I've tried almost a dozen different medications once I finally sought treatment for my lifelong depression in my early twenties. Some would work for a while and then stop. Others worked but had side effects such as when people referred to me as a "zombie", increasing my suicidal ideation, causing panic attacks, severe nausea and vomiting, screwing up my metabolism, tanking my libido, or making me prone to fits of rage.

It's been like that for 25 years. The reelection of 45 to 47 put me in a slump that I could not get out of. I took care of my disabled wife. I did not cook. I did not clean. I did not take care of myself. My personal hygiene practically stopped, other than brushing and flossing which I've turned into a ritual. I honestly didn't know how much longer I could stay here, in this world, in this plane of existence. I was more than ready.

I had been looking at alternative treatments including ECT, TMS, and psychedelics. But I didn't really think any of them would help either.

I have a cousin who also had treatment resistant depression her whole life who tried esketamine. She told me that you would have to go in multiple times a week and be there for 2 hours at a time. She told me it takes a long time for it to start working. But she also told me it "removed the blanket". She described her depression as a blanket covering her. I described mine as being in a bubble or carrying a heavy weight. I understood what she meant.

I found out my insurance would cover it and that there was a facility to administer it in my suburb.

I started at the end of January. I hated missing work. It increased my anxiety and depression. I didn't like the way Spravato (the brand name) made me feel. I took too long to recover. The facility, while staffed by a psychiatrist a PA and multiple technicians, felt sketchy. I felt like I was in an opium den.

You only go twice a week for one month. Then you drop to once a week. Eventually you can get down to twice a month or once a month depending on the person.

I was told up front that some people do not see results until week 12. They call the run up to that the "induction phase".

Toward the second half of March, something flipped in my brain. I felt " better". I feel like I haven't felt since elementary school. I feel like the best version of myself. This isn't mania; I felt that before. This is distance and objectivity. I am able to see myself almost like others see me. I am able to watch depression triggers and sometimes intervene.

I honestly didn't think I deserved to feel this way. I lived so many years believing my depression was something I earned. I also thought that if I wasn't depressed I would no longer be myself. All of that was just part of the depression.

I still have my other problems. I still have anxiety. I still have ADHD. I'm still autistic. I still have cPTSD from a decade of abuse. I still have meltdowns. But that haze, that fog that used to cover everything has lifted.

I'm cooking again. I'm keeping the kitchen clean. I'm tearing down cardboard boxes, cleaning the garage a little. I'm becoming human again.

Every time I think about it I start tearing up. I didn't think this would ever happen. I didn't think I would ever not be depressed.

I could have given up many times. But my wife needs me, our cats need me, my mom and dad still love me. I stayed because of them, not me.

I think... I think I might be able to stay for myself now.

If you are suffering from clinical, lifelong, treatment resistant depression. Please do not give up. Please seek out treatments. If the treatments don't work, find another one.

This is not a kind world. The people in charge are the worst of us. But they are not all of us. We need people with empathy, people who can feel. Please stay. Please keep looking. Please don't give up.

#Depression #ClinicalDepression #TreatmentResistentDepression #Spravato #Esketamine #EsketamineForDepression