Diary for my belovedFather’s Day cut short
When I was on the train and the rain was passing, it provided hints of blue sky, I hoped it was an analogy for how our circumstances are changing with time.
Life at the moment is absolutely not how I want things to be, but I’m grateful our day wasn’t cancelled and I got to smell you and hear your wonderful voice.
When I got ready and had porridge and coffee in the morning, I saw neighbours across the road together in bed. I dreaded the long journey and dragging the buggy across rail replacement buses, plus a bag stuffed with your portable potty. I wished that our lives could be like the family across the road.
With patience, I’m trying to build something like it for us.
Our day together
I received a message from your mum while the coach was setting off. My first thought was hoping you were a little late rather than our day being cancelled altogether. The message said you had a cold and she would want you to be back with her by 4. There was no room for seeing how the day went, only her usual obligatory tone.
I finally got to the shopping centre, 2 and a half hours after leaving home. The weather was much better. 10am passed so I waited at the corner to give me a view of the road into the distance. When you approached, I waved my arms and did a little dance to show how happy I was to see you on this special day.
I have a few options prepared for our time together. As it’s generally warmer, even with recent showers, the playground remains your favourite place to go. Most places are closed till later anyway.
After gaining a few wet patches on your bottom and building up an appetite we went for lunch. The Japanese restaurant is our trusty spot. I got us ramen, a chicken katsu, 2 gyozas and 2 octopus balls with sides of spring onions and soy sauce for dipping everything in. For the first time you chose to eat the takoyaki octopus balls. I even reminded you what you were eating and you carried on nibbling away. I hope we share these favourite dishes for the rest of our lives.
Father’s Day kissesI thought it would be good to finish lunch with fruits and further snacks from M&S. You helped me pick the items while easing into a snooze. It wasn’t long till we left the hustle and bustle and I did loops around back streets to avoid too much noise while you recharged. I used the opportunity to call my mum, creating a moment with a slight thread of connection between the 3 of us.
Our afternoon
The rest of our day flashed by so quickly. The routine spots I like to make use of took up all the time, leaving nothing spare.
With my knowledge of the area and your habits, I could predict when you’d wake up and ensure it would be near The Cake Cafe which is also close to the playground.
This time we could enjoy the outdoor seating they set up across the road and have our babychino/coffee date with fruits from the supermarket.
As time passes during our time together, the feeling I get is hard to describe. Perhaps it’s like a pressure combined with sadness. The physical part being the result of the sadness. It’s because unlike the other families surrounding us, I can’t adjust our plans if you’re having fun or just go home if the weather’s looking bad.
I have no alternative than to take shelter at a museum or shops when it’s bad weather or when we’re having fun to cut it short. It all sets me up to fail.
Early handover
When we make our way to the shopping centre, we chat a bit and that’s where you reveal that aunties Ellen and Jane have been with you. Ellen is obviously over from abroad for your other auntie’s wedding.
The fact is, today you weren’t behaving like you were unwell. You ran, jumped and giggled about normally.
Your mum has the power to say whatever she likes and will get the benefit of the doubt.
A harsh reminder as our day comes to an end, if she wants to keep you with her, any excuse will do.
The court order is unenforceable and her lies are effortless.
Next week I won’t see you because I agreed to swap the weekend so you could be the flower girl at your auntie’s wedding.
I’ll ask for a photo as I’m sure you’ll look the most beautiful there. I won’t hold my breath for it though.
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Neal Winsomer
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