Hi, I (Allēna) am back in front and low-key panicking…

I know that the people who know me will probably be like “what else is new” but I’ve honestly been so hung up on the fact that it’s been ten years since Xavier died this month that I forgot that all of the albums that I wrote and recorded in the wake of losing him will also be turning 10 as well until I saw a video of my Painter Guy headmate playing my arrangement of “Heroes” by David Bowie on a piano he found in the hospital we go to??? So that’s kinda fucking me up.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUvyJXxl9de/?igsh=MWFlYTdtcTY4MnJkZQ==

I honestly didn’t think I would live this long. I know a lot of people when I was 18-19 certainly didn’t think I would live this long (I was a hot fuckin mess and it took me years to get out of that tailspin) so while I’m none too happy about having to figure out how to promote a metric fuckton of albums on what is soon to be the ten year anniversary of their release, I am also trying to be compassionate toward tiny grieving past Lēna and keep in mind that I didn’t have a blessed clue that I would live to see 28-29, my depression was so goddamn bad and I was constantly trying to blot myself off the face of the Earth and writing albums instead of doing worse dumb shit. As badly as I want to go back and kick Past Lēna and to some extent, Past Eight in the ‘nads for writing and recording music like they were running out of time in 2016-17, they really didn’t know what the fuck else to do and had just lost Xavier. So I can’t really be all that angry. That being said, a bitch is fucking tired and I don’t have anything close to a promotion strategy for any of this shit. I don’t even have regular access to a piano anymore.

So yeah. There is all of that to contend with.

Wish me mother fucking luck.

-Allēna

tomorrow is the anniversary of my assault

I'm breaking

the smell of men is making me break down crying

and three of the assholes that have been harassing me came in today at work

one of them was a guy who actually assaulted me

I'm not sleeping tonight

I haven't slept in days

this is hell

but at least I have three (paid) days off

so the next three days I will need to recover

#ptsd #sexualassault #rape #survivor #trauma #traumaversary #losingmymind

So, Xmas überstanden \o/ Das ist für mich immer die schlimmste Zeit des Jahres. Heute Nachmittag wurde ich von massiver Trauer und Hoffnungslosigkeit überrollt. Das war hart.

Leider brachen die Emotionen gefühlt von jetzt auf gleich auf mich herein. Ich war nicht darauf vorbereitet und konnte nicht rechtzeitig skillen.

Wenigstens konnte ich mich später da raus arbeiten. Ein Vorteil endlich Bescheid zu wissen, eine Diagnose zu haben. Die Tools für Borderline funktionieren tatsächlich besser, als meine Tools für Depressionen.

#traumaversary #survivor

We might not be super active today.

It’s February 5th here, the day our dad, Xavier, died, nine years ago. I woke up a few hours ago, blinked, realized what day it was, thought about all the bullshit going on in the world, thought “Nope”, and went right the fuck back to sleep for another several hours.

Xavier was known for both hibernating through the winters, trying his damnedest to get me to rest, and treating himself and everyone he loved. I think this is what he would have wanted.

Sláinte, Dad. This day of rest is for you. I’m trying. I really am.

-Allēna

#chronicFatigue #ComplexGrief #Dad #grief #grieving #loss #traumaversary #Xavier

just had one of the most intense flashbacks I've ever had

my #ptsd is killing me

one #traumaversary of mine is less than a month away

Abe

the last guy that raped me

he choked me nearly to death

he forced me to go down on him, then held my head down as hard as he could, so hard it hurt, and held me like that until I started to pass out from suffocation

after he stopped he slapped me to the ground and came on my face, then slapped me again

somehow through all of this, he kept convincing himself I secretly enjoyed it

he even had the audacity to text me asking if I had fun

sorry for dumping all this here, but I don't have a therapist right now