Mastodawn

Father’s Day cut short

When I was on the train and the rain was passing, it provided hints of blue sky, I hoped it was an analogy for how our circumstances are changing with time.

Life at the moment is absolutely not how I want things to be, but I’m grateful our day wasn’t cancelled and I got to smell you and hear your wonderful voice.

When I got ready and had porridge and coffee in the morning, I saw neighbours across the road together in bed. I dreaded the long journey and dragging the buggy across rail replacement buses, plus a bag stuffed with your portable potty. I wished that our lives could be like the family across the road.

With patience, I’m trying to build something like it for us.

Our day together

I received a message from your mum while the coach was setting off. My first thought was hoping you were a little late rather than our day being cancelled altogether. The message said you had a cold and she would want you to be back with her by 4. There was no room for seeing how the day went, only her usual obligatory tone.

I finally got to the shopping centre, 2 and a half hours after leaving home. The weather was much better. 10am passed so I waited at the corner to give me a view of the road into the distance. When you approached, I waved my arms and did a little dance to show how happy I was to see you on this special day.

I have a few options prepared for our time together. As it’s generally warmer, even with recent showers, the playground remains your favourite place to go. Most places are closed till later anyway.

After gaining a few wet patches on your bottom and building up an appetite we went for lunch. The Japanese restaurant is our trusty spot. I got us ramen, a chicken katsu, 2 gyozas and 2 octopus balls with sides of spring onions and soy sauce for dipping everything in. For the first time you chose to eat the takoyaki octopus balls. I even reminded you what you were eating and you carried on nibbling away. I hope we share these favourite dishes for the rest of our lives.

Father’s Day kisses

I thought it would be good to finish lunch with fruits and further snacks from M&S. You helped me pick the items while easing into a snooze. It wasn’t long till we left the hustle and bustle and I did loops around back streets to avoid too much noise while you recharged. I used the opportunity to call my mum, creating a moment with a slight thread of connection between the 3 of us.

Our afternoon

The rest of our day flashed by so quickly. The routine spots I like to make use of took up all the time, leaving nothing spare.

With my knowledge of the area and your habits, I could predict when you’d wake up and ensure it would be near The Cake Cafe which is also close to the playground.

This time we could enjoy the outdoor seating they set up across the road and have our babychino/coffee date with fruits from the supermarket.

As time passes during our time together, the feeling I get is hard to describe. Perhaps it’s like a pressure combined with sadness. The physical part being the result of the sadness. It’s because unlike the other families surrounding us, I can’t adjust our plans if you’re having fun or just go home if the weather’s looking bad.

I have no alternative than to take shelter at a museum or shops when it’s bad weather or when we’re having fun to cut it short. It all sets me up to fail.

Early handover

When we make our way to the shopping centre, we chat a bit and that’s where you reveal that aunties Ellen and Jane have been with you. Ellen is obviously over from abroad for your other auntie’s wedding.

The fact is, today you weren’t behaving like you were unwell. You ran, jumped and giggled about normally.

Your mum has the power to say whatever she likes and will get the benefit of the doubt.

A harsh reminder as our day comes to an end, if she wants to keep you with her, any excuse will do.

The court order is unenforceable and her lies are effortless.

Next week I won’t see you because I agreed to swap the weekend so you could be the flower girl at your auntie’s wedding.

I’ll ask for a photo as I’m sure you’ll look the most beautiful there. I won’t hold my breath for it though.

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Diary for my beloved Jan 11

A chilly new year feeding the ducks

It’s been a few weeks since we last had time together. The video calls are absolutely better than nothing but even those have been disrupted by your mum. Today was wonderful, I love hearing your beautiful voice and looking at your gorgeous oval-shaped eyes.

Reflections on the future

As we ease into the new year, it feels like being at the start of a marathon. From the start line, you know what to expect at the end, but the journey ahead will be challenging, however much practice and planning was done to prepare.

Life feels heavy and too often sad. The countless difficulties and stress about whether a choice was the right one, makes me constantly think that I’m doing everything wrong. The sadness of our distance has kept a painful cloud over everything the last year.

We finally have something to be positive about though, on the horizon in a few months you will stay overnight with me and I know it will raise our spirits immeasurably. The love of a morning kiss and tenderness of bath time will be ours to share again.

While life and its many complications feels too hard to bear sometimes, the relief of having you home (finally home!!!) will let me feel like the grey clouds are parting and we can build our relationship.

Our day together

It was an extremely cold day. The hotel was warm but walking outside was unpleasant, demonstrated by few people out and about. On picking you up I had planned to go into the shopping centre immediately and avoid making you uncomfortable. After going through a few markdowns in the shops and you showing me a few items you’d like for your bedroom, we made it through to the shopping centre where I planned to relax at Starbucks while Olivia made her way to join us.

I say relax but in reality I mean hide and scan the floor in case your mum followed us to snipe at Olivia. Following the abuse your mum gave me when she saw Olivia nearby that time, and threats that I wouldn’t be able to have you for the day, both me and Olivia are frightened of an outburst, which has caused Olivia to insist on hiding both in time and distance. The uncomfortable feeling followed us through the day.

Winter walks with daddy

The shopping centre was a warm haven but not what I want for our day so we didn’t spend long there. Plus before lunch I like us to create an appetite with a walk. So, covered up with our many layers we worked our way to the river and ended up by the ducks we’ve visited many times.

To our fortune, a man came with lots of bread to give the wildlife starting with the funniest moment of him throwing an entire loaf into the river for the seagulls to attack.

Your fearlessness continues to surprise me, not minding being close to the frantic flapping birds is great, it means we can get right up close to them.

Lunch for the swans

Our lunch and staying away from the cold

It started to get even colder so we went to the restaurant I planned. There was no need for booking as it was one of the quietest days in River Town I’ve seen. I think families were more interested in staying cosy at home.

While we waited for the meal you joined us like an adult interacting and enjoying the moment of socialising. It was heart warming and the highlight of my day.

I’m unclear why but the restaurant had stacks of baskets near the tables so in a moment of silliness we played with them as hats.

Our lunch dates are really joyful and Olivia had been helping all day. Little things like pushing the buggy meant I could have more time giving you hugs.

Silly time with daddy

Reluctant to go back outside I had dragged lunch on for a while and you expressed that you were ready for a rest so I bundled you into the buggy like we were going back outside for aimless wandering but instead after only a minute you had closed your eyes so I chose to stay inside where the restaurant’s ambiance would make a better backdrop than the ice cold air.

As our previous River Town days have concluded, the time after your nap becomes basically enough for a brief play, change, snack, kisses and then I drop you back with your mum.

Our time feels stubbornly only a lunch. When I’m outside at 4pm it hurts me to see families enjoying themselves still busy and making the most of the day while I have to hand you back like a punished dad only given limited time.

Plans for next week

Ahead of your overnight stays in a few months I’m going to start decorating your bedroom so you love it as much as your River Town bedroom. I’m planning time for us to organise things into your drawers and spaces so you know where your things are and feel comfortable overnight.

I’m counting down the days. Nothing will make a happier sleep than hearing your little snores next door and bringing you into my bed in the morning for warm snuggles before breakfast.

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