Holy shit.
OK, so I mentioned before how I'm a kepholon (effectively a fluid, quasi-fused state of four alters in a tall trenchcoat).
So, I'm talking about what that means with a friend, and I'm talking about my inner world, the Theater, where every one of my alters has a room. The Blue Room, the Red Room, the Yellow Room, the Violet Room, and the Black...Room.......
That's when I realized I don't have a room back there. And when I wondered why, I realized that...oh. I'm...uh...I don't actually have an inner self, I guess? Or not an independent one. Inside, I'm always four. Outside, I can be this one or any combination of my comprising four. But inside?
There's no Ellis in the Theater.
Except for the spotlight. The spotlight, when all four of my fronting alters sync up on stage, turns indigo. And then I exist. Not an individual consciousness but a collective, emergent process.
I end when they stop.
That's so weird to think about. Thank Camus I'm an absurdist. These kinds of thoughts could fuck a girl up!
#OSDD #OSDD1b #DID #Multiplicity #Plurality #InnerWorld #Kepholon #Consciousness #Emergence #Psychology #Neurodiversity #PostConscious #Absurdism #Camus #Identity #Existentialism #Self