Mastodawn

ShayRSF Feb 9, 2023

Hey so, I’m not a lawyer, but I think this important enough to toot.

If you’re like me and you’re not legally married, and you don’t have much blood family or you’re estranged or your family is found, have a will, and put specific funeral and burial arrangements in legal documents. Even if you’re 30. Even if your partner or found family has complete legal and medical power of attorney already. Be explicit in legally binding writing.

In my state and probably others, POA is basically useless upon death. Unless there is an immediate blood relative there, the state takes over a bunch of funeral decisions and power of attorney means about diddly squat. Just please, do it.

I see that this old post is trending again for some reason, and I will add that my brother died suddenly at 40 this summer, and this was just as true then as it was even I posted. I’ve lost a lot of people, and this is well suffered advice.

Beyond the emotions and obvious, I’ll probably be paying off the unplanned funeral and burial costs for years. It’s why you’re not seeing me at cons and stuff anymore. Please heed the warning and get your stuff in order.

Ravi Nayyar Oct 7, 2024

@hacks4pancakes Om Shanti. 🙏🏼

Sending you and your family prayers and strength, Lesley.

@ravirockks it was a few months back but I appreciate it.

AnneH Oct 7, 2024

@hacks4pancakes Sorry for your loss. This is essential advice whatever state or country you are in.

JimHudson Oct 7, 2024

@hacks4pancakes Sorry to hear, Lesley

lil_lost Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes I was just thinking about this. I need to update all my stuff

investigatorchic Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes Excellent points. One clarification - do not put disposition of the body/funeral information in your will. That information belongs in a separate document (typically called "Disposition of the Final Remains") or it may not be carried out. The will is often read long after arrangements are made for the deceased's body and, especially in the case where you have strong feelings about what you want done/not done, this can be critical especially for LGBTQI+ folks.

@investigatorchic correct, I overgeneralized and corrected that.

investigatorchic Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes Thanks for the correction. If anyone is interested, this article talks about the issues I was mentioning: https://www.orderofthegooddeath.com/article/dying-trans-preserving-identity-in-death/
Also, I know it's a difficult topic, but if anyone has questions or needs help with planning for or dealing with death issues, I'm happy to share anything that can be useful here or privately.

Dying Trans: Preserving Identity in Death | The Order of the Good Death

Trans folk may settle into loving communities of friends and partners that are not their blood relatives. What they may be unaware of is that upon their death, all power over their body is turned over to their legal next of kin, possibly an unsympathetic parent or sibling. Tragedies of misgendering can occur postmortem, compounding the tragedy of the death. Christine Colby explores what the trans community can do to protect themselves at death.

Dying Trans: Preserving Identity in Death | The Order of the Good Death

John Davis Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes The best thing my parents did was have a binder with all that stuff in the house. They prearranged the funeral arrangements, they had end of life directives, everything was set up. All we had to do was open the binder and follow the instructions. I need to do that for myself.

@hacks4pancakes @MrSnarkyPants

I have legitimately been making a similar binder for our kiddos and just did all the paperwork to go inside. Next up - the “BC/DR plan” lol that I keep telling all my clients they need to have in hard copy in a binder. Where is the money, who gets what (though I know they’ll just do whatever they want), what rocket to fire my incinerated corpse into the ocean with, and who has to take care of my 73 cats.

All great points and thanks for the reminder.

@alethe @MrSnarkyPants I feel like there should be a world domination plan for 73 cats

@hacks4pancakes @MrSnarkyPants This is likely but I feel like - since I won’t be around - perhaps it’s okay to let the kids deal with the fallout after all the years I spent making them not suck lol 😝 But yeah. It’s a lot of cats. When all these jerks leave me alone in the woods to be old, it’s going to get lonely fast. Just kidding - I’m going to relish the quiet and like HAVE HOBBIES and sh**. It will be glorious.

Ohhhh perhaps you actually meant this…

@alethe I mean I won’t admit to which played in my head

John Davis Feb 9, 2023

@alethe @hacks4pancakes So my dad passes and I pull out the binder. We’re not sure if dad still had a safe deposit box or not. There is a tab for everything in the book, so I choose the one for instructions. It’s from the lawyer who created the binder. “Dear (mom & dad), please replace this page with a letter to your next of kin that includes account numbers, safe deposit box locations, and other important information…”

Nick 'The Viking'Feb 9, 2023

@MrSnarkyPants @alethe @hacks4pancakes

No OMG no.

John Davis Feb 9, 2023

@nlarson830 @alethe @hacks4pancakes We figured out that he didn’t have the safe deposit box anymore and what I was looking for I eventually found in the house. But I had to laugh when I found that in the book.

Nick 'The Viking'Feb 10, 2023

@MrSnarkyPants @alethe @hacks4pancakes

"Dad had $20k in the safe deposit box, he didn't happen to tell you anything about it did he?"

David E. Smith Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes I’ve been putting off things like this for years. Thanks for the reminder, Auntie Lesley. 🙂

That Anonymous Coward Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes

And blood family can show up & take control of the show as a happy final f you...

Spell it out, find a lawyer to make sure the i's dotted and t's crossed.

(See also: 'Bridegroom' movie and hundreds of other sad tales before same sex marriage.)

Sterling Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes
This is *SO* important.
Regardless of your marital status or relatives.
Don't forget medical POA.
You might think you know what your "trusted friends" or "loved ones" will do, but put it in writing.

Deb4+ aka Deborah DT 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes

Everyone should realize that not having a will doesn't keep you alive and having a will doesn't mean you want to die.

Then everything you said too.

My BIL had long slow cancer downhill and never wanted to sit down with my sister about his affairs because that would somehow be admitting defeat but by the time it was clear he'd be dying anyway, he had no strength left to help her understand it all. Then she just had to figure it out while she was devastated by his death. 🌷

Bogart Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes I'd go so far as to create a trust and be verry explicit on its purpose(s). A will is fine, but a trust is betterr if one is worried about people contesting the wishes of the deceased.

JimTheWhyGuy ❌👑Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes And if you are living with someone and maybe even bought a house/other property together, be sure you have some sort of legal document that explains and clarifies that relationship. Common law marriage ... isn't.

Oh, and get a fucking attorney who knows their shit, specific to your state and locality!! Don't rely on some dumbass document you downloaded off the InterWeb. If I've learned anything in my short life, it pays to consult an expert on legal thangs ...

The Evil Microwizard Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes Absolutely true even for family members. My mother had put documents including a POA in "a very safe place" (turned out to be a second safe deposit box) and by the time we turned it up, she'd already passed and the lawyers said it was effectively useless. Would have been handy to find it earlier, but we didn't 😢

pirate moo 🐮Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes Good reminder. Especially considering I had to handle my father's funeral when he passed (we're Jewish too and have special requirements like being buried within 24 hours, so it was quite a bit of a shock).

@apiratemoo We are going through the same thing and it's pretty catastrophic.

pirate moo 🐮Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes I'm so sorry

Pseudo Nym Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes Not a lawyer, and not legal advice, but if you have any significant assets, consider looking into establishing a trust, with you and your partner as the trustees. It's a legal entity that can "own" your assets, and has as its governing documents, your instructions and wishes for what to do with your stuff. As trustees, while alive, you can still do what you want with your assets.

グレェ「grey」Feb 9, 2023

@pseudonym just, don't set up a trust like my mom did; I have been going through hell with bankers who seem to want to consider my requests for disbursements outside of the parameters of her wording for most things.

It's been a nightmare for years.

Bankers basically denying access to assets, marginalizing me even further when I was already raised in an abusive household.

Pseudo Nym Feb 9, 2023

@byterhymer Ugh. So sorry you have to go through that

Nick 'The Viking'Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes

If you care at all about any of your relatives getting any of your stuff....

Do everything necessary to keep it out of probate.

I witnessed children fixing up departed mom's house to sell, selling it, then oops can't complete the sale because house got taken out of the trust for a refinance and not put back in, so sat empty for 9 months til the probate sorted out. Then they got to spruce it up and sell it again.

@hacks4pancakes Catherine Doughtery and her Order of the Good Death on youtube and Patreon has some really great information on funeral options, advanced directives and legal docs, etc.

https://www.orderofthegooddeath.com/

The Order of the Good Death

Building a meaningful, eco-friendly, and equitable end of life.

The Order of the Good Death

Lizzy Miller Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes There's an Ask a Mortician video about this. It's specifically geared towards trans people, but it's solid advice for anyone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVgumSUZQRI

Protecting Trans Bodies in Death

YouTube

@elmiller0330 protect yourself!!!!!

AndThisIsMrsPeacock 🏳️‍🌈Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes And not just for legal reasons! When my grandmother died, my mother was a basket case. She was unable to make any decisions. Fortunately Grandma had already planned everything out, signed all the documents, and prepaid the fees. Her being responsible saved my mom from getting entangled in legal and financial problems at a time that she couldn't have dealt with it. I'm eternally grateful that Grandma did that.

(Sorry to interrupt.)

Obsidian Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes The horrifying thought is that I still have blood relatives, and thinking about how they will handle my funeral is enough motivation before thinking about how the state will.

Nathan Snow Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes it's all well and good if you care, I just wanna be thrown in the trash, preferably just before the bins get collected 😅

Paul Chambers🚧Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes

#Ohio has nearly non-disputative 'Declaration For Funeral Arrangements' POA just for funerals. Even trumps family rights.

Funeral homes have the forms, as well as most county probate court clerks, online, etc. #Law #legal

🔗ORC Section 2108.70 through 2108.90| Assignment of rights regarding disposition of remains. https://codes.ohio.gov/ohio-revised-code/section-2108.70

DECLARATION FOR FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS
(DISPOSITION OF BODILY REMAINS) https://probate.franklincountyohio.gov/PBCT-website/media/Documents/Forms/Advance%20Directives/State-of-Ohio-Declaration-for-Funeral-Arrangements-(Disposition-of-Bodily-Remains).pdf

yawnbox Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes a living trust will bypass probate https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/how-living-trusts-avoid-probate-29848.html

How Living Trusts Avoid Probate

Here are the basics on avoiding probate with living trusts.

www.nolo.com

ChookMother 🇦🇺🦘Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes Maybe you could mention which country this applies to?

HTTP 1.1/418 Teapot Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes YES YES YES HAVE A WILL. Some funeral homes will allow you to discuss and even set up arrangements in advance and - at least sometimes - pay for some of the stuff in advance (not sure how open they are to that for younger folks - I have an older relative who will regularly remind me which funeral home and that everything is all set there and paid for so just go talk to them when the inevitable day arrives.)

Eric McCorkle Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes Yep, I did that.

Artemis Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes also folks, when you set up a will, if you have property or something large that can't easily be broken up, please don't leave it to 12 people to share equally.
My aunts and uncles got a piece of property 15 years ago and they're still fighting over how to sell it or buy each other out.

Sterling Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes
BTW, my dad named my brother POA and I saw what he did to my dad (nothing evil ...but). So leaving it up to relatives....meh ... think about it.
Best you can do is spell out your wishes as much as possible.
I had will & trust since I was in my late 20's.

Nyarlathotep Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes This is exactly what I did and I make yearly updates to mine no less. I even mandated if something happens to the people I delared to have control over this I outlined who would be my backup people.

@hacks4pancakes Everybody, regardless of marital status, should have a will and a durable power of attorney.

FRWessling ✅🌴🍍Feb 9, 2023

@hacks4pancakes my most sincere and deepest condolences to everyone who is affected.