Mastodawn

Stefan Mar 22

@alice obviously "all of the above"

iam-py-test Mar 22

@alice I accidentally selected "blatant wealth signifiers". I blame being on a phone.

PaulaToThePeople 😷Mar 22

@alice reusable ffp2-mask with inclusive pride flag printed on it

su_liam Mar 22

@PaulaToThePeople @alice Same mistake I made. That’s obviously not a wrong answer.

PaulaToThePeople 😷Mar 23

@su_liam @alice "wrong answers only" was added later.

PS: Cute dog pic btw.

su_liam 6d ago

@PaulaToThePeople @alice I’m pretty sure it was added before I posted.😔
Still a cute dog, even if he is much bigger…

🅰🅻🅸🅲🅴 (🌈🦄)6d ago

@PaulaToThePeople
@su_liam indeed a cute dog 🫠

Kiwibyte Mar 22

How about someone holding a small fish?

the elder sea Mar 22

@kiwikiwikiwi
I think a small fish mounted on a Trucker hat, terribly backlit

Kiwibyte 5d ago

@eldersea What if the small fish wears a trucker hat, too?

su_liam Mar 22

@kiwikiwikiwi That turns out to be his genitalia.

Kiwibyte 5d ago

@su_liam Damn, he fish was a metaphor all along!

Dan (he/him)

@alice it won't let me vote for none!!!

Springy Owlbear

@alice I picked one, but this really needs a "none of the above" option.

atapi ❤️Mar 22

@alice tasteful, composed, yet still sexualized nudes. a dick or pussy should be a complement to the rest of one's body, not the main focus. show some effort in your pics

Coal Mar 22

@alice good poll!

Dizzy 0069 Stiff Assed Crip

@alice Holding a sausage. An actual cooked sausage.
Goth chests, Tattoos and piercings optional.
Photo as a Nun.
Photo in military uniform.
Photo in Star Trek cosplay.
Photo with a firearm.
Photo with a bladed weapon.

And yes, I am a weirdo 😻

Wraparound sunglasses
Taken inside a truck cab

Alex(ithymia)

@alice Since I don't date (I buy them at the supermarket - yeah yeah, you've heard that one a million times), I can only tell you what my immediate turn-offs would be.

(that's kinda how i work, easier to tell what I don't like.)

So that won't help you.

(I think I would give bonus points for cat somewhere in the picture, though.)

Jef Poskanzer Mar 22

@alice May I introduce you to Jonathan the Sturgeon Guy

@jef @alice

Photos like this are common on straight middle-aged women's profiles. I think it's hilarious that most people think of this as a guy thing and women complain about it all the time, but 🤷‍♂️

Faraiwe Mar 22

@jef @alice ...what's the sturgeon's name??

Crowjane Mar 22

@faraiwe @jef @alice

Virgin. Virgin B Sturgeon, not unlike his handler.

@jef @alice I would have totally swiped right back in the day, since he's obvs a pro and I would have a lot to talk about with a fish bio

I used to swipe left if guys had photos where they were using a chainsaw with inadequate PPE

yes this meant that I got a variety of "sexy selfies" when my now-husband got a new pair of saw chaps 😆

(I swiped right on him bc he had what I thought might be a Labor Notes reference on his profile AND IT WAS)

Nuclear Oatmeal Mar 22

@alice

No bacon. Swipe whichever direction is no. Left?

And I'm guessing left from a song in Hazbin Hotel 🎶Sorry babe, but I'm not swiping right 🎶

E. C. Bigribs Mar 22

@alice I remember two pictures from my now-spouse's OkCupid dating profile.

One was a sexy beach pic. Specifically, it was a windswept, overcast, PNW beach and she was wearing foul weather gear and looking at a collection of seal bones.

The other was a fuck pic. Or rather, a clothed picture of her grinning and extending her middle finger, saying "fuck you!" She told me later this was in the event one of her exes found her profile.

@eedly @alice I would 💯 have swiped right for the first one 😆

I used to make sure I had pix of myself in field gear and a hard hat because it thinned out the guys who could not deal

E. C. Bigribs 6d ago

@sarae Just remembered, there was also a pic of her holding a pair of salmon from when she worked on boats in SE Alaska.

There I was, just scrolling my feed enjoying all the silent Sunday toots, minding my own business.

And out pops this toot, causing me to do a double take and have a hearty chuckle.

Thank you 🩵

@alice

What gets me really hot when looking at dating profile pics is a variation of your "Just dog/cat". I really like the ones where the woman is hiding behind her panting dog while reaching forward taking a selfie down its throat with its sloppy drooling tongue hanging out.

I'm assuming this is a metaphor. Instant right swipe, of course.

(lol people not spotting parody in this post)

Nils Hammer Mar 22

@alice MAGA caps are my biggest turn-on (not)

Aprazeth Mar 22

@alice

Honestly, excluding the possibility you meant this ironically and I am missing the entire point I would have to say none of those turn me on.

Most also wouldn't turn me off either, depending the situations.

Except for the slop generated avatar, flaunting of wealth (like waving wads of cash)

The rest, ehh... There might be story behind why they posted it. That fish photo might be a trip they made with close friends, the dog/cat their pet, Smiley's on faces protecting others privacy.

Flipper 🐬🏳️‍🌈Mar 22

@alice i voted "all cleavage", but just to be clear I mean the "no belt, fixing a sink drain cleavage"

Agnieszka R. Turczyńska Mar 22

@alice Lol. Just a mere thought of an AI generated avatar of a person with duck lips, while holding a gun, and my knees are getting weak.

*thud*

Sorry. I've fainted. It was too much. 😳

Goopadrew Mar 22

@agturcz @alice good thing they didn't add the fish or you'd be irrecoverably smitten

Rupert V/Mar 22

@alice Damn, missed the wrong answers only instruction.
I couldn't bear a dating app where everyone was properly dressed.

DamonHD Mar 22

@rupert @alice define "properly"!

Juniper 🏳️‍⚧️🌲Mar 22

@alice hmm, I'm going to have to update my dating profile when this finished

@alice I tried, for years, to talk to the "guys holding fish" about if they would take me fishing as a date and it was always: "oh that was one time on my buddy's boat" or "oh, that was from a trip" or "we were on a charter boat"

They NEVER actually FISH!!!!

@pencilears @alice IDK I matched with a guy who was an actual fishing guide once

but I was like six inches taller than him and not Roman Catholic so it wasn't going to work, alas

@sarae @alice yeah, you need somebody who actively likes tall women, just not worth it otherwise.

@pencilears @sarae @alice
OMG.
You all really want the fisher people?
I can't NOT meet fish heads in my line of work.
Even *I'* have caught a few.

@ohmu @sarae @alice the situation is dire out there if you're looking for a person with any kind of hobby

@ohmu @pencilears @sarae @alice

clew Mar 22

people who like the same kind of fishing should hang out yesno? Save friction with other people

I know someone whose second marriage, late in life, was happy while they could both go bass fishing all the time and be silent together. Then they got too frail to do that and everything fell apart.

@pencilears @sarae @alice

@clew
That's so sad! Oh no!

@ohmu @clew @pencilears @alice we like different kinds of fishing but I'm learning to fly fish

@sarae
That's love right there.

@clew @pencilears @alice

@ohmu @clew @pencilears @alice I mean when someone's like, would you like to fish the north fork of the Flathead, if you've got any sense you try to learn a new skill😆

@sarae @clew @pencilears

That's .. very true. I'm jealous. Nice!🎣

@ohmu @pencilears @alice biologists are super weird and I would totally have been willing to consider reasonable offers, back in the day

Tobias 🌒🌕🌘Mar 22

@pencilears @sarae @alice dating a tall woman would be amaaazing, imho. That's all I'm going to say about it.

@pencilears @alice

Similar experience matching and chatting with women who have a picture of themselves river rafting/rock climbing/skydiving/outdoorsy-ing. I now subconsciously caption those photos "here's that one and only time ever I did [activity] that I have no intention of doing again but posted because I want you to think I am adventurous. Also, it was eight years ago."

I am betting that straight men do this constantly. Seems very much like a dude thing.

@Mikal @alice yeah, I learned the hard way that people mostly falsely represent themselves as outdoorsy because that's a way of trying to avoid fat people.

Jokes on them, I'm fat and outdoorsy.

@pencilears @alice

Huh, that had never occurred to me but I guess it kind of makes sense? I always assumed it was because being outdoorsy or adventurous is hip, especially in my two dating geographies (Northern California and southern Arizona).

Ugh. Why are people. I'm starting to see the appeal of robots 😂

@Mikal @alice if I ever loose my wife I will not be going back on the market

Shadow53 Mar 22

@pencilears @alice Well clearly you never met *this* guy (satire): https://archive.is/2e9sf (archive/unpaywall of https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/i-am-a-tinder-guy-holding-a-fish-and-i-will-provide-for-you)

Goopadrew Mar 22

@shadow53 @pencilears @alice "I will sustain you with my love and with my fish" lol this is poetry