lcamtuf   

*** Online shopping in 2010 ***

Me: Hello, UnderpantsEmporium.com? I’d like to buy underpants.

Underpants Emporium: Certainly, sir. Your underpants will arrive on Monday.

Me: Thanks.

*** Online shopping in 2025 ***

Me: Hello, UnderpantsEmporium.com? I’d like to buy underpants.

*ding* ShipPirate.biz: Your package is getting shipped!

Me: Wait, who are yo…

*phone vibrates* SMS from 21525: ORDER UPDATE: package is on the move.

*ding* UPS MyChoice: Your package is on the way.

*ding* Underpants Emporium: Your pants-ckage is en route from us to you.

Me: dudes…

*ding* Underpants Emporium: Be sure to review your underpants!

*ding* UPS MyChoice: Your package is out for delivery. Follow it on a live map.

*phone vibrates* SMS from 21525: ORDER UPDATE: package is out for delivery.

*phone vibrates* SMS from +252 3983929301: There was a problem with your shipment. Please claim your package at che4p-pi1lz.virus-basket.biz.ru.

*ding* Underpants Emporium: how’s that review coming along?

*phone vibrates* SMS from 21525: ORDER UPDATE: the eagle has landed.

*ding* Underpants Emporium: customers who bought underpants also bought

Jul 11, 2025 at 10:18pmWeb
Show threadavatastic  Jul 11, 2025
@lcamtuf that's oddly the same amount of guff I get ordering from AliExpress.
Show threadNoodlemazJul 12, 2025
@avatastic @lcamtuf best to avoid
Show threadFarah 🖖🏼🧶🏳️‍🌈Jul 11, 2025
@lcamtuf This is too accurate it hurts
Show thread🐈‍⬛David SommersethJul 11, 2025

@lcamtuf 1 week later ...

TrustPilot e-mail: Review your underpants experience now!

Show threadJoanna HolmanJul 11, 2025
@lcamtuf @blogdiva missed the step about them printing a shipping label
Show threadSu_GJul 12, 2025

@joannaholman @lcamtuf @blogdiva

Yes!! I relate to this: my printer (in the US) is guilty of it. Took us quite a while to work out it has no meaning in terms of getting something actually delivered. Still frustrating to be gaslit in this way. 😠

Show threadjustmichelleJul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf Now add the text from the neighbor telling me that I have a package by the gate.
Show threadAaronJul 12, 2025
@justmichelle @lcamtuf Their gate, not yours
Show threadjustmichelleJul 12, 2025
@hosford42 @lcamtuf It is the one gate by the road. They live right there. I live a bit down the drive. Thankfully not within sight line. Unfortunately within earshot.
Show threadQCATOPR Jul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf "Pants-ckage" was just *chef's kiss*
Show threadmarkJul 12, 2025

@lcamtuf now could you take a quick survey?

How about now?

Still no?

Show threadThorne LawlerJul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf @DamienWise Oh no. Did you just spend *actual money* using that thing? Fuck! That’s like blood in the water!
Put the phone down. Gently. Yes, like that.
Now RUN! RUUUUN!
Show threadaburka 🫣Jul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf All three of the other websites on the internet, in between every post: WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MORE UNDERPANTS???
Show threadP4Jul 12, 2025
@aburka @lcamtuf it's dumber when you buy something like a washing machine, and then every ad everywhere is washing machines in case you wanted to, I dunno, expand your collection?
Show threadaburka 🫣Jul 12, 2025
@p4 @lcamtuf the greatest minds in machine learning produced this algorithm https://xkcd.com/605/
Extrapolating

xkcd
Show threadAaronJul 12, 2025
@aburka @lcamtuf Best if they are ads for underpants you wouldn't be caught dead in, marketed in such a way that your spouse, boss, and friends all end up wondering if it's suggestive of your actual tastes.
Show threadNot The WookieJul 12, 2025

@lcamtuf
LOL.

“Virus Basket”. #NameOfMyNewBand

Show threadSu_GJul 12, 2025

@lcamtuf

Brilliant & brilliantly comic! 😃 Totally captures the downhill enshittification of the on-line shopping experience & the abusive relationship we as customers are exposed to & unwilling ‘participants’ in these days. 😐 (did u see what I did there: partici-pants tee hee 😂 )

Could be turned into a play, called… I dunno, ‘Modern Times’, or something…. For sure there are a lot of people who would be spinning in their graves if they knew about it…

Show threadbutterscotchJul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf Join the Underpants Club! Special discounts! Early access to sales! More underpants!!
Show threadWulfy—Speaker to the machinesJul 12, 2025

@lcamtuf

Where is the rest?

I want to see the whole thing.
Not just the trailer!

Show threadChloe G artistJul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf your Evri delivery driver has delivered your order. Shows photo of completely random front door.
Show threadSimon HobeckJul 12, 2025
@Chloeg @lcamtuf yes, but delivering things is hard. You have to carry an object and find a place, then knock on a door. Far easier to leave at a random local door and let the Great Link sort it out. Far more profitable.
Show threadSimpikeJul 12, 2025
@Chloeg @lcamtuf I like getting the random photos. A chance to do some geoguessing with my stuff as bait
Show threadMarjorieRJul 12, 2025
@Chloeg @lcamtuf our latest delivery by Evri (it was actually an Amazon order from Lanzarote) took 5 delivery attempts by them to find our house.
And yes we had great difficulty identifying some of the houses they were sending us photos of.
And this despite us giving them very explicit directions as to how to find us and a phone number to ring if they couldn't.
Lots of houses on our road and our postcode, including ours, have names not numbers so google maps can't find us exactly but every other delivery company seems to find us OK.
Show threadsunflowerinrainJul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf
I have a growing list of replacement bits and pieces needed, but struggle to face the horror that is online shopping now. I used to love it, being mobility-impaired in a rural area. Not buying stuff has reduced expenditure, though, so that's good.
Show threadGary NortheastJul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf That's bang on!
Show threadReddogJul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf So fucking annoying.
Show threadTiggyJul 12, 2025

@lcamtuf

Painful read after x company told me that I wasn't home yesterday, when I was. So they took the box of live plants away and told me I could rebook a delivery using the waybill number on the card the driver left.
I'm sure you've guessed. No card.
Somewhere in a very overheated shed are the dying screams of my plants.

Show threadTerryBJul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf You forget...."You recently bought underpants. Would you like to buy underpants".
Show threadJernej Simončič �Jul 12, 2025
@TerryBTwo @lcamtuf And also "We saved this for you: underpants" (with a direct link to the shopping basket page)
Show threadJulien Avérous – 🇫🇷🇪🇺🇺🇦Jul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf Google Ads: you just bought underpants, are you interested to buy X more underpants looking more or less the same ?
Show threadTim Ward ⭐🇪🇺🔶 #FBPEJul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf Is M&S online ordering back up then?
Show threadJamie McCarthyJul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf I don’t recall saying thanks.
Show threadNerbJul 12, 2025

@lcamtuf

There is a outfit called a similar name. "Pirateship.com" It's actually a decent place for small outfits to be able to compete with the big boys and not have to deal with Amazon and such.
But try to convince anyone else to use them. The name scares many off.

But what I use it for would not make good underpants. Pretty sure you would not want to sit down draped in electronic parts..

Show thread(((Klefstadmyr)))Jul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf *ding* UPS MyChoice: How would you rate the experience of packet delivery to your mailbox?
Show threadLukas HvGJul 12, 2025

@lcamtuf you forgot:

Someone just logged into your underpants emporium account.

Show threadPaul BarnfatherJul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf You missed one: “We delivered your package! Review your delivery experience! How did Ryan do? Was it a) Awesome!” etc 🫠
Show threadThomas HaeberlenJul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf Too true, unfortunately...
Show threadColin Cogle Jul 12, 2025

@lcamtuf Underpants Emporium: You now have 69 UnderPoints good for $0.69 off you next order of $420 or more. Points expire in the next seven seconds.

Underpants Emporium: in this newsletter, our CEO interviewed himself and the time he wished he had more affordable options for undergarments (click here to browse our clearance stock).

Underpants Emporium: follow us on birdsite for 3% off your next order.

Underpants Empirium: We are writing to inform you that we have been hacked. Someone has your credit card number, plaintext password, and knows you bought the sequined teddy bear boxers. Sorry.

Show threadZoé Cassiopée ✨Jul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf I might be personally responsible for 25% of those notifications... Sorry 😅
Show threadIsaacJul 12, 2025

@lcamtuf

Google News: You now get up to date news on underpants forever!

Show threadMylesRydenJul 12, 2025

@lcamtuf

Several Months later:

Google, I need some more underpants.

G: "Fantastic, here are 20 Amazon links and 10 Alibaba links"

No, from Underpants.com

G: "Gotcha! Here are 30 more Amazon links."

Underpants.com

G: Hmmmm, no record of that. More Amazon links

Type "Underpants.com"

"404 Error." Default Search -- More Amazon links.

Show threadwb.jethroJul 12, 2025
@lcamtuf And because Facebook probably had a tracker on underpants.com, now every reel, friend suggestion, and group you see on your Facebook page will be about underpants.
Show threadSP⟁CED GO⟁TJul 12, 2025

@lcamtuf

I'm angry now and my night is ruined.

Show threadirina 🐇🌷Jul 13, 2025
@lcamtuf the one way that it's improved is that in 2010 it wasn't "it'll be there on Monday", it was "please allow 3-6 business weeks for delivery. $24.99 delivery fee"
Show threadSebastian "spaetz" SpaethJul 13, 2025
@lcamtuf SO TRUE!!!
Show threadSimon ZerafaJul 13, 2025

@lcamtuf

Ding: UPS: Please review your delivery. So we can punish your overworked and underpaid driver for the slightest infraction of our arbitrary rules.

Show threadMajor Denis BloodnokJul 13, 2025
@lcamtuf And they wonder why I cycle to Marks and Spencers and say "here is some money, please give me these underpants"...
Show threadCKJul 18, 2025
@lcamtuf @jellycrystals I need to find that 1999-era documentary about a man who lived online for a week and barely survived, trying to get everything delivered