Reminder to myself that if I have a friend or family member who treats me differently when I don’t meet their very exacting standards, they’re not healthy for me, and trying to meet their standards isn’t, either.
I must meet my own standards and adhere to my own ethics, and do what is within my own capacity as faithfully and consistently as I can.
You might need this reminder, too.
@adhdeanasl
I live by that. I was property of the state so I don't have family, but I never let anyone tell me how to be me.
Not being raised allowed me to come up objective, neutral and open minded instead of biased, emotional and entitled.
When people claim to like or love me with conditions, they stop existing to me.
I don't need validation or acceptance. I need things to make sense to me. I value my peace and personal space more than fair weather friends and family.
@adhdeanasl My sister and I have similar childhood damage from the parents we share. At adulthood we diverged. I failed their "standards" bad enough to get thrown out at 19 and have my access to insulin cut off. She ran off to the Army, married a very bad man, and gave our parents grandkids.
Fast forward 30 years, we're sitting in a hotel lounge in Glasgow, and she tells me she's jealous of my clean, early break.
Fuck no. Some people really aren't worth your time, and can never love you back.
I perfectly get where you are coming from.
I would like to add though that this is not black/white situation. Rather it is a grey scale and somewhere there you have to draw the line.
Breaking up a friendship because they criticized you for making an inappropriate joke.
Such strict rejection is also not healthy for us for two reasons:
A) we start isolating easily
B) Society is our collective relationships if polarize, society polarizes too
Like so many things the true nature of such matters does not fit into a single toot, post or let alone TikTok short clip.
But I have lately noticed a rising trend of people breaking up relationships the moment they become a bit inconvenient, irritating or annoying.
I think this is several steps too far. Especially because it also means we will never learn to handle relationships fully, only when everything is easy and fine.
But life isn't always easy and fine.
Now I am also not saying tolerate bad behaviour.
Of course if someone is not respecting you, manipulating you, you have every right to leave them behind. But again this is one end of the scale the slight inconvenience is the other end.
I would appreciate it if people tried to learn that we can't have the same expectations and embrace that as a lesson of acceptance instead of rejecting the relationship.
If we all learn that, it would be a big step towards equity and inclusion.
@adhdeanasl As far as I am concerned one of the most damaging sayings in my home culture is "blood runs thicker than water".
That is that family bonds are stronger than the bonds you make with the friends you choose to spend time with.
Well they are not.
If you have a friend who causes you harm consistently then you end the relationship.
If one of your family members causes you harm consistently then you end the relationship.
@the_wub @adhdeanasl Fun fact about that often misused phrase is that it's an abbreviation that completely changes the original meaning.
The real saying is "The blood /of the covenant/ runs thicker than water /of the womb/." -- the acknowledgement that you can't choose who you're born to, but you can choose who you befriend and ally with, and who'll stand with you when the chips are down is more important than who you're biologically related to.
@shadur @adhdeanasl Which indeed is the exact opposite of the way the shorterned version has been used my whole life.
The full version is also exactly how I regard family relationships in my big scheme of things.
Edit : Although I would say that the short version of the saying is "correctly used" rather than "misused" as that is what it has come to mean and that is how it is used.
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