Elverkonge
Ricki Yasha TarrHow much abuse do you think people should take?
Is the number zero?
Guess what, you're people.
There are a shocking amount of people who don't know what abuse is and even more that think a little is okay apparently.
AutisticTeacherGriffWhen I teach the research that shows that spanking is abuse, no exceptions, I always get students insisting that they were spanked and they turned out fine.
No, they didn't. They turned out as people who think it's okay to hit little kids.
Maddad ☑️Abuse is abuse. People who abuse kids are criminals.
I have had issues all of my life because of the abuse that I suffered as a kid.
When I was born, my mom didn't want me and left me at the hospital. My life went downhill from there.
It wasn't my choice... I had no choice.
Skepticat 😸
NoctisEqui 🇺🇦🇵🇸🇪🇹🏳️🌈@maddad @TeacherGriff @RickiTarr
That is very sad. You must be a very strong person to have survived and triumphed over so much.
DontyAs my partner once said when you speak to these people who tell you it 'didnt affect them', they can tell you in precise detail what happened, when and in what circumstances all from 40-80 yrs ago.
If you can remember in such vivid, scented, flavoured emotional detail so many years later, it sounds like they most definitely were affected.
Bob Blaskiewicz 🇺🇦 🇨🇦 🇬🇱I make that same point preemptively, so nobody embarasses themselves.
Oh, sometimes embarrassment is necessary to get the point across. Along with the kids who get it shouting down the kids who argue in favor of spanking. Peer pressure makes a difference.
David 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️NB they/them@TeacherGriff @RickiTarr I don’t know how much spanking lead to trauma in my life compared to other things but at a minimum it taught me to not get caught or hide if I did. Same thing for friends I’ve talked to about this.
Shawn King@RickiTarr My stepson once said to me, “You should just stop saying things that make my mother hit you…” and “You’re big enough to take it…”
😢
maegul@maegul @RickiTarr Yeah…I literally had no words for him. I had no idea how to respond to that. But ever since, I’ve wondered how that attitude would play out in *his* life. 😢
Roknrol@RickiTarr I'm not sure if this is regarding anything in particular; if so, i apologize.
I have only recently come to terms with the likelihood that I'm in an abusive relationship. It's a lot to think about, for sure.
As far as 'not knowing', I'm sure growing up in an abusive household didn't help. Sitcoms (with few exceptions) always seemed an unacheiveable ideal - i knew absolutely nobody that lived like that, so people treating each other with respect seemed to just be more of the same.
I have a lot of theories as to why that might be the case.
KatLS@roknrol @RickiTarr this is a difficult situation. You’re not the first to encounter it. Help is out there. Seek.🥺
@KatLS @RickiTarr Progress toward escape is already being made. I will not be able to care for myself until I get surgery, then 4-6 weeks of recovery time. In the meantime, I've been packing up all of my shit. I'm about a week out from paying for a new house in France, which will be in my name only. Once there I sign over my portion of the Portland house to her, we divorce, no fuss no muss. She can sink or swim and it won't matter in the slightest to me.
I realize this sounds like all hopeful bullshit, but that really is the sum total of what it will take to get me out of here.
I am also still waiting on disability, but having spoken to them last week I am hopeful to have an assessment soon. My heart disease is likely to kill me, so I very pointedly qualify so...<shrug> it's hard not to be hopeful I guess, even though nothing is actually resolved yet.
Hermey G@RickiTarr
I was once in a relationship with someone who believed being abused meant being loved. This is more common than we realize.
I was once in a relationship with someone who believed being abused meant being loved. This is more common than we realize.
Bob Jamieson@RickiTarr Physical abuse is horrific, but those who are subjected to a drip, drip of negativity, until they end up convinced that they are worth nothing is just as bad, and in some ways even worse, because it can be so difficult to convince them that their mental self-image is wrong, and that they are in fact a nice person.
Ian Tindale@RickiTarr part of me wants absolutely no abuse, whereas part of me is used to quite considerable and regular abuse
@u0421793 I know the feeling, sometimes we are attracted to the devil we know.
Jargoggles
Kevin Lawver@RickiTarr None. Set boundaries, enforce them with gentle warnings and then withdraw completely if they’re repeatedly violated.
We should also not be abusers, which you’d think we wouldn’t have to say, but, we do.
Adam Jacobs 🇺🇦@RickiTarr Probably unrealistic to say exactly zero, but something extremely close to zero sounds about right to me. Though probably depends on exactly how you define "abuse"
@statsguy Hurting people happens because people hurt, you apologize and try to do better. Abuse is weaponized and systematic, they are trying to hurt people and gaslighting. They only think of their own pain, and instead of dealing with it, inflict it on others.
@RickiTarr Then with that definition of abuse, I'm going to go for exactly zero
Dr.Ubertrout@RickiTarr
I've probably put up with much more of it than I should. I don't see it as well when I'm receiving it.
I've probably put up with much more of it than I should. I don't see it as well when I'm receiving it.
Callalily@RickiTarr
I have put up with alot of it in my past. I think zero. No abuse should be tolerated by anyone.
I have put up with alot of it in my past. I think zero. No abuse should be tolerated by anyone.
House Panther 
@RickiTarr The number should be less than 0. We should be actively demanding that no abuse even happens to begin with.
lolonurse@RickiTarr
In an ideal world, there would be no abuse, but abuse is a very subjective concept, and each of us has things we put up with, that others might find unacceptable, & vice versa. I didn't even understand that things I experienced as a child, teen & young adult were abusive until my late husband finally made me understand how much denial I was in. It took him years to open my eyes- he persisted because it hurt him a lot to see it continue; & I finally did put my foot down.
In an ideal world, there would be no abuse, but abuse is a very subjective concept, and each of us has things we put up with, that others might find unacceptable, & vice versa. I didn't even understand that things I experienced as a child, teen & young adult were abusive until my late husband finally made me understand how much denial I was in. It took him years to open my eyes- he persisted because it hurt him a lot to see it continue; & I finally did put my foot down.
@lolonurse Sigh I can relate all too well with this.
Steve Buzzard@RickiTarr I'm people?!? Well then, color me Soylent Green. (It's my favorite Thanksgiving movie, though only categorized as one to me and mine.) But seriously, Zero seems right. Now time to carve the Roast Soylent Green.
Jack Yan (甄爵恩)@sbuzzard @RickiTarr To think that all took place last year. Anyone want some spiced Edward G. Robinson?
@jackyan @RickiTarr As one dopey cinematic dystopian future after another goes by - Johnny Mnemonic's head overloaded in '21 - I sigh and look around at the even dopier one we're stuck with.
@sbuzzard @RickiTarr Mega-corporations, conspiracy theories, plague and dodgy Chinese scientists—Gibson got a lot right!
Here we have elected Kryten from Red Dwarf to be our prime minister, aided by Rimmer. It’s a worry.
Here we have elected Kryten from Red Dwarf to be our prime minister, aided by Rimmer. It’s a worry.
DROP\ TABLE Hacker of Earthsea@RickiTarr hmmmm, well by definition of the word abuse without context. I don't know a fair amount I suppose, sense abuse could be unfair wages but still showing up to work
@RickiTarr how much I could beat on someone and them tolerate is like zero lol
TheJen@RickiTarr Thing about abuse is that it's completely about a power differential. The person being abused, by definition, doesn't have the agency to stop it.
Should the number be zero? Absolutely.
However, relying on those who are victims with no agency to enforce the stoppage of abuse is folly.
@JenWojcik I don't think anyone is doing that, just saying if you don't think others deserve it, you don't either
@RickiTarr Certainly.
@RickiTarr I suppose I'm missing context then as your question was a very general one.
Stabby Narwhal 
@RickiTarr No one deserves abuse. Ever. Life is hard already
essjax@RickiTarr This is where it gets a bit complicated for me.
How much abuse is unintentional? Not everyone shares the same reality, even with shared experiences. How much mistreatment is a direct result of an abused person learning bad ways to cope with the abuse?
I'd wager: most of it.
While casting blame isnt the goal, the only way to convince someone that they have a problem is to confront them, and that comes with a whole different batch of different reactions.
Not excusing it at all, and starting with ourselves can probably help quite a lot, but I dont think it's necessarily the abused and the abusers so much as everyone (basically) being a bit of both.
@roknrol Abuse is a choice, I came from an abusive home, I have plenty of issues from it, I choose not to pass it on. Everyone has this choice if they tell you they can't, that's gaslighting, if they're aware enough that they have an issue, they are aware enough to choose not to engage in it.
@RickiTarr I have to disagree.
When my wife is overruling control of every part of our shared life it's not out of some malicious intent to demean me and reduce my power. It's a response to her lifetime of being raised in a household where she didn't have any control at all, and then HAD to be independent while finishing her teen years and raising a child. I don't blame her for the way that she is.
But, the way that she is is incompatible with the way that I am, and I find some of her behaviors to be abusive.
The gaslighting I can't explain away...maybe there's something similar there, maybe not, but not ALL of the abuse is intended abuse, at least, not in her case.
Make of my opinion what you will. I know how it sounds. I really do pity her, but not enough to put up with it any longer.
PixelChonk Ⓥ 
Rusty ScrapTangle@RickiTarr None. I know that sometimes conflict and harm is inescapable but there's a lot of that that isn't necessarily abuse or repetitive. And sometimes we're horrible to each other without knowing or intending it which can cross the line into abuse if no one catches it in time and steps should be taken when someone does. Ideally none. As little as possible.
@RickiTarr Ultimately this would be none. I think it will take a long time to teach people how fucked up some things we're taught to do all the time and treat as just as innocuous as saying hi are. Some don't and I just. Don't let them back in now.
Sophia 🎶☃️🩵✨@RickiTarr Of course, it's zero. Not only will I not take it. I have the right, to make it even.
@RickiTarr
I read the word "definition" a lot here. The definition of the word "abuse" is not based on the individuals opinion.
Here is a source, to look it up.
Pooblemoo@RickiTarr I believe the answer should be zero for me. But I teach what I allow. If I let a bit of it in, it becomes normalized
Some behaviors I was taught to believe it was reactionary due to my behavior (think parent justifying spanking their child). & if I didn't want the abuse I should not "motivate it"
So what I have learned is to set clear boundaries on what I view to be abusive & not tolerable and never budging on it. Once I budge then I am allowing it. (Give an inch they take a mile)
@pooblemoo That's a very healthy attitude
rrbI think everyone is way too sensitive lately about everything.
Personally, my boundary seems to be set at physical assault (also not wild about high volume screaming). Outside of that. I either try to figure out what they are trying to say, or just ignore it.
Racial/ethnic/sexual slurs I try to point out as such.
Otherwise, I welcome all negative comments. They help me improve. I hate praise and compliments.
@RickiTarr What do you consider abuse?
Ricki Even More Halloween Tarr (@[email protected])
@[email protected] Wow that's a really good question, one I'm kind of afraid to ask in a public forum. So, I will give you what I use in my personal life, but I'm not any kind of authority. Some abuse is obvious, physical abuse, sexual abuse, if someone lays a hand on you to harm you or does something that takes away your agency. But there's so much other stuff, and that is harder, the first one that is simpler to me is degradation, so calling someone stupid, dumb, going out of their way to embarrass you. Obviously, I don't mean an occasional prank, but consistently mean-spirited actions, acting like even a simple mistake on your part is huge and deeply offensive. If you set boundaries for yourself and they consistently ignore or purposefully violate them, now you can only set them for yourself you can't set them for other people. The other thing I will talk about, at least for me personally, which may not fall into this category entirely, but it's a good indicator, any relationship has to be give and take, so if you're in the situation where you're doing most of the giving, doing, and apologizing, that usually indicates a problem. But first you need to ask yourself if you're asking for what you need in a clear way, or if you are not allowing them to give because of your own perfectionism. Sorry, if that is kinda jumbled.
RiaResists@RickiTarr no abuse.
The types of domestic abuse/violence
Physical, emotional, mental (gaslighting is the worst, imo), financial, sexual and spiritual.
Violent behavior is progressive & wont stop w/o intervention & treatment.
National domestic hotline-
1.800.799.7233
https://www.thehotline.org/
Never tell a victim to leave or disparage the abuser. It doesn’t help.
Let them know you’re there for them as many times as it takes which is 7.5 time to actually leave.
The types of domestic abuse/violence
Physical, emotional, mental (gaslighting is the worst, imo), financial, sexual and spiritual.
Violent behavior is progressive & wont stop w/o intervention & treatment.
National domestic hotline-
1.800.799.7233
https://www.thehotline.org/
Never tell a victim to leave or disparage the abuser. It doesn’t help.
Let them know you’re there for them as many times as it takes which is 7.5 time to actually leave.
@RiaResists Great post, it can take time for people to quit something bad for them, and they might still fall back into it from time to time. Sometimes the situation is just dangerous and takes awhile to get out of period, especially if the abuser has a position of power. The only exception is minors, report abuse, just do it.
@RickiTarr yes!
Call 911!
Great for of intervention for behavioral treatment is legal.
Having a safety plan helps, too. Check windows & doors where escape can happen in an emergency. Have your own credit cards or cash, important papers, I.D.s & find local shelters. Many hospitals can provide shelter info which none of us should have access to.
Call 911!
Great for of intervention for behavioral treatment is legal.
Having a safety plan helps, too. Check windows & doors where escape can happen in an emergency. Have your own credit cards or cash, important papers, I.D.s & find local shelters. Many hospitals can provide shelter info which none of us should have access to.