A quotation from Kerry Greenwood

Kerry Greenwood (b. 1954) Australian author and lawyer
Phryne Fisher No. 13, The Castlemaine Murders, ch. 4 (2003)

More about this quote: wist.info/greenwood-kerry/8331…

#quote #quotes #quotation #qotd #kerrygreenwood #phrynefisher #missfisher #chitchat #conventions #conversation #courtesy #discussion #etiquette #politeness #rules #socialconventions #conformity #nonconformity #rulebreaking #breaktherules

Why Are Autistic Folks Generally Tolerant?

I do have a simple theory.

My theory is that it is because we don’t generally believe in arbitrary social conventions. Those very same conventions usually do not serve us, autistic folks, well. Once the social conventions that oppress us daily are seen as arbitrary, it does not take much to realize that most other social conventions are arbitrary too.

Here are some of the quirks that cause friction between me and society. On any ordinary day, I need two naps per day to function. Their timing is not stable. I do not know of any office that would tolerate this.

How about my dislike of phone calls? It is not that I cannot make a phone call, but I will do everything to avoid making a call. I’ll send emails. I’ll text, but I won’t call if I can help it.

How about stimming? I’m lucky that most of my stims can be explained away. However, some of us are more effusive with our stims. Neurotypicals tend to find these more effusive stims annoying.

How about the verbal shutdowns, the meltdowns, the burnouts that we experience? “Why don’t you answer me when I talk to you!” That’s because I cannot!

There are tons of social conventions that do not serve us, autistic folks, well. To us, these conventions seem to be completely arbitrary. Why should I not be able to take a nap? Or email? Or stim? Or experience a verbal shutdown? Why? We don’t choose our limitations, but society berates us for them.

An autistic individual will soon see that those social conventions are arbitrary. If these conventions are arbitrary, then what about that convention held by some folks that a couple has to be heterosexual, or that monogamy is the only model, or that a woman’s place is in the kitchen, or that there are only two genders, fixed at birth, and so on.

These will also look arbitrary. In addition to the characteristics I mentioned above about myself, I’m also queer, polyamorous, nonbinary, etc. I don’t generally get into trouble with autistic folks about these differences from the norm.

Thus, autistic people tend to be welcoming of difference. They do not give grief to queer folks, polyamorous folks, people who don’t follow the gender norms that others want to impose, and so on. Society called you a girl when you were born, but you feel like a man? Who are we to tell you that you are wrong?

I’ll note here that some of us are capable of falling prey to those social conventions that the majority of autistic folks see as arbitrary. These individuals will espouse some social conventions extremely, most likely to be able to fit with the group that promotes those conventions. They want to impose the conventions they’ve adopted for themselves on everyone. This does happen, but it is not the majority.

The majority of autistic folks are tolerant. Even when they do adopt some social conventions for themselves, they do not impose those conventions on others. This is the crucial distinction.

#ActuallyAutistic #autism #autistic #AutisticWriters #SocialConventions #society #tolerance #YourAutisticLife

https://www.yourautisticlife.com/2024/10/31/why-are-autistic-folks-generally-tolerant/

I was supposed to be on a date today.

It might not happen. I'm not sure yet.

She texted me this morning saying that she wounded herself "the other night", is bleeding, and needs to see a doctor. Her message looked like she was cancelling the date, but she did not come right out with it. Also, based on her wording, I'm thinking the wound is sexual in nature.

(Sexual wounds do happen. One gf of mine was wounded by another gf who fingered her too vigorously. She bled a bit. I've managed to get wounded, too, at times. Nobody went to the hospital. However, I'm not second guessing my date's stated need to see a doctor.)

Now my autistic brain is reviewing all possibilities. Is she perhaps cancelling the date because she thinks that anything less than the scene we discussed is going to put me off? (For those who don't know, having discussed a scene means having discussed what I'd do to her sexually. So, yes, sex was on the table. Yes, this is a first date. Yes, I know what I'm doing, thank you very much.)

Now, I'm a *caregiver* first and foremost. Even if we discussed full on sex, *it does not have to happen.*

True stories.

Once, a girl and I were in the middle of sex, and she decided to tap out. She was not feeling quite right. We just stopped. I did not become angry or beg her to continue. Her well-being was first and foremost on my mind.

I truly thought I'd be having sex with my boyfriend this weekend. At his request, I had produced a scene for him. His libido seems to be a bit fluctuating, however, and the sex I was expecting did not happen. No biggie. I'm a *care* *giver*.

I've negotiated twice relationships in which there would have been affection but no sex. These relationships did not happen, due to issues on those folks side.

I feel like I'm living in a world where people expect me to behave according to social norms. Yes, I do get that a lot of cishet men would think that because sex was discussed, then sex is owed.

I'm not those folks.

So I did tell my date that I want to care for her, and that even if sex is off the table due to her bleeding, we can meet. At the same time, I don't want to pressure her. She hasn't answered yet.

I'm also wondering if she'd be fine with having sex while bleeding, but she thinks I'd be put off by the blood. Again, this is a social norm. "You're bleeding??? Ew, no!!!!" Again, I'm not this type of person. I have an ex whose menstrual cramps were made tolerable by sex. I gave her sex, and she just bled on me. No biggie!

I did not tell my date this bit, however. I figured it might be too much pressure.

#dating #sex #autism #blood #SocialNorms #SocialConventions

Oh, and she's 5'10". I'm 5'7". Neither of us care about height.

This is one aspect of my queerness. Screw social conventions that dictate that the man has to be taller than the woman.

#queer #SocialConventions #height