@ics @Mendie_Taoma In our case, the question of "What if I'm trans?" had been buzzing around our head since around November/December 2019.

Around the same time, we'd played or were playing co-op games of Divinity: Original Sin 2 and Stardew Valley with our wife (#MyReason) as girl / woman characters, which was totally normal cis guy behaviour 😅

By March 2020, we were working entirely remotely from home. Then lockdown happened too.

Before then, our mental bandwidth was constantly taken up by the noise and distraction of others in the office, as well as having to put up with neurotypical expectations. Without this to exhaust our mind, there was space to question whether this was something.

We procrastinated heavily at first. It was too big a question to start to answer. The most we did at first really was let our hair grow out for about 6 months, before chickening out and shaving it off.

That was the last time we shaved the hair on our head.

Meanwhile, looking back at our YouTube search history, we were continuing or had just started watching like Steven Universe and The Owl House (totally normal cishet series), we continued always choosing a fem character in games, and we watched videos about SARS-CoV-2.

Around the beginning of 2021, we were still not taking any active action, just letting our hair grow out. It looks like we were playing a lot of Minecraft (1.16.x) at the time and watching Minecraft music collab videos by ZAMination and other creators (e.g., Skeleton Rap; Zombie Girl; Just Monika etc.).

Something near the end of 2020 or beginning of 2021, our team leader went on prolonged sick leave. We knew he'd been struggling with energy for a while, but tests hadn't found anything then as far as we knew.

Sometime in March 2021, we and our colleagues in the same department at work were called into a meeting. We had no idea what it was about, and when they first mentioned our team leader's name, we thought maybe he'd been fired or something. We didn't expect what then happened.

The head of department attempted to give us an update on our team leader without bursting into tears, failing entirely. He had died. Not just that, but it was due to them finding an aggressive, late-stage cancer of some kind, which somehow none of the previous tests had identified. They'd tried to treat him with chemotherapy as soon it was discovered, if we recall correctly, but it had only quickened the end.

It wasn't just a shock to us: it broke something in us. He'd seemed a bit low energy but otherwise okay just a short while back, and suddenly he was no more, just like that. No time for goodbyes. No time to let him know how much we all liked him, irrespective of him being a bit bumbling at times.

Our thoughts around this time are a jumbled mess. All we can recall is that it made us realise that our life could end just that suddenly too, without us ever being brave enough to answer the question that we'd been procrastinating finding an answer for.

On 3rd April 2021, we watched Abigail Thorn's coming out video, and associated videos.

On 4th April 2021, we apparently searched YouTube for "trans coming out" videos.

Sometime after that, we booked a phone appointment to talk with a GP about our gender identity, scheduled for 23rd April 2021. This was followed by an in-person appointment on 6th May 2021 to fill out forms to be referred to an NHS gender clinic.

The rest, as they say, is history, and a tale for another time.

#EggCracking #trans #transgender #NonBinary

@wyatt8740 Some people I've run into are against Internet "egg cracking" culture that they claim overdiagnoses GNC people as trans and makes GNC people feel they need to transition to have support from friends.

#egg #eggcracking #gnc

@EverBeyondReach Stumbled upon this post.

I'll keep it short, because I can make stories long :P.

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Part I: Genderless

At work, with un-diagnosed ADHD, reading a article about trans books being banned in the classroom. My spouse is a teacher so I thought I would read. My stomach clenches and as I read and think to myself: I should see just how bad this book is for myself.

So I buy the ebook and read it right then and there. GenderQueer by Maia Kobabe.

Well that was a mistake! Each page I turn that pit in my stomach? It got worst. And worst. And worst. I cant put the book down because I relate soooo muuch to eir story! Which I remember thinking to myself as weird because their AGAB is different than mine. But that only cemented how strong this connection was.

An hour goes by and I should really be working. I try to do some work but I cant get this thought out of my head. Gender. Gender. Nonbinary. So I pick the book back up and finish it right then and there.

I feel absolutely sick. I finished the book, and the pit in my stomach phased and evolved into intense butterflies. I felt excited but didn't know why. I found myself googling about gender and stumbled across agender and something in my brain just clicked! It just made too much sense! But I needed to get these thoughts out of my mind. I started to feel trapped not being able to think of anything else.

It was as if I was drowning in these words of gender, agender, non-binary, not a guy, what if I'm not a guy? OH GOD! So I go and try to take a nap because the anxiety is really beating me down.

I get about a minute of peace as I think I can sleep, but then the thoughts creep back in. I want to point out that its not all words. As I think in abstract thoughts and find words after. So these thoughts I have are fixed ideas of Maia's story, agender, nonbinary, and the knowledge that I know the truth. I just haven't intentionally admitted it to myself just yet.

So at this point it's been HOURS. Hours that I spent reading, researching and trying to calm myself down. I realized that I can't get these thoughts out of my head. I CANT GET THEM OUT! I AM TRAPPED! "I'm going to have to kill myself to get rid of these thoughts!" I said to myself as if that was a totally rational conclusion to getting thoughts out of your head.

It's at this point that I completely broke down, because I really didn't want to die. But, at one moment that felt like forever, I took a step back and looked at WHY I felt that way. The thoughts were stuck in my head because I am captivated by the idea of not being a guy! That this idea connects and vibes with me so well! I know it was less than a second, but it felt like a very long time. The turning point to self-admission was a single thought:

"If I'm going to kill myself and be dead anyways, I might as well take the chance and be agender!"

The pit in my stomach lifted and turned back into butterflies. I still couldn't get it out of my mind but the rest of the evening turned to excitement as I scoured the internet to read everything I could get my hands on!

Part II: Girl

Right before bed, I stumbled upon an article about tucking. I read it. It was a how-to guide, and I was captivated by it because I never before understood how it was done! I was like: "interesting! I should try that." "just to see". So when bedtime comes around, I get ready for bed and as I get naked, performed the tuck and sat down on a bench in my room. By the way, my partner had COVID so I had privacy. Actually this is why all this happened. I was alone with my thoughts for too long.

I. Cannot. Explain. What. I. Felt!

It was the most intense wave of, I didn't even know what! This intense feeling of warmth emanated through my body, and I felt like I was floating. It was a feeling I never felt before, and was just as intense if not more than literal drugs. lol!

I looked down at my body and saw myself without a penis. Nothing but my pubic hair, which did a really good job at hiding my vagina; completing the illusion. I SAW myself as not a boy! I SAW myself as a girl! I felt just so happy that I could experience this with myself (that's what I thought) and just felt love. I'll admit that I did different poses to see myself in different lights. Eventually the feeling subsided enough that I decided I had to sleep.

I don't remember hitting the bed. I was just so spent.

Part III: Girl; for real this time yo

It wasn't until ~day 10 of this constant 'panic' that returned that I finally admitted to myself that I was a girl. The admission happened at the same time as to my partner. Organically. It was very hard and caused a lot of tears from both of us.

I needed the extra 9 days to confirm that I am a girl, as I flipped right back to agender (at least not all the way back to boy!) the next morning. I had to process and panic a lot more about being a girl before admitting that I was one. It was on day 10 that I had my therapy appointment, came out, and processed it all. When my partner came home, I couldn't keep it all in.

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So thats it! Thats my story! Thank god I didn't go on a rant and write a whole lot! ;)

#comingout #ComingOutStory #trans #transgender #girldick #egg #eggcracking