“thirsty ghost”

you lived thirsty
you wanted to set yourself on
fire – and in the end, you succeeded
in glorious, standing room only effigy
planned to the last detail
as only you could do

I sang at your funeral
but it never quite felt like the end
I carried all the crushing weight of you
when it felt like the sun went out
and I’ve been stumbling through the dark
for the past ten years
when it seemed like the rest of the world
couldn’t wait for both of us to die

I’ve persisted
a devil’s bargain but one I’d take again
and again
just to get to spit in their smug fucking faces
(or on their graves) and tell them that in the end
even you didn’t get to define me and
they, especially don’t get to twist your memory into
a weapon to cut, sear, break, or peel me into their
image

I did that myself
I shattered myself into the form I desired
my body became a war torn land the rest of the
world forgot
I swore to make them remember
I peeled layers upon layers of self
from this soul
I added more and removed them again
I fit seven lifetimes into these twenty eight year
old ancient bones
I broke the fuck out of my slowly failing heart
if you had truly known me
would you be proud?

or maybe I joined you in the afterlife
maybe this is hell
maybe all the devils are here
maybe I’ve always been empty

-Allēna 3/15/2026

This is what complex grief looks like for me.

A first attempt, anyway. I’m feeling a lot re: the state of the world and things and it’s bringing a lot of emotions to the surface I didn’t have words for before. #complexgrief #cptsd #NEISvoid #digitalart #chronicpain -Allēna

#ChronicPain #complexgrief #cptsd #digitalart #NEISvoid

The world is a lot right now.

In all honesty, our phone is on Do Not Disturb to avoid the constant onslaught of news and we are messaging very few people to preserve spoons.

One of us (I forget who) saw a post a few days ago that talked about how a therapist was saying that a desire to build an off grid self sustaining farm and never come back to society was a manifestation of exhaustion and burnout, and whoever it was felt so called out that they almost started crying.

You don’t say that it’s a manifestation of exhaustion and fucking burnout, anonymous therapist! Society is fucking exhausting! Why do you think I rarely front around most people? They fucking exhaust me and burn me out!

I would do unholy things for an off grid, self sustaining farm if this body weren’t fucking allergic to the outdoors.

I know my body couldn’t handle the work to maintain it, let alone the lack of infrastructure, etc., and that  fucking kills me. So I settle for being a housebound art gremlin in the city with hopefully half decent OpSec.

No amount of money can fix this particular yearning of ours, sadly. What’s the point of having money to buy land for a self sustaining farm if you can’t fucking work the farm without killing yourself? And what’s the point in having money for a farm even if other people you love lived on it with you if you can’t go outside eighty percent of the year to enjoy it? Even if I wanted to simply sit outside, it would hurt me too badly for most of the year than the enjoyment would be worth.

Unfortunately, we’re learning our limits, and that comes with a fair amount of grief.

Fuck. This hurts. This hurts so bad.

I’m gonna go grab a snack and nap or make art or something.

-Castor

#burnout #chronicIllness #ComplexGrief #CripplePunk #disabilities #Disabled #exhaustion #grief #Processing

We might not be super active today.

It’s February 5th here, the day our dad, Xavier, died, nine years ago. I woke up a few hours ago, blinked, realized what day it was, thought about all the bullshit going on in the world, thought “Nope”, and went right the fuck back to sleep for another several hours.

Xavier was known for both hibernating through the winters, trying his damnedest to get me to rest, and treating himself and everyone he loved. I think this is what he would have wanted.

Sláinte, Dad. This day of rest is for you. I’m trying. I really am.

-Allēna

#chronicFatigue #ComplexGrief #Dad #grief #grieving #loss #traumaversary #Xavier

Sorry I don’t have more cat pictures or anything for y’all today.

The more I sit with the realization that what my system is dealing with is complex grief about the state of the world and life and things, the more it feels like I’m swimming in an ocean of just… Sadness. I’m safe, it’s just a lot to feel. Hence why I’m writing here. I don’t really know how else to begin deeply processing emotion beyond writing, and I’m feeling the grief so somatically that I don’t have the energy to talk to people individually about it. So I figure word vomiting here is a good place to start.

I have lost so much. We as a society could have had so much in this past election cycle (Kamala Harris wasn’t great but she sure as fuck wasn’t this) and while I’ve seen TRUE bone chilling right wing terror as an ex Mormon.. This is pretty fucking terrifying. Everyone was warned and they didn’t listen. My system actually foresaw much of this. So we’re just mourning what could have been while trying to do the work, trying to keep our heads above water… And I am tired, deep down in my soul.

And this realization has led me to sit with the grief and the pain of being chronically ill, psychologically tortured, and often isolated before the election, and I’m doing another round of processing that, too. It feels in a way like I’m falling down a bottomless well of pain and grief. Or maybe I never stopped falling down that fucking well.

I’m not sure. Either way, it seems to help me breathe a little easier to put words to it however I can. I want to cry. I feel like I need to cry. But I haven’t been able to yet. So I’m just gonna keep working through things in my mind until I’m able to open the floodgates, I suppose. Everything fucking physically hurts in the meantime.

I’m not going to give up the fight, though. I don’t see the situation here as hopeless. There’s a lot of good happening amidst the bad, and I’m not suicidal or anything. I’m just badly in need of rest and time to sit with this further, so that’s what I’m gonna do.

Signing off for now,

-Allēna

#chronicFatigue #ChronicPain #ComplexGrief #ComplexPTSD #InnerWork #isolation #MadMastodon #MadStudies #mentalhealth #SomaticHealing #strokeSurvivor