😤
I shall review the offerings of December 6, 7, and 8 all at once on Thursday!
In the meantime, I trust you all NOT to form any opinions without consulting me first, as always!!!
If anyone accosts you and demands to speak of jam, simply demur by hiding your face behind your fan
BE NOT AFRAID #jamvent participants and looky-loos!!
I have finally returned to my rightful throne
Unfortunately I wasn't able to get to the back catalog of jams later in the day yesterday (m*n at fault per usual) and now I have to "do" "my" "job" today which is total bs
Anyway I will tell you all how to feel about TODAY'S jam TODAY! And then I shall have an absolute blowout "posting about jams" party Saturday morning
December 9: Orange-Mandarin Spread
You know what they say: no g̶o̶o̶d̶ d̶e̶e̶d̶ triumphant return to power goes unpunished
The text behind the door in the calendar today says:
"Warmest Thoughts".
I assume there were translation issues and what Bonne Maman meant to say was:
"See You In Hell 💖"
Tastes a bit like a citrus-based cleaner with sugar in it. My esophagus now has a streak-free shine
shrewshrew
Scott Barolo