Mx. Luna Corbden 🐸Dec 28, 2023
I'm feeling too sick today to even watch shows or play idle games, and when that happens, I end up on Mastodon too much, which isn't helpful. #DarkSojourn #Recovery2023
Show threadMx. Luna Corbden 🐸Dec 27, 2023

Filter is also on the fritz these days.

Filter. The ability to test all combinations of how what I'm saying might be taken to avoid unintentional insult.

Probably some more but that took all my spoons and now I'm really in for it.

For most of these, I can usually compensate by overworking one or more of the other functions to make up for it. Probably what's happening now it's that they're most all of them depleted and this coping strategy isn't enough. I'm probably still knee deep in #burnout, which sucks because it's time to get going again.

#AUTDHD #autism #ADHD #DarkSojourn #Recovery2023

Mx. Luna Corbden 🐸Dec 27, 2023

I was supposed to be all fired up and recharged today from my "vacation," but with social events and surprise scheduling phone calls, Christmas was less of a vacation than I get in any given weekend.

So I guess I'm taking another day "off" in terms of pay, but still not resting because people still need stuff from me.

Not nearly as bad as October, but the burnout from the rest of the year hasn't had time to heal.

I feel less "tired" (for most values of tired), but my brain is missing a few pieces necessary for executive function and feeling sane. Willpower, or the will to do that which I do not wish to do, is also at an all time low and has not been restored after all these weeks. My typically unshakable ability to string long thoughts together into words in microblog format has also been malfunctioning for some weeks, and now my filters are suffering, too.

#Recovery2023 #DarkSojourn

Mx. Luna Corbden 🐸Dec 11, 2023

I FINALLY don't want to die.

#DarkSojourn #Recovery2023

Show threadMx. Luna Corbden 🐸Nov 28, 2023

I’m doing really well on my goal of dancing every night. I don’t always do it, and sometimes I dance in the day instead. It feels good enough that I tend to look forward to it. It’s been especially fun since I got my cat to join on pretenses of playing with the streamer. That’s mostly fun but then she puts a crimp in my style when she grabs the ribbon and won’t let go.

My goal is simple: Hit shuffle on my dance playlist of curated tracks that make me want to move. Then dance until I don’t feel like it anymore. At first that was one song. Tonight I danced four and a half.

Many benefits: Funness, exercise, gets my blood flowing during the stale part of the night. And now, bonding with my cat (who lately has been suffering unbearable jealousy that we’re letting the outside cats in from the cold.) I underestimated the effects of euphoria, and while it still isn’t the same as dancing at a rave or club, I can sometimes trick myself into believing I’m there.

#DarkSojourn #Recovery2023

Mx. Luna Corbden 🐸Nov 21, 2023

Yay I was able to read a whole huge long Atlantic article!

#PTSD #Recovery2023 #DarkSojourn

Show threadMx. Luna Corbden 🐸Nov 17, 2023

One realllllly interesting point: As sleep deprived and anxious as I've been for two weeks, some of my usual symptoms have been noticeably absent. Only mild IBS without much pain, no myalgia at all, and fatigue? Not the outright active fatigue I usually associate with MECFS. Like, tired yes. Beyond tired, certainly. But more like "I desperately need more sleep" kind of tired, not "My muscles feel weak and I'm pushing my body against a wall to walk" kind of tired.

And now today, when I woke up from the best night's sleep I've gotten in 10 days, oddly... these symptoms are back at medium levels.

No idea what it means. Just a datapoint.

Oh one last thing I almost forgot: I worked a "full" week this week! My 10-hour (9.75) weekly goal of billed hours. Work is super important to me and it hurts so much when I can't meet my expectations.

2/2

#DarkSojourn #Recovery2023 #ChronicIllness #MECFS

Mx. Luna Corbden 🐸Nov 17, 2023

Personal update:

So week before last, I was in post-burnout crisis and my son helped take over care for my mom and I have been off the hook for two weeks now. Last week, instead of getting good rest, I was in no-sleep hell, uncontrollably anxious. I focused all my efforts on figuring out how to be calm, and it was a lot of effort. Lots of meditating and breathing and supplements and other measures when it seemed like it wasn't working.

I've now had several days of decent sleep. Not perfect, but getting enough rest each night (according to my Garmin body battery score) to get me through the next day. I'm finally feeling like I've got spaciousness to work thru my backlog of personal to-do's, slowly, paced, measured, not pushing myself to exhaustion every day. This is wonderful. We've got aging care services lined up to help 18hrs a month, so unless mom's health takes a further nosedive, we're set for a bit.

1/

#DarkSojourn #Recovery2023 #ChronicIllness #MECFS #IBS

Mx. Luna Corbden 🐸Oct 26, 2023
I was honestly doing more to work towards my dreams during the deepest PTSDest times of my #DarkSojourn than I’ve done this year. #Recovery2023
Show threadMx. Luna Corbden 🐸Oct 11, 2023

(I’d been anxious all day and my body battery was super low. Need to have energy so I don’t get sick again after or during the gauntlet this week. Did everything I knew to relax. Day meditation. Kava tea. Propranolol. Breathing. Muscle scans. Laid down to sleep early at 9pm. Guided sleep hypnosis with a focus on resolving anxiety. Nice and relaxed.

I then proceeded to wake up every 5-15 minutes from minor sensory annoyances all the way up till 2am. Got up several times to take melatonin (2x, 5mg) and snack. Am over it. Self-care is a joke. Yes, I have a bad attitude. It’s easier this way.)

Fuck #Recovery2023