Bryan (he/him) 🇺🇸 🏳️🌈Today is World Bipolar Day, so I thought I would share my journey to a diagnosis and beyond.
I grew up with the shadow of an absent, manic father. His condition was only ever brought up when I acted out of line, used as a way to explain what was "wrong" with me. By the time I was about ten, I was seeing psychiatric professionals and being told I had a "chemical imbalance."
Into my teen years, I knew something wasn't right. I had a lot of rage for no apparent reason. But my step-father decided there was nothing wrong with me and took me off my medication. That led to a dark spiral. I was thrown out of the house, experienced homelessness, and dropped out of school before eventually getting my GED and going to college. For a long time, I was just lost, drifting through a brief marriage and divorce by the time I was 20.
Everything shifted when I met my partner in my late 20s. Even when I was deeply upset and far from kind, she met me with patience and acceptance. She helped me advocate for myself, which led to a real diagnosis: Bipolar 1, characterized by extreme highs of mania and extreme lows. This period in my life I associate with learning empathy and kindness.
Having a name for what I was experiencing changed my life. For a long time, I carried a heavy shame about my diagnosis. It has taken me a decade to finally let that go. The diagnosis explained why I would obsess about some things and then drop them to move on to another subject. Because of my condition, I know a lot about a lot of things because at some point my attention latched on and would not let go of the subject for a while. For instance, I went to college for North American Indian History, but I can tell you a lot about Linux, computers, phones, and numerous other little things.
Since before Covid, I have been on numerous medications. Sometimes I would have to change because a medication was working ok, but I wasn't allowed to go past a limit. Other times, medications would give me terrible side effects, like psychosis.
I have been on my current medication, Seroquel, for about a year now, and it seems to be working well. I know that could change at any time, though, and this dance with different medications will probably go on for the rest of my life.
Typically, the thing that interrupts my mental health is a change to my insurance. It is hard enough for bipolar people to take medication regularly, but when you add interruptions to pharmacy and mental health benefits, it can make it extremely hard to get back into a habit after being knocked out of it. Some of my lowest moments have been when I have lost my healthcare because of an inability to keep a job (due to the illness) and not being able to afford refills or doctor visits.
I tell you all of this hoping that you understand that people aren't just "crazy" and bipolar is not an adjective. Good people are born with and develop these conditions in our brains. No one really completely understands it. The best thing you can ever do for another person is to show them kindness and love. And to anyone out there who is still lost in the dark or struggling with a new diagnosis: your life isn't over. It takes work, and it can be exhausting, but it is absolutely possible to build a beautiful, meaningful life.
#WorldBipolarDay #BipolarDisorder #MentalHealthAwareness #EndTheStigma #Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #ActuallyBipolar #MentalIllness #MentalHealthMatters
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