A warm weekend in October just before family court

It feels tense around sensitive days like the upcoming hearing. As your mum limits interactions, there are so many things that need to be sorted out but it’s hard to resolve anything, however basic, like collecting your high chair or carseat.

The weather forecast said it would be a surprisingly warm weekend, basically like summer. I wanted to do something nice with you like a picnic but your mum refuses to meet in the centre so it will be tricky within our time.

The main person who’s worse off because of your mum’s hostilities is you. There’s no reasonable perspective to explain why she should be so difficult to cooperate on little plans for the day.

Our sunny day

I tried to make the best of the day and planned to get to Zizzi’s for lunch which gave us enough time to look at a few shops and explore for a bit.

One of the estates in the area was open to the public so we had the chance to check out the grounds. The pretty gardens and enclosed green was perfect for a running monkey like you!

You’re becoming more independent, some of our day involved you walking slowly with your little legs. It’s going to be lovely when you’re older and we can go on treks and adventures. I’m sure you’ll be leaving me behind!

The day was straightforward. There’s limited room for planning more exciting things and you’re often unwell in some way or another so calm days seem best.

Our moo-full afternoon

After lunch, as usual, I take you for a stroll in your buggy where you promptly fall asleep. I walk with the aim of having some background momentum so you sleep better but sometimes it’s tiring to be honest. Today’s heat and busyness wasn’t great for walking around but the most important thing is you slept well.

While you were snoozing, I had walked up to the edge of the centre until I saw a few cows next to the canal. It was unusual and not something I’m used to seeing back at home in the Big City! I waited nearby expecting you to be waking up around this time and in perfect sync you shuffled awake with a herd of beautiful brown cows in your view.

At this point I had to prepare for getting back. 40 minutes could easily become more if you need something along the way.

It’s starting to feel like we really only have lunch. It’s hard to make happy memories when most of our time together is in a restaurant or just walking to and from the station.

In the future, let’s go for lunch and make it really special. Sunday lunches have been our time since you were a baby. It was forced on us but let’s embrace it and make it the special daddy daughter time it should be.

Court on Thursday

My mind is a blank as it has been so often in the last year. It’s impossible to ignore but too painful and stressful to allow to surface. I don’t know what to think about Thursday. Your mum has done everything possible to stop us from having a relationship and take you from me.

Impossible choices

When your mum took you I had the impossible choice of refusing and the huge problems that would’ve caused short term, or do as I did and work through the court process knowing that your mum had already planned out that the move would become the status quo and a family court wouldn’t force her to move.

I did what I thought would cause you the least distress but sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for me to take the alternative option which would have kept us together for the years ahead. This is the dilemma I will always live with.

Back in River Town in a few days

I’ll be back in River Town for 9am on Thursday to be told why I can’t have you overnight. Why I can’t give you a kiss goodnight. I’ll be told why you can’t go on holiday with me. You’ll be 3 years old and still unaccustomed to being with me overnight if I let your mum’s plans go ahead. I may have no option.

The system doesn’t care about the bond between a dad and daughter.

#apart #dad #dadLife #daddyDaughterTime #daughter #dayOut #family #familyCourt #fatherSRights #fatherhood #heartbreak #parentalAlienation #parenting #sunnyDay #timeTogether #toddler #toddlerLife #withMyGirl

Jumping bean, a day in our neighbourhood

We played lots today. Being at home and in the neighbourhood is so simple but also my favourite.

I’ve been thinking about our time together all week. For lunch, I thought I’d give the Asian style tofu a go again, as you liked it last time when Olivia made us lunch.

Your mum dropped you off which, I was really happy about because we’d have as much of the 11-4 as possible. She was with a woman, I don’t know who and how well you know her. To avoid issues I don’t ask, I’m not able to even ask who you’re spending time with.

Together at home

You make your way inside with increasing familiarity, there are a still a few parts that you don’t remember like navigating inside the building, but once inside your home I’m pleased you know your way around and immediately roam like you’re the boss. This usually means exploring the balcony, an obsession equal during winter or summer! I make sure to wipe down the balcony so you can explore freely and not get too mucky from the dust and spiderwebs!

Once settled, I wanted to get a few bits from my bedroom so you followed me in and ran around to the curtains to play and hide. Your joyful face while you hide and I overreact to you revealing yourself is exactly what I thought being a dad would be like. Olivia joined in and we entertained your game, or perhaps you were entertaining our reactions.

We jumped about in bed including me helping you do a rolypoly. I remember when you were too delicate to hold leaning over and now you’re the one jumping wildly!

A local afternoon

After your nap we went to the coffee shop nearby, for a snack and babyccino. These little things are the weekend’s dream. Having fun in the warm weather and making the most of the local amenities.

Still with lots of energy I thought it would be best to go into the courtyard where the shade kept us safely away from the sun and minimal time would be lost travelling around.

Our last games of the day

A delivery box about your size became the last game of our day. It’s true what they say about fancy toys. Sometimes kids are more interested in the box than the toy.

Ahead of your mum collecting you, I went through the routine of ensuring you had a fresh nappy for the journey home, a good sip of water and was full of kisses.

Listen through the podcast

https://open.spotify.com/episode/1BMtOdxWb3g4Xzl1BaG9pA?si=q2ro2ZQ2RW-dCC0gnPz0pg

#dad #dadLife #dadTime #daughter #family #familyCourt #father #fatherSRights #fatherhood #missYou #parenting #preciousMoments #timeTogether #timeWithDaddy #withYou

Making memories, daddy-daughter lunch and time together

I was back in River Town today. After the difficulties of reaching you 2 weeks ago, because of the rail strikes, I looked for various backups but ultimately I just had to be lucky that the drivers would turn up this morning.

At 7:45am I got up and checked travel planner, all they could advise is that services may be disrupted because of the strikes. I got ready, excited to see you, but with the horrible feeling that if the journey wasn’t possible, I’d have to box up the disappointment.

This time last year

It’s astonishing how much can change in a year. I hadn’t realised that your mum was executing her plan to get me out of your life and minimise my role as your father.

Today in River Town

I arrived after 2 trains and a rail replacement bus. I was hot and tired but of course got energy from giving you a kiss. You greeted me with ‘daddy’ and have become much more chatty. I love hearing your voice.

We walked to the centre and played in the park while the time passed and we could go to our daddy daughter lunch date. Lots of families enjoy going to Nando’s and I wanted a fun atmosphere which the staff provided – some of the chain restaurants may not be the most classy but they tend to cater for little ones very well and having arrived just before the lunch rush, the staff were attentive.

After lunch the weather was confusing and you seemed a bit restless so I wanted to get out and about and give you the chance to sleep in your buggy. I walked towards the canal and zig zagged across the adjacent parks. We went past happy families enjoying their day. It was exhausting to go from chilly to hot weather and the pain seeing your attention on kids with their families.

My favourite part today was when you had woken up and we played on the grass with you sitting on me occasionally, snuggling your head on my chest. I dream of when we will nap together, where you will be secure and loved.

Upcoming father’s day

Our second father’s day is coming up. I don’t feel like a real father to be honest. I take my responsibility for you extremely seriously but up till now I feel like an annoyance, just bothering your routine, when you’d rather be at home with your toys.

I hope we’ll share lovely father’s days in the future. Maybe just lunch at a Sunnyland restaurant or the pub with mates.

I’m always thinking about you sweetheart.

Listen through the podcast

https://open.spotify.com/episode/42u3Wai6gQCQQOZNTfjCeK?si=HLnSSmkGTPyd2RLM6anneQ

#changes #coparenting #daddyDaughterDate #daddyTime #daughter #dayOut #dayTogether #family #familyBonding #father #FatherSDay #myGirl #railStrikes #timeTogether #toddler

Our day together thwarted and stress of upcoming family court

The weather is lovely and I was excited to spend our first proper outside day together this year. There is buzz around, people are wearing their summer clothes and busy making their way to see loved ones.

I thought I was lucky that the train strikes had been called off, the route went from rail replacements and alternatives to the most straightforwa rd normal route. This morning, with a little dread, I saw the trains could be disrupted but I expected this would mean, at worst, I would take the 2 hour rail replacement route.

I’ve come to terms that to see you it can include over 4 hours of the day travelling, barely less than the time I actually get to see you. ‘Quality time’, it is not.

Sadly, in the end the direct route wasn’t running and the rail replacement route’s trains were cancelled due to lack of staff.

I went across stations dragging the buggy and bag with your items, trying to find a route. As time went on the cancellations continued, defeated, I decided to head back home.

It’s still the morning but I feel exhausted. I can’t make sense how this is going to work for the future. It’s like all the forces are against me when all I want is to be a meaningful part of your life and kiss your lovely little head.

A double slap in my face

The reason I was travelling to see you on a Saturday instead of a Sunday was because a while back I had agreed to your mum’s request to swap days to accommodate Mother’s Day. I then realised that strikes would make it difficult because rail replacements aren’t organised during strikes, so I asked your mum to swap back otherwise it would be a very difficult journey for me.

With no remorse she refused, instead insisting that I should’ve known. I’m stupid for expecting else from her.

A lot of the strikes are called off last minute but I didn’t expect that services would still be a mess, as some staff didn’t go to work and trains would be cancelled anyway. Unlike with rail works, when there are cancellations, there are no rail replacements either.

The stress of court

Court is this Friday and your mum has continued to wear down opportunities for us to connect.

She planned the outcome she wanted, she’s keeping us apart and making it as difficult as possible for us to have a relationship.

I won’t give up because although I feel like the unluckiest person in the world right now, at the same time I feel the luckiest because you exist. I think about your infinite beauty, tenderness and I’m intrigued about everything about you.

Listen through the podcast

https://open.spotify.com/episode/1wH83ftot7qOWUfcOCoxrw?si=ctonJ-faSJ-laPEhlRDamg

#cancelledTrain #dad #dadLife #daddyDaughterRelationship #daughter #familyCourt #fatherSRights #fatherhood #heartbreak #missingFamilyTime #missingYou #myGirl #parentalLove #parenting #parentingDifficulties #qualityTime #railReplacement #relationships #timeTogether #travelDisruption

Stress between Cafcass interviews

I’m writing this in a moment between Cafcass meetings. I spoke with the case officer on Monday, and your mum will speak to her next week.

I’ve struggled to keep a record here for you as so many moments are sad and hopeless. I have lots of notes in drafts, waiting to be revised before I save, but the pain of recalling those moments has been too difficult and I avoid going back to them to avoid provoking more sadness. Ultimately, I want to keep a record for you, so I’ll work it out.

This relentless situation means I’ve got to make the most of what we have.

Your mom continues to fight against me, against us being a family where I have equal responsibility, time and care for you. She doesn’t want me involved and I’ve been fighting just to be able to see you more than once a week. It hurts me so much that we barely have 5 hours together on a Sunday and many of those are cancelled anyway.

Staying in your memories

I’m terrified you don’t know who I am right now. What if you don’t see that I’m your loving dad who will always love and care for you.

I got a bit of hope because you can understand and remember little things. Like on the weekend, when you knew where to get your plates and bib for lunch. It was a lovely surprise to get your help but most importantly for you to have remembered something about our time together.

Missing so much

Even with some positive signs, I live devastated that I can’t give you a bath at night or kiss in the morning.

More hostilities to come

Next week your mum will spew more hateful deceitful lies with the only one aim, to keep us apart.

I think about you every moment, even though it hurts.

Listen through the podcast

#Cafcass #courtCase #dad #dadLife #dadTime #daddyDaughter #family #familyCourt #fatherTime #fatherSRights #fatherhood #heartbreak #makingMemories #parentalAlienation #parenting #preparingForCourt #timeTogether

Back together and pizza party with Cleo!

It’s been a super fun day. After 5 long weeks since I last saw you, we finally had a bit of time together.

Ahead of today I asked friends including Aaron, Julie and your friend Cleo, if they could visit.

Julie is 8 months pregnant and having a little boy. They have Sebastian and Noah on the shortlist of names. Let’s see which one they go for.

Aaron suggested for you and Cleo to make pizzas together and brought all the ingredients for us to make lunch together. It was such a thoughtful idea. He’s a very special friend to us.

I also made us savoury muffins with egg and veg so you could have your protein.

Pizza time!

We had 4 bases which I considered as 2 for the little ones and the rest for the adults. We added peppers, spring onion, cheese, lots of cheese… the base was Julie’s special butternut squash recipe.

Fashionista

Our friend Jane from work had lent us some special little trainers for you to try on. They are special products from Japan and you got a chance to try these samples out like the fashion model that you are.

You stamped around with the larger pair. It was very cute. You were full of smiles all day.

Lost time

Our time was very compressed. I had asked your mum about travelling to Purple Lane (rather than City Square) which would save at least 45 minutes – time for us together and less time for you waiting around on the trains. She refused. Out of 5 hours, she chooses to take time away from us. As she does in River Town with the horrid cold walk to the city centre.

Sebastian or Noah?

At some point in the next few months, we’ll visit Julie and Aaron to celebrate their latest family member.

Their arrival will be the start of a new chapter in their lives. A sibling in a growing family.

In a couple of months we’ll still be going through court.

Listen through the podcast

https://open.spotify.com/episode/3Fs5gYgvAfl9WLOUNJQv7g?si=pxaZ6KntRCqNpEKJ2NP-fA

#babyNames #courtProcess #dad #dadLove #daddy #daughter #familyCourt #familyLife #homeCooking #missingYou #parenting #pizzaParty #pregnant #timeAtHome #timeTogether #timeWithFriends #toddlerRecipes #toddlers