@EverBeyondReach Stumbled upon this post.

I'll keep it short, because I can make stories long :P.

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Part I: Genderless

At work, with un-diagnosed ADHD, reading a article about trans books being banned in the classroom. My spouse is a teacher so I thought I would read. My stomach clenches and as I read and think to myself: I should see just how bad this book is for myself.

So I buy the ebook and read it right then and there. GenderQueer by Maia Kobabe.

Well that was a mistake! Each page I turn that pit in my stomach? It got worst. And worst. And worst. I cant put the book down because I relate soooo muuch to eir story! Which I remember thinking to myself as weird because their AGAB is different than mine. But that only cemented how strong this connection was.

An hour goes by and I should really be working. I try to do some work but I cant get this thought out of my head. Gender. Gender. Nonbinary. So I pick the book back up and finish it right then and there.

I feel absolutely sick. I finished the book, and the pit in my stomach phased and evolved into intense butterflies. I felt excited but didn't know why. I found myself googling about gender and stumbled across agender and something in my brain just clicked! It just made too much sense! But I needed to get these thoughts out of my mind. I started to feel trapped not being able to think of anything else.

It was as if I was drowning in these words of gender, agender, non-binary, not a guy, what if I'm not a guy? OH GOD! So I go and try to take a nap because the anxiety is really beating me down.

I get about a minute of peace as I think I can sleep, but then the thoughts creep back in. I want to point out that its not all words. As I think in abstract thoughts and find words after. So these thoughts I have are fixed ideas of Maia's story, agender, nonbinary, and the knowledge that I know the truth. I just haven't intentionally admitted it to myself just yet.

So at this point it's been HOURS. Hours that I spent reading, researching and trying to calm myself down. I realized that I can't get these thoughts out of my head. I CANT GET THEM OUT! I AM TRAPPED! "I'm going to have to kill myself to get rid of these thoughts!" I said to myself as if that was a totally rational conclusion to getting thoughts out of your head.

It's at this point that I completely broke down, because I really didn't want to die. But, at one moment that felt like forever, I took a step back and looked at WHY I felt that way. The thoughts were stuck in my head because I am captivated by the idea of not being a guy! That this idea connects and vibes with me so well! I know it was less than a second, but it felt like a very long time. The turning point to self-admission was a single thought:

"If I'm going to kill myself and be dead anyways, I might as well take the chance and be agender!"

The pit in my stomach lifted and turned back into butterflies. I still couldn't get it out of my mind but the rest of the evening turned to excitement as I scoured the internet to read everything I could get my hands on!

Part II: Girl

Right before bed, I stumbled upon an article about tucking. I read it. It was a how-to guide, and I was captivated by it because I never before understood how it was done! I was like: "interesting! I should try that." "just to see". So when bedtime comes around, I get ready for bed and as I get naked, performed the tuck and sat down on a bench in my room. By the way, my partner had COVID so I had privacy. Actually this is why all this happened. I was alone with my thoughts for too long.

I. Cannot. Explain. What. I. Felt!

It was the most intense wave of, I didn't even know what! This intense feeling of warmth emanated through my body, and I felt like I was floating. It was a feeling I never felt before, and was just as intense if not more than literal drugs. lol!

I looked down at my body and saw myself without a penis. Nothing but my pubic hair, which did a really good job at hiding my vagina; completing the illusion. I SAW myself as not a boy! I SAW myself as a girl! I felt just so happy that I could experience this with myself (that's what I thought) and just felt love. I'll admit that I did different poses to see myself in different lights. Eventually the feeling subsided enough that I decided I had to sleep.

I don't remember hitting the bed. I was just so spent.

Part III: Girl; for real this time yo

It wasn't until ~day 10 of this constant 'panic' that returned that I finally admitted to myself that I was a girl. The admission happened at the same time as to my partner. Organically. It was very hard and caused a lot of tears from both of us.

I needed the extra 9 days to confirm that I am a girl, as I flipped right back to agender (at least not all the way back to boy!) the next morning. I had to process and panic a lot more about being a girl before admitting that I was one. It was on day 10 that I had my therapy appointment, came out, and processed it all. When my partner came home, I couldn't keep it all in.

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So thats it! Thats my story! Thank god I didn't go on a rant and write a whole lot! ;)

#comingout #ComingOutStory #trans #transgender #girldick #egg #eggcracking