Gut-Buster Gallagher And A Hooker Named Hurricane
Alright, folks, gather ’round the mic—it’s your ol’ pal Gut-Buster Gallagher here, fresh off another near-death experience on two wheels that somehow turned into the sloppiest, sweatiest lay of my life. Yeah, you heard me right. I’m talkin’ about that godforsaken motorcycle odyssey to Chicago last summer. Swear to Christ, if my hog could talk, it’d file for divorce and take half my skid marks with it.
Picture this: It’s hotter than Satan’s ball sweat out there in the Badlands, and I’m strapped to my ’79 Harley Fat Boy like a saddle-sore cowboy on a mechanical bull. I’ve got a backpack full of beef jerky, a thermos of Jack Daniels that’s sweatin’ more than I am, and a playlist of Lynyrd Skynyrd cranked so loud it’s rattlin’ my fillings loose.
Why Chicago? Hell, I don’t know—blame it on some deep-fried epiphany at a truck stop diner. The waitress with the tattooed tits and the voice like gravel said, “Gut-Buster, you need to see the Windy City. It’ll blow your mind… and maybe somethin’ else.” Next thing I know, I’m revvin’ up, thinkin’ I’m gonna roll into the Bean Town like Easy Rider meets The Blues Brothers, chasin’ skirts and deep-dish dreams.
Power & Betrayal-Outlaw Motorcycle Club Life By James Hollywood Macecari
First hundred miles? Smooth as a baby’s ass. Wind in my whiskers, bugs in my teeth—livin’ the dream. But then, bam! South Dakota starts throwin’ curveballs. A thunderstorm hits like God’s pissin’ lightning bolts, and I’m sloshin’ through puddles deeper than my regrets. My leathers are soaked, chafin’ my junk like it’s auditionin’ for a sandpaper commercial.
I pull over at this dive bar called “The Rusty Nail” or some shit—place looks like it lost a fight with a tornado. Inside, it’s a symphony of grizzled vets nursin’ beers and a jukebox wailin’ about lost love and lost livers.I order a whiskey neat—hell, make it dirty—and strike up a convo with this one-eyed biker named Toothless Tim. Guy’s missin’ more teeth than a jack-o’-lantern, but he’s got stories that’d make your grandma blush. Turns out, he’s headin’ to Chicago too, for some Hells Angels reunion where they swap STDs like trading cards.
“Gut-Buster,” he wheezes, spittin’ tobacco juice into his empty glass, “Chicago’s full of broads who’ll ride you harder than that hog of yours. But watch out for the Loop—it’s a concrete jungle, and the lions wear heels.” We laugh, clink glasses, and I crash on his couch that night, which smells like cat piss and regret. Woke up with a crick in my neck and a raccoon eyeballin’ my breakfast burrito. Day two: Back on the road, pushin’ through Iowa like a greased pig at the state fair.
Cornfields stretchin’ forever, flat as my ex-wife’s promises. My ass is numb, my balls are bouncin’ like they’re in a pinball machine, and I’m singin’ “Free Bird” off-key to keep from noddin’ off. Hit a pothole the size of Lake Michigan—nearly launches me into orbit. Land hard, skid a bit, and now my knee’s barkin’ louder than a junkyard dog. But quit? Nah, Gallagher men don’t quit; we just add it to the tab.By the time I hit Illinois, it’s dusk, and Chicago’s skyline’s glowin’ like a hooker’s promise—tall, shiny, and full of hidden fees.
I weave through traffic on the Dan Ryan, dodgin’ cabs like they’re auditionin’ for Mad Max. Horns blarin’, middle fingers flyin’, and I’m thinkin’, “This is it, baby—the big leagues.” Find a spot near Wrigleyville to park my beast, chain it up tighter than my grip on sanity. Stumble into this joint called “The Drunken Clam” or whatever—neon sign flickerin’ like it’s got epilepsy.
Dive bar vibes, but with hipsters sippin’ IPAs that taste like regret and grapefruit. That’s where she saunters in: Candy, or Cinnamon, or some stripper name that rhymes with “easy money.” Five-foot-nothin’ in six-inch stilettos, curves like a demolition derby wreck, and eyes that say, “I’ve seen worse than you, cowboy, but not by much.”
She’s nursin’ a cosmopolitan that’s mostly vodka and bad decisions, and when she spots my leathers—still damp from the road, reekin’ of diesel and desperation—she slides onto the stool next to me like she owns the joint. “Rough ride, sugar?” she purrs, her voice all smoke and sin. I grunt somethin’ about the weather bein’ a bitch, and next thing, we’re tradin’ shots and stories. Turns out, she’s a “working girl” from the South Side, slinging more than just smiles to pay for her pole-dancin’ classes.
Me? I spin yarns about my glory days dodgin’ cops in Reno and eatin’ roadkill chili in Tulsa. Laughter flows freer than the booze, and before I know it, her hand’s on my thigh, squeezin’ like she’s testin’ the merchandise.We bail outta there around midnight, her arm hooked in mine, gigglin’ like schoolkids as we dodge puddles and panhandlers.
My hog’s waitin’, but she waves it off—”Too noisy, big boy. Let’s walk.” Chicago nights are alive, man—jazz spillin’ from alley doors, hot dog vendors hawklin’ tubes of mystery meat, and the L train rumblin’ overhead like thunder’s indigestion. We end up at her spot, a walk-up in some brick tenement that smells like garlic and broken dreams.
Door barely shuts before clothes are flyin’—my chaps hit the floor with a wet slap, her dress pools like red wine on the carpet. She’s a whirlwind, folks: nails rakin’ my back like she’s clawin’ for gold, lips tastin’ like cherries and cheap gin. We tumble onto a bed that’s more springs than mattress, bouncin’ like we’re wrestlin’ an octopus.
Now, I ain’t braggin’, but let’s just say the road had me pent up tighter than a preacher’s fly at a nudist colony. She rides me like I’m the last train outta Dodge—cowgirl style, reverse, sideways, hell, we invented a position I call “The Windy City Whirlwind.” Sweat’s flyin’, headboard’s bangin’ louder than a jackhammer on Rush Street, and I’m hollerin’ her name—or whatever I think it is—while she whispers filth that’d make a sailor blush.
Peaks and valleys, gasps and grips, till we’re both spent, tangled in sheets that stick like flypaper. Lay there pantin’, starin’ at water stains on the ceiling shaped like my ex’s guilty conscience. She lights a smoke, offers me a drag, and says, “That was better than a Cubs pennant, honey.”
Mornin’ comes too soon—sun slicein’ through blinds like judgment day. I slip her a wad of crumpled twenties, more outta habit than necessity, and she winks, “Come back anytime, road warrior. Door’s always open… and so am I.” Stagger out to my Harley, muscles screamin’, grin wider than the Mississippi. Fire her up, roar through the Loop one last time, headin’ west with wind in my face and memories stickin’ like glitter on a stripper pole.Moral of the story?
Life’s a highway, full of detours and dead ends, but sometimes it drops you right in the lap of somethin’ wild. Chicago? Best damn mistake I never regretted. Now, who’s buyin’ the next round? ‘Cause Gut-Buster’s got more where that came from!
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INSANE THROTTLE
Absolute Memery 🎭
David Benson
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