(#TransitionTimeline Part 2 of 3)

Lately, I've felt (due to a combination of skewed decision-making from a false sense of "reach out and seize the day" in regards to attempts at interpersonal relationships (one area where it doesn't work) and not asking if something's okay before I say it) that I've hurt the local queer community and one person in particular (who will remain nameless but they know who they are)--and the guilt at realizing that "I'm the problem" in that situation is one that's prompted some heavy #therapy, looking into slower ways at interacting with new people, looking at some of my personality flaws/toxic habits in a bid to swap them out/develop them into healthier ones, finding effective ways to manage my depressive spells (I've noticed that while #HRT has allowed me to feel my positive emotions better, the negative emotions hit stronger than before as well), and trying to start with friendship first. This is stuff I should've done years ago and that I (wrongly) assumed that HRT would solve on its own--HRT can do a lot of things, but it isn't a miracle drug for mental health or a substitute for therapy.

But while this past June was #orchiectomy time, I feel as though I'm looking into two future surgeries: #vaginoplasty and #BreastAugmentation. Doing the research on my own now to determine which doc is right for me with each. I'm grateful for my supportive family who want to look after me while I recover (and did so with the orchi). However, this does limit me to surgeons in the Midwest, so that does mean me looking around and taking notes on aspects of several given docs (on factors like wait times, methods, what insurance they take, and satisfaction from former patients) to determine the right call. I've heard horror stories of botches of both surgeries and I do NOT want that. But I also have to consider that--with the reigning fascist dictatorship--the clock is ticking for me being able to get any of these surgeries for the foreseeable future.

Overall, even if being trans has some societal and mental stresses, I'm more content inside than before. Before my egg cracked, I felt like I was in a neutral state as if I was coasting through life no matter how determined I was. In fact, me ruthlessly pursuing my academics at uni at the expense of a social life might have delayed the introspection needed to have my #EggCrack happen MUCH earlier.

[TO BE CONCLUDED]

#transgender #trans #transgirl #rambles