Have my aforementioned haters infiltrated the Bonne Maman kitchen, ensuring that we all endure novel jam flavor combinations that ought never to have existed?

Or have the good people at BM finally headed the free advice from the last two years of #jamvent and filled out calendars solely with delights?

Join me in eating some sugar every morning to find out!

As we open the box, a surprise envelope! It better finally be my invitation to hold the Bonne Maman Endowed Chair in Posting About Jam

No! It's some herbal tea they're now selling. Unfortunately for them I am a long term tea purist and herbal tea is not tea. Cancel me if you dare

Onto the MAIN EVENT

#jamvent #tea #HerbalTeaSucks #CorrectOpinions (actually this whole thread and every post I make should have that hashtag)

December 1: Rhubarb-Strawberry Spread

An audible sigh of relief as I reveal a decent flavor to start us off.

For a moment I fantasize every one of the next 24 days will be equally dignified, that each morning it will feel as though my butler has discreetly stepped just out of sight as I break my fast

BUT cold reality breaks through my dream. It's too sweet! I can SEE the rhubarb threads, it has top billing, but there's almost no tartness. LET HER LIVE HER TRUTH

#jamvent #strawberry #rhubarb

December 2: Orange-Yuzu-Grapefruit Spread

Longtime #jamvent
enthusiasts will recollect that the Yuzu-containing jams are always some of my favorites.

To take this beautiful fruit and pair it with grapefruit, inedibly bitter and for some people basically literally poison, is a depraved act.

I mean it tastes ok, the yuzu shines initially, but the grapefruit just hangs there ruining everything, like a fart in a limousine

#orange #yuzu #grapefruit

I have often wondered if representatives from Bonne Maman were aware of my annual #jamvent festivities

I can now report with this flavor that they must be!!

how else could they devise such a fiendish, depraved combination of flavors designed specifically to hurt me and everyone I have misguidedly encouraged to go in this journey with me

Anyway see you tomorrow where they BETTER make this right

December 3: Apricot-Peach Spread

The front of the box clearly advertises "Limited Edition" jam flavors.

I assume sometimes they are limited by rare and unusual ingredients. For today, I assume they were limited by how much leftover apricot and peach jams they had on hand to mix together in a bucket

On the other hand, as we saw yesterday, sometimes jam flavors can be TOO adventuresome

Anyway, tasted fine, a little sweet, mostly like apricot dallying below her station
#jamvent #apricot #peach

December 4: Mirabelle Plum - Linden Blossom Spread

Oooh! Four Days in, we're finally getting into flavors I couldn't recreate by setting off a wind-up toy in the produce section of a Target and making jam out of the first two fruits it bumped into

The question is, is it good? Well, do you like pleasantly inoffensive sweetness with a fancy title? Of course you do, you're on Mastodon. A bit like if honey was a jam

#jamvent #plum #flowers #blossom #mirabelle #linden #MirabellePlum #LindenBlossom

I cannot believe I got so into writing my jokes that forgot to attach any of the pictures the first time I posted today. Yesterday I forgot all the hashtags.

It is a pretty accurate glimpse behind the #jamvent curtain to see what I'm really like in the morning, groggy and distracted. Also like this most other times of day as well

December 5: Pear-Cocoa Nibs Spread

Pears are an interesting choice for a jam due to one of their best features (graininess) not really translating to something smooth. Cocoa is something we almost never consume simply for its aromatic qualities, rather than for its delicious cocoa fat.

Despite these odds (or because of them?) this pairing (I'm sorry) really works! Put these two in a Netflix Christmas movie so we can watch them meet-cute all over again

#jamvent #pear #cocoa #chocolate

Now, everyone, I do have a tiny announcement:

#jamvent will be on a short hiatus until Thursday afternoon. Once again I am called on to travel to a special location to save neuroscience research from itself 😤😤

I shall review the offerings of December 6, 7, and 8 all at once on Thursday!

In the meantime, I trust you all NOT to form any opinions without consulting me first, as always!!!

If anyone accosts you and demands to speak of jam, simply demur by hiding your face behind your fan

BE NOT AFRAID #jamvent participants and looky-loos!!

I have finally returned to my rightful throne

Unfortunately I wasn't able to get to the back catalog of jams later in the day yesterday (m*n at fault per usual) and now I have to "do" "my" "job" today which is total bs

Anyway I will tell you all how to feel about TODAY'S jam TODAY! And then I shall have an absolute blowout "posting about jams" party Saturday morning

December 9: Orange-Mandarin Spread

You know what they say: no g̶o̶o̶d̶ d̶e̶e̶d̶ triumphant return to power goes unpunished

The text behind the door in the calendar today says:
"Warmest Thoughts".
I assume there were translation issues and what Bonne Maman meant to say was:
"See You In Hell 💖"

Tastes a bit like a citrus-based cleaner with sugar in it. My esophagus now has a streak-free shine

#jamvent #orange #mandarin

December 6: Strawberry-Red Currant Spread

Actually very delicious. To think that when I was winging away to attend the [redacted] Neuro [redacted] I could have been enjoying this jam, which is so delicious I would probably be able to solve the brain myself if they sold it in larger jars.

Heavy strawberry but delicious tart edge from little bits of currant. They are taunting us with what Rhubarb-Strawberry could have been!!!

#jamvent #strawberry #currant

December 7: Peach-Jasmine Flower Spread

What did we ever do to deserve this

I had spread so much of the previous delicious jam on the scone I was eating that only a little coin-sized piece remained. "That's ok", I thought, "one of these is bound to be so bad I wouldn't want to sample more than that."

No matter how strong an aromatic jasmine offers, peach easily shouts it down with notes of dirty socks. I wish the scone piece had been even smaller

#jamvent #peach #jasmine

December 8: Fig-Cardamom Spread

Every year, the jams seem to come from one of three categories:
1) standards / crowd pleasers
2) experiments that ought never to have seen the light of day
3) explicitly Christmas-y flavors

Fig with cardamom seems distinctly Christmas-y to me. Very enjoyable now, but no matter what the lid of the jar says, the expiration date is December 26

#jamvent #fig #cardamom

And finally

December 10: Apple-Caramel-Cinnamon Spread

Doing these out of order means I am hit with two Christmas-y jams back to back. DJ Bonne Maman is fuming over her playlist

There's no nice way to say this: this jam is a fraud! Caramel involves dairy, and there is none involved here. They are carelessly trading on caramel's good name to market their "sugar with more sugar" apple jam

Tastes like sugared apples and lies. Perfect for Christmas

#jamvent #apple #caramel #cinnamon

December 11: Honey

What did I say? I said this honey would appear just at the moment most able to psychologically break me. This year, that is right when I'm trying to get my momentum back. Diabolical

Oh to hell with it it I'm doing a tasting

Heavily crystalized. Bonne Maman is accusing me of keeping my house too cold!! The flavor on a scone is bringing back childhood memories of the best thing from KFC, biscuits and honey. I guess I've always known how to live

#jamvent #honey

December 12: Cherry - Elderflower Spread

A quiet "oh hell yes" escapes my lips as I reveal today's jam.

Very juicy and sweet and tart all at once. Tastes like the platonic ideal of fruit roll ups that all gummy snacks are mere pale shadows of. Gushers could neverrrr

A real struggle not to eat the whole jar today!! but I'm saving some of each for the final rankings at the end of the month. I am, as always, the very picture of restraint

#jamvent #cherry #elderflower

December 13: Pineapple - Yuzu Spread

I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for you!!!

Pineapples I quite like, even in this setting (a reconstituted candied pineapple taste and texture). Yuzu I obviously love. I technically CAN taste the yuzu, but not until a front wave of pineapple has trampled all over the tongue

It was all fun and games when I couldn't taste the alleged flower notes but now they've made a powerful* enemy

*Exclusions and restrictions apply

#jamvent #pineapple #yuzu

I hate today's jam. I am on strike.

I had a dream last night that I was in a "And Then There Were None" style murder mystery situation set in a large Victorian-era art museum (around 2 dozen of us were all locked in) with my boyfriend, British comedian Jimmy Carr.

He was actually quite sweet in the dream, but I woke up as he was being accused of being the murderer by the 6 remaining living persons. I know he couldn't have done it though, too many people were still alive

December 14: Grapefruit-Dragon Fruit Spread

I technically tried it, as the arrow on the photo indicates 💅

Look, these are some unimpressive fruits, taste wise, and you all know it!! What these two ladies DO do well is serve flawless looks

Hypothesis: some chaos agent invented this jam based on visual appeal alone, and then forgot they were boiling them, straining out the seeds, and shoving it into a dark shadowy box. And it should have stayed there!!!

#jamvent #grapefruit #dragonfruit

December 15: Strawberry-Verbena Spread

I just went Over There and read last year's posts:

1) I was funnier, because I had to keep it snappy! This place could benefit from shorter character limits and less racism

2) last year I could taste the verbena. Other repeat jams had a slight bitter note last year

These maniacs are laughing somewhere about us tasting each of these little jars only to slowly realize this year they're only sugar, food coloring, and Dasani

#jamvent #strawberry #verbena