In September I had a horrible flare that resulted in me not being able to publish an article for an entire month.
I was miserable.
I felt like a complete failure.
I thought about quitting.
I swore I would never go that long without writing again.
Writing is what sparks my joy. Provides me community and connection. Gets me through the painful dark times.
It’s now been six weeks since my last article.
I’ve broken my promise to myself and I’m so angry.
I’m angry at my body for being unwilling to cooperate.
I’m angry at my brain for not being able to play through the physical pain.
I’m angry at the healthcare system for abandoning me and patients like me.
I’m angry at corporate greed and end state capitalism for not guaranteeing vulnerable people have basic needs like housing taken care of.
The anger is not healthy. It’s eating away at me.
My housing situation is almost stabilized and then I hope I’m back writing the way I did before.
I’m out of the hospital and will have an update on that shortly.
For now I just want to say I’m sorry to everyone who’s waiting patiently for articles that still haven’t materialized.
I’m sorry to everyone else who’s been abandoned or let down by their body and the system.
I’m sorry things are so hard.
We will get through this together and better days will come eventually.
I really do believe that and I hope you can believe it too.
#chronicillness #ableism #disability #trauma #writing