I know I've whined about this on here before, but ... I was on track to be somebody. I was a small-time somebody there for a minute. I was on panels at cons, being invited to other cons, speaking in front of crowds, invited to podcasts, invited to write for anthologies, people in certain small niches fanned over me and wanted my autograph, I was meeting the movers and shakers.

But then I left my abuser and got sick. I continued to do all that and keep on climbing while sick. Until I couldn't anymore. (I think of what I was able to do during those years to maintain and even increase momentum, and it astonishes me. I am still so angry at my mom, who was the final nail in my coffin.)

It's been a few years since I could, and they say publish or perish. I hath perished and have been forgotten at best, and made many poor impressions at worst.

This isn't it quite the same scene, but it tells me that maybe I can still be impressive. Maybe my laurels can just be dusted off and rehung the moment I am ready.

I still run out of energy so quickly. I do still worry about not being able to fulfill expectations. And I'm currently unemployed, which isn't much of an ego boost. It seems like such a waste of all the skills and reputation I fostered over years of struggle. I am *very* confident in my skills when I can show up. I just can't show up without my functionality quickly draining.

But maybe if I pace myself well, maybe my health can continue to improve, and maybe I can hit the scene again, not running, but at least walking.

I doubt if I'll ever be able to travel again, though. 😔

#Journal #Recovery2026 #DarkSojourn

Not being able to maintain a reading habit for a decade has been a huge blow to my sense of self. I made terms with it, but not satisfying terms. I still kept pushing and trying. Sometimes I'd finish a book but only through struggle, something I had to try, unsuccessfully, through intermittent brain fog or lack of desire.

All this week when watching YouTube, I've had this nagging sense I'd rather be doing something else, and it would take me hours to realize it was READING. I'd rather be reading.

It feels like a healing moment.

I'm still going to keep my expectations low. I'm sure I'll struggle again. But I've proven it's possible. This is my old self.

I'm back.

#DarkSojourn #Recovery2026

This whole thing is still ongoing but I think I can safely say I'm out of the woods. It took several trips to the chiropractor,. My hip was seriously jacked.

Thinking back, two weeks before the injury, I *did* move two bags of 80lbs concrete by myself, and tried to move a third. When I am not used to lifting. This injury began with a large number of compound moments and I regret every single one of them, but the one that did it was probably this. And in fact, after moving that concrete, I probably installed a time bomb that was going to go off no matter what.

I think my days of powering through whatever it takes using raw gumption and leverage need to be far behind me. I have been forced to learn to ask for help, and it's best if I do that while I can still walk rather than after.

On top of the injury, I caught a cold on my second trip to the chiro. The first cold I've had in years. I admittedly didn't mask, because the first time I went, hardly anyone was there, and because my social anxiety on top of severe pain and difficulty walking, I just needed one less stressor. Lesson learned, because this whole ordeal has been managing multiple health problems that are fighting one another. (Coughing with a spasming hip is NOT recommended!)

I still have to be careful with the hip but I can walk sometimes without the stick and I have gotten back most of my range of motion. Getting up in the night to the bathroom is relatively easy once again.

I haven't spasmed since my second-to-last chiro appointment. The cold is showing signs of clearing. I still struggle to get things off the floor, but can do just about everything else.

It has been a terrible ordeal. Thought I was gonna die, wanted to die, fever dream, etc. If I hadn't had help with basic functionality, I could easily have died in a heap on the floor. Especially living off grid in a tiny space, recovery would have taken much longer without some help. And I would not have recovered without the chiropractor. My bones were not going back into the right place by themselves. I should have gone in the first week.

Emotionally, I have learned some lessons, so it hasn't been a complete waste.

That said, I sure am tired of being sick for this reason or that. Fully ready to break free of the Dark Sojourn and live again.

#Recovery2026 #DarkSojourn #journal

One problem I've had to balance lately (it's a problem I love to have) is that when I'm feeling up, I have to manage actual side effects.

When I have a good day, I tend to have insomnia. I can also tend to overextend. And I'm not sure what to do with this buzz. I get pretty fidgety and then wear myself out fast.

I expect I'll level off as this becomes more common.

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

I'm kind of looking forward to going across the street to my family's this thanksgiving.

While pol can still be a little tense, this side of my family has done some changing, especially religiously, and we've thusfar learned to navigate pol discussions reasonably and with listening and empathy. We just haven't had enough of them yet to be exactly on the same page.

I'm actually starting to like this side of my family, and I think they like me now somewhat too. We have united on hating my mother. I have wanted to see more of them and the slog has kept me from it. I'm socially very isolated and would love to see people.

On the other hand...

Today's a really big day for me. After a steady slog and related series of burnouts for idk how long to count it (x years?), I finally think I've done enough to be settled here in a safe place at last, ready as I'll ever be for a hard winter, and am finally letting myself of the hook of pressure and keeping pace.

I just... don't want to go anywhere today.

This day specifically.

I just want one day to fuck off and do nothing.

But time is a rigid resource, and the grid of a calendar is bars on my prison.

Time to put my pants!!

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

I finally have a little excess energy to spend on fun work outside.

YES, the insulation needs to be (re)done, and YES that will be miserable to do once it freezes, and YES, there's laundry to do, etc. The backlog is still there, but it's finally getting smaller and manageable.

What's left to be done that isn't fun can wait.

Meanwhile, instead of a rest day plus two high pressure days spent on tasks I'm behind on that HAVE to be done, instead I sat around each day playing iPad until I felt antsy, then went out and did lower priority heavy labor stuff I WANTED to do.

I got some things finished, large and small, and it feels great to finally have autonomy and to do physical work on low-risk tasks that are fun and possible to complete.

My needs are simple. This is what I've wanted for so, so long, but caretaking a toxic person who quells any fun she sniffs out (including fun work) made even those simple needs impossible to fulfill. I've been away from her almost a year now, but the rest of the year was digging myself out of severe backlog and moving to a new state and new tougher lifestyle. Enough pressure to create another burnout this year and remain sick. I start to think I'm deluding myself and it's always going to be more of the same.

I can't say I'm fully ready for winter, but I'm better off than I was last winter (well ok I had insulation then, and I'm told it was an easy winter so we'll see), and I have some choice over how I spend my energy now. That feels really good.

We'll find out if not taking a full rest day this weekend will bite me when the week starts tomorrow. But right now I'm feeling physically exhausted and emotionally / mentally restored.

#Recovery2025
#DarkSojourn