fancysandwiches3d ago
lcamtuf   

*** Online shopping in 2010 ***

Me: Hello, UnderpantsEmporium.com? I’d like to buy underpants.

Underpants Emporium: Certainly, sir. Your underpants will arrive on Monday.

Me: Thanks.

*** Online shopping in 2025 ***

Me: Hello, UnderpantsEmporium.com? I’d like to buy underpants.

*ding* ShipPirate.biz: Your package is getting shipped!

Me: Wait, who are yo…

*phone vibrates* SMS from 21525: ORDER UPDATE: package is on the move.

*ding* UPS MyChoice: Your package is on the way.

*ding* Underpants Emporium: Your pants-ckage is en route from us to you.

Me: dudes…

*ding* Underpants Emporium: Be sure to review your underpants!

*ding* UPS MyChoice: Your package is out for delivery. Follow it on a live map.

*phone vibrates* SMS from 21525: ORDER UPDATE: package is out for delivery.

*phone vibrates* SMS from +252 3983929301: There was a problem with your shipment. Please claim your package at che4p-pi1lz.virus-basket.biz.ru.

*ding* Underpants Emporium: how’s that review coming along?

*phone vibrates* SMS from 21525: ORDER UPDATE: the eagle has landed.

*ding* Underpants Emporium: customers who bought underpants also bought

Jul 11 at 10:18pmWeb
Show threadevan3d ago

@lcamtuf

+63 444 3341976: there was an exception and your package cannot be delivered: usps.sssssss.su/fr33-b1tC0in$

(Edit: The above post has since been improved)

Show threadcarthik3d ago
@IrrationalMethod @lcamtuf 😆
Show threadavatastic  3d ago
@lcamtuf that's oddly the same amount of guff I get ordering from AliExpress.
Show threadNoodlemaz2d ago
@avatastic @lcamtuf best to avoid
Show threadSplinux 2d ago

@avatastic @lcamtuf that's by design. You order malware the moment you install anything Alibaba.

Not even malicious. Just shit software culture.

Show threadFeral Aunt Nessie 3d ago
@lcamtuf This is too accurate it hurts
Show thread🔗 David Sommerseth3d ago

@lcamtuf 1 week later ...

TrustPilot e-mail: Review your underpants experience now!

Show threadSimply Simon3d ago
@dazo @lcamtuf
Totallyrealpantiesconneseur1337 (Verified Purchase): It’s not just about the underpants -emdash- it’s about understanding the gentle curves of the human crotchal region with craftsmanlike lovingness. UnderpantsEmporium has revived the ancient Sumerian art of cottonised pelvicary supportitation to produce an artisanal undergarmentary festival. Your gonadinacious nethereals will celebrate this purchase for the rest of your life. 5 stars.
Show threadMeadow3d ago

@lcamtuf
I buy less and less and less the more I am exposed to such things.

If the corporations made shopping pleasant, they might just make more money.

Show threadThe Aforementioned W3d ago

@meadow Nothing will make me hit unsubscribe faster than a company trying to sell me more of the item I just bought. No, I do not need a new wastebasket every three days!

@lcamtuf

Show threadSimply Simon3d ago
@willaful @meadow @lcamtuf Our records indicate you recently purchased a new fridge. Here are some personalised fridge recommendations we think you'll love!
Show threadRoger Lipscombe2d ago
@Salty @willaful @meadow @lcamtuf just how many toilet seats do they think I get through in a given month?
Show threadcmdrSprocket2d ago
@willaful @meadow @lcamtuf Still giggling at the 2015ish Amazon recommendation for vacuum dust bags for the vacuum I returned 2 months before.
Show threadwendivibe1d ago
@cmdrSprocket @willaful @meadow @lcamtuf Lol, Amazon was trying to sell me $799.00 gas powered lawnmowers. We literally don’t have a lawn.
Show threadJoanna Holman3d ago
@lcamtuf @blogdiva missed the step about them printing a shipping label
Show threadsasutina13a 🇨🇦 🇪🇺 🇯🇵 🌐3d ago

@joannaholman

That is what they call, "your order has shipped!"

@lcamtuf @blogdiva@mastodon.social

Show threadJoanna Holman3d ago
@sasutina13 @lcamtuf I’ve seen a few retailers where your shipping label has been printed and your order has been shipped are seperate steps they email about
Show threadVoracious Reader3d ago

@joannaholman @sasutina13 @lcamtuf

Australia Post always lets me know that the AliExpress vendor has just printed a shipping label.
I always wonder 1) how do they know, and
2) why should I care?
I mean, I've never had a follow-up survey asking me to rate the label font, or layout, or the effectiveness of the adhesive used to attach it to the package, or how likely I am to recommend the label to my friends and family.

Show thread Antonius Marie ⚧2d ago

@lnlyisol @joannaholman @sasutina13 @lcamtuf

I've no answer for 2) (because no, it doesn't really matter to us, does it?) but 1) is because when a printing label is printed, it's them sending your information to the shipper, so that it gets into the shipper's system (both so they know to pick it up, and where to at some point deliver it to)

Show threadSu_G3d ago

@joannaholman @lcamtuf @blogdiva

Yes!! I relate to this: my printer (in the US) is guilty of it. Took us quite a while to work out it has no meaning in terms of getting something actually delivered. Still frustrating to be gaslit in this way. 😠

Show threadSynn Fynn 3d ago

@lcamtuf

LMAO ... I'm dyin'...my sides
lol

Show threadNazo3d ago

@lcamtuf You know, this is all so accurate it's almost scary, but... I just really want to focus on one thing for a second: why the heck are they so determined for us to review a thing we haven't even opened yet??

I don't even open most stuff for three days right now, so those "reminders" really drive me batty.

Show threadSnoopJ3d ago

@nazokiyoubinbou @lcamtuf probably juices their sales or makes them believe in same

no corp is entitled to reviews and the emails are just harrassment tbh

Show threadNazo3d ago

@SnoopJ @lcamtuf Oh I have no doubt that they at least think it helps sales (though I don't see how negative reviews help...)

But why can't they even give me time to actually get it first? The first "remember to review your order" message often comes before you get it... And the second reminder is usually on day one. Some things take a while to evaluate. Like even if it's food and you actually eat it, you can't eat it all on day one!

Show threadSnoopJ3d ago
@nazokiyoubinbou @lcamtuf you might rate it negatively if you wait until you've gotten it, but if you review while waiting for it, surely the anticipation will nudge it a bit higher on average.
Show threadNazo3d ago

@SnoopJ @lcamtuf I seriously doubt that...

Heck, there are actual reviews for products often that say "it never arrived" or something and they always give them the lowest possible rating. This is stupid and I wish they wouldn't do that. And it sure doesn't help the company's sales...

Show threadD22d ago
@SnoopJ @nazokiyoubinbou @lcamtuf ok, but … *how*?! How does one ‘review while waiting’? More deeply, what plan is rattling about in the squirrel-cage brain of some boss for how this would / could ever be a thing?! ‘The expert’ comes to mind. “But… Seven lines can’t be mutually-perpendicular”. https://youtu.be/BKorP55Aqvg?feature=shared
The Expert (Short Comedy Sketch)

YouTube
Show threadFâther Däle2d ago
@nazokiyoubinbou @SnoopJ @lcamtuf On my third reminder message about the guitar case I ordered when I let them know EXACTLY how I felt about it. That was the last communication I got from them ...
Show threadSebastian "spaetz" Spaeth1d ago
@nazokiyoubinbou @lcamtuf ohh, don't you love all those Amazon reviews, giving 5 stars and stating: 'Looks good, I haven't unwrapped the package yet' or ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ 'was a present for a friend, so I have never used product X'.
Show threadjustmichelle3d ago
@lcamtuf Now add the text from the neighbor telling me that I have a package by the gate.
Show threadAaron2d ago
@justmichelle @lcamtuf Their gate, not yours
Show threadjustmichelle2d ago
@hosford42 @lcamtuf It is the one gate by the road. They live right there. I live a bit down the drive. Thankfully not within sight line. Unfortunately within earshot.
Show threadTim Clevenger 3d ago
@lcamtuf "Pants-ckage" was just *chef's kiss*
Show threadJon Renaut3d ago
@lcamtuf the "please claim your package" url is art, it should be in the Louvre
Show threadmark3d ago

@lcamtuf now could you take a quick survey?

How about now?

Still no?

Show threadThorne Lawler3d ago
@lcamtuf @DamienWise Oh no. Did you just spend *actual money* using that thing? Fuck! That’s like blood in the water!
Put the phone down. Gently. Yes, like that.
Now RUN! RUUUUN!
Show threadaburka 🫣3d ago
@lcamtuf All three of the other websites on the internet, in between every post: WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MORE UNDERPANTS???
Show threadP43d ago
@aburka @lcamtuf it's dumber when you buy something like a washing machine, and then every ad everywhere is washing machines in case you wanted to, I dunno, expand your collection?
Show threadaburka 🫣2d ago
@p4 @lcamtuf the greatest minds in machine learning produced this algorithm https://xkcd.com/605/
Extrapolating

xkcd
Show threadAaron2d ago
@aburka @lcamtuf Best if they are ads for underpants you wouldn't be caught dead in, marketed in such a way that your spouse, boss, and friends all end up wondering if it's suggestive of your actual tastes.
Show threadNot The Wookie3d ago

@lcamtuf
LOL.

“Virus Basket”. #NameOfMyNewBand

Show threadSu_G3d ago

@lcamtuf

Brilliant & brilliantly comic! 😃 Totally captures the downhill enshittification of the on-line shopping experience & the abusive relationship we as customers are exposed to & unwilling ‘participants’ in these days. 😐 (did u see what I did there: partici-pants tee hee 😂 )

Could be turned into a play, called… I dunno, ‘Modern Times’, or something…. For sure there are a lot of people who would be spinning in their graves if they knew about it…

Show threadbutterscotch3d ago
@lcamtuf Join the Underpants Club! Special discounts! Early access to sales! More underpants!!
Show threadWulfy3d ago

@lcamtuf

Where is the rest?

I want to see the whole thing.
Not just the trailer!

Show threadThe artist Chloe G3d ago
@lcamtuf your Evri delivery driver has delivered your order. Shows photo of completely random front door.
Show threadSimon Hobeck2d ago
@Chloeg @lcamtuf yes, but delivering things is hard. You have to carry an object and find a place, then knock on a door. Far easier to leave at a random local door and let the Great Link sort it out. Far more profitable.
Show threadSimpike2d ago
@Chloeg @lcamtuf I like getting the random photos. A chance to do some geoguessing with my stuff as bait
Show threadMarjorieR2d ago
@Chloeg @lcamtuf our latest delivery by Evri (it was actually an Amazon order from Lanzarote) took 5 delivery attempts by them to find our house.
And yes we had great difficulty identifying some of the houses they were sending us photos of.
And this despite us giving them very explicit directions as to how to find us and a phone number to ring if they couldn't.
Lots of houses on our road and our postcode, including ours, have names not numbers so google maps can't find us exactly but every other delivery company seems to find us OK.
Show threadsunflowerinrain3d ago
@lcamtuf
I have a growing list of replacement bits and pieces needed, but struggle to face the horror that is online shopping now. I used to love it, being mobility-impaired in a rural area. Not buying stuff has reduced expenditure, though, so that's good.
Show threadGary Northeast3d ago
@lcamtuf That's bang on!
Show threadReddog3d ago
@lcamtuf So fucking annoying.
Show threadTiggy2d ago

@lcamtuf

Painful read after x company told me that I wasn't home yesterday, when I was. So they took the box of live plants away and told me I could rebook a delivery using the waybill number on the card the driver left.
I'm sure you've guessed. No card.
Somewhere in a very overheated shed are the dying screams of my plants.

Show threadFull Metal Archaeopteryx2d ago

@lcamtuf

Don't forget the little card in the package that offers a gift card if you leave five stars on rainforest_robbers.com

Show threadTerryB2d ago
@lcamtuf You forget...."You recently bought underpants. Would you like to buy underpants".
Show threadJernej Simončič �2d ago
@TerryBTwo @lcamtuf And also "We saved this for you: underpants" (with a direct link to the shopping basket page)
Show threadJulien Avérous – 🇫🇷🇪🇺🇺🇦2d ago
@lcamtuf Google Ads: you just bought underpants, are you interested to buy X more underpants looking more or less the same ?
Show threadSerf de Web2d ago

@lcamtuf Don't forget:

-- We delivered your 6 pairs of underpants. (There are only 5)

-- If you have a problem with your order, try our AI chatbot.

-- Are you sure you made an order?
-- Are you sure you paid...etc...etc

Finally, "I am not authorized to process returns. Please call our 900 number and wait on hold for 6 hours."

ACTUALLY HAPPENED with Walmart.com

Show threadpeachfront2d ago

@serfdeweb @lcamtuf

i haven't had this problem with Walmart because if they don't have the authority to process a return, they just tell me to take it into the close by bricks n mortar store where they can do it pretty quickly

HOWEVER i've recently had this with another once-reputable outdoor supplier-- i won't name them here because i'm still fighting for my refund BUT will suggest never ordering from an outdoor biz that don't employ real humans

Show threadSerf de Web2d ago

@peachfront @lcamtuf

The foul-up of the AI was this wasn't a return. It was a missing item. You couldn't get that acknowledged, and without it, I imagine going to the store wouldn't help - again, not authorized.

Show threadTim Ward ⭐🇪🇺🔶 #FBPE2d ago
@lcamtuf Is M&S online ordering back up then?