so, I’ve installed #badoo again. it’s like tinder, you know – swipe, match, chat, repeat. I do this once a year, maybe. I don’t even know why now. because I know it’s not a good idea. you can meet people there, yes, but not the kind of people I actually want to meet. and not in the way I want to meet them.
still, here I am, doing it again.
maybe it’s because I’ve been a bit #sick lately. a little cold, a little tired. it’s hard to be alone when you don’t feel great. when everything’s fine, being alone feels fine too. but when it’s not – that’s when it gets harder.
and maybe… maybe it’s not even about #loneliness. maybe I just needed to do something. something that feels like movement, but isn’t really. maybe installing the app is just a trick – to make myself believe I’m doing something about that small emptiness inside. like scratching an itch that doesn’t really go away. maybe it’s just my way to calm a few #emotions down without actually changing anything. because deep down I know an app won’t change anything. it never does.
this is not a ritual. it’s a moment of weakness.
but also a small experiment in self-control.
because I can watch myself from the outside and think: ok, that’s my brain observing my #emotions again.
for most of the year I’m fine alone. maybe not happy about it, but I know it’s best for me. my life isn’t typical. I’m not typical. it’s hard to share a life like mine – full of strange routines, weird habits, constant changes. even my kids, who love being here, probably wouldn’t want to live like me all the time. sleeping on a yoga mat, eating while standing, no table, no chairs. I know. not exactly family-friendly.
and still, sometimes, I just want someone to share a moment with. not to take care of me, not to fix anything. just to share something, to make the hard parts a bit easier. that’s probably what I’m really looking for when I swipe.
but even that thought feels strange to admit. like something slightly shameful. maybe because I think I should be above it. maybe because needing someone feels too human for the version of me that wants to stay in control.
the funny thing is, I don’t even believe in “second halves.” my brain keeps telling me it’s impossible, that it won’t happen. and my brain is usually right. but my #emotions… they don’t care. they just go.
and I have this complicated relationship with my #emotions. I don’t like them, because they lead me to wrong things – fast food, Netflix, wasting time. but they also bring me to good things – dance, for example. my brain knew I wanted to start dancing, but it was my emotions that pushed me through the door of my dance school for the first time. same with switching my blog to English. my brain planned it for months, but my emotions just said ok, now. they’re the starter, the accelerator, the reason I actually move.
my brain is the strategist. my #emotions are the doer.
and I guess I need both – even if one of them keeps installing #Badoo once a year.
in the end, maybe it’s not sadness. maybe it’s just physics.
and I’m just learning how to balance the forces.
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