🅰🅻🅸🅲🅴 (🌈🦄)Car just drove by and one of the guys in it made the 🐈👅 gesture out the window at me.
Not sure if it was an observation based on my aesthetic, or the threat of a 🐰good time🐰, but either way...guys, this is why y'all're still single.
Richard @RBPhotographic@alice I never realised how bad it was for women until my wife had me follow her at a discreet distance while she was jogging on her own. I learnt why she only went jogging with me and that many men should not be allowed out into the world with supervision.
B@rbphotographic @alice Same for my wife and I. There are certain gas stations she avoids because of where they are and the type of men who frequent them. We also always go food shopping together or I go by myself because she ALWAYS has something happen.
Irene Zhang@blainsmith @rbphotographic @alice I stopped grocery shopping. I hated it. I figure skate for exercise because it’s mostly women and gay men at the rink. I spend so much time with (mostly well behaved but oblivious) men at work that I mostly go to women-centered spaces now, especially if it’s on my own.
Colman Reilly@Colman @irene @rbphotographic @alice My wife has told me she's experienced:
- Long uncomfortable stares
- Whistling
- Being followed around the store
- Random comments under their breadth
All of which were different men every time and she knows to just call me and I will answer to just be on the phone.
@blainsmith @Colman @rbphotographic @alice when I was pretty young (15 or 16), my mom would send me to the store. Once a man blocked me between his car and mine and tried to get me to go home and have sex with him for money in the grocery store parking lot. Catcalls were common when I was younger and lived in the Midwest or Boston. In Seattle, I had someone ask me out in the pasta aisle. If it’s hot and I wear a dress people will make creepy (but probably what they think are complimentary) comments. My 60-ish year old neighbor made a point of interrupting me and commenting when I was washing my car on my driveway in a tennis dress.
@irene @blainsmith @rbphotographic @alice and here I am trying to figure out non-creepy ways of complimenting my younger but adult ballerina colleagues on their dancing.
@Colman "you are impressively talented", "you are an amazing dancer", "I'm humbled to share a stage with someone who puts in so much effort".
Say it lightly, around other people, and then continue whatever else you were doing and let them decide whether or how to take your compliment. If they chase you up to say thanks, then you did good. If they don't, then you said something kind and that's all there is to it.
I hear a lot of guys saying things like "I don't know how to compliment a woman", and my best answer is that you do it without expecting anything in return. Most people can tell when a compliment is genuine and when it's manipulative.
@alice @Colman @blainsmith @rbphotographic Rule of thumb: comment on things that are changeable and they worked on, like your extension is great or you are looking solid on those turns. Absolutely do not comment on things they cannot control, like you look beautiful or you have lovely legs. For example, sometimes people say to me: you have beautiful hair and it’s weird because like it’s just my hair? What am I suppose to respond, thanks I grew it myself? I also make it a rule not to comment on people’s appearance at work.
Zimmie@irene @alice @Colman @blainsmith @rbphotographic Which also relates to a word choice I’ve been trying to be more aware of: talent versus skill. Talent is often considered innate (like “gifted”), while skill is always considered developed.
Ellie 🏴🏳️⚧️@irene I would have figured that hair falls into the category of things you can (somewhat) control. Like haircut and color is usually a choice and having good looking, healthy hair can take a good bit of time and effort, varying depending on genetics.
BewilderedKat 
@31113 @irene It may depend on the context. Compliment something that someone has clearly put effort into.
If I haven't really done much with my hair except leave it be for a few days, or if I feel it's having a scraggly day, it feels weird to get a compliment on it. But if I've put effort into it, then sure! I'll probably joke about how I put water in it, but that's more because I'm not always practiced with receiving compliments.
But things like a well out together outfit, coordinated nail color, etc make for appearance themed compliments that land much better than just body parts.
@h3mmy @31113 agreed. I really don’t do anything with my hair but I have had a terrible time finding people that know how to cut and style it because it is stiff and very straight. Only after I moved to Seattle and found a Japanese hair stylist was I able to get a decent hair cut. So my hair has always felt like a struggle. Of course it’s nothing compared to what black women go through. So you might think hair is kind of neutral but our shitty system has politicized it, like basically everything else about women’s bodies. https://legaldefensefund.substack.com/p/black-people-face-hair-discrimination
@irene That sadly makes sense. I didn't end up going into academia, but I am in a field that is skewed. My employer does better with representation than most, but there is implicit bias everywhere.
Are you at least able to do what you want with your hair now?
@h3mmy yes! Right now it is violently pink. That’s my whole mood. Violently pink
This brings joy! 
Natasha Ekara@irene
💯
I have a couple of friends with stiff straight hair, and it was surprising to me how much difficulty they had finding a good stylist.
One ended up just doing it themselves since they prefer short styles.
I'm used to the fact that it's difficult to find a good hair person for my ethnic hair, and have been lucky to have a steady stylist for a few years in a row now.
Negative12DollarBill@alice @Colman @irene @blainsmith @rbphotographic
As an older guy who works with a lot of younger women, if I ever give them a compliment it is a completely neutral phrase like "you look amazing". No implication of attraction involved. "You look great" seems safe. What do you think?
@negative12dollarbill @alice @irene @blainsmith @rbphotographic I also have the disability of being brought up in London and Ireland in the 70s so compliments are a foreign language to start with.
Also, keep in mind that they are scantily dressed so I'm definitely safest not noticing anything about their appearance!
@Colman @negative12dollarbill @alice @blainsmith @rbphotographic ya know, not every thought has to be voiced. You can think to yourself that outfit looks great on you and not say it to a woman. It’s totally fine if you go through life without ever complimenting a woman on how they look. We really won’t mind
@irene @Colman @negative12dollarbill @alice @rbphotographic Exactly. Unfortunately, its just years and years of old customs passed on to kids over time until some break the cycle. Hopefully, my son is learning by seeing how I treat/act around women so he grows up a better man than I am. My dad did his best for me during the generation I grew up in and I can only keep that going and pass it on while also adding my own views.
@negative12dollarbill @alice @Colman @blainsmith @rbphotographic it’s better to compliment them on their work. Women are so use to being objectified and only there to be looked at that they sometimes want to not be looked at and judged on their appearance. I’m not speaking for all women but for me at least, I don’t think of how I look at work at all. It can be jarring to be reminded of it when I’m at work, I think of myself as a sort of formless blob talking about operating systems. You might think it’s a compliment but it might be difficult for the women to have to stop their work and think about how to respond. I might recommend you read this blog post that I wrote for more insights. https://irenezhang.com/blog/2024/07/24/misogyny.html
@irene @negative12dollarbill @alice @Colman @rbphotographic When my daughter first started getting into dressing herself with outfits of her design I never replied with "you look so pretty/cute/etc". I always phased it as "you're outfit choice today is so creative" and then followed up with asking how she ended up choosing it. This way it still support her in a way she wanted to be support, but never about her looks and always about her choices of creativity she wanted to share with me.
@blainsmith @negative12dollarbill @alice @Colman @rbphotographic Awesome yes! I almost never have an issue with women complimenting me because it’s almost always about a specific item of clothing that I’m wearing. Then because I’m Asian and Midwestern, I have to tell them what a good deal that I got on it. 😂
@irene this! I get a lot of compliments from women about my earrings, my style, my (dyed) hair, etc. Men more often compliment my looks, my "fit" (which is actually a term I don't mind if it's not said hungrily), etc.
GinevraCat@blainsmith @ShaulaEvans I love this.
Numerfolt