Amy MaybeI set my phone so it plays sad trombone when my mom texts me. 😂
Don't be the kind of parent whose adult child sets their phone to play sad trombone when you text.
When my mom gets a text, her phone plays a recording of "I'm Donald Trump, and I approved this message," so ...
At some point you realize that your parent sucks, it's not going to change, and being honest about it might help other people with sucky parents feel less alone.
I'm grateful (and maybe surprised?) that nobody has ever come into my mentions with "BUT BUT SHE'S YOUR MOTHER!" Yes? So?
Karolyn
Karin!
Coles Street Pothole@APBBlue I lived in the days before caller ID. Every incoming call was a potential hazard.
@ColesStreetPothole I did too! It's been a while.
@APBBlue 😂 You just seem younger coded.
@ColesStreetPothole I'll take it! (I'm 50.)
@APBBlue 😱 Happy half-century! I'm about a dozen years older than that.
McCrankyfaceI grew up in the days of the rotary phone and no answering machine. I miss it.
Heidi@McCrankyface I don't necessarily miss the rotary phone. That thing was such a pain in the ass. We also had a super long cord that always got bunched up & I'd have to spend 10 minutes setting it to right or I would not be able to make the phone call.
@Heidiknits phone calls required more effort. They were more intentional. There were fewer of them. Because the phone was tethered to one physical location, you weren't expected to be able to talk all times. These are all positives in my estimation.
@APBBlue are you familiar with the song "Mother" by The Police?
...
Telephone is ringing
Is that my mother on the phone?
The telephone is screaming
Won't she leave me alone?
...
Mother
@McCrankyface lol, I was not!
Jack the Frosted Count@APBBlue One of my colleagues set his ringtone to play the Imperial March when our boss rang. I had some difficulty keeping a straight face when said boss heard it go off in the hallway.
Jon in Albany@APBBlue you could have gone with the Darth Vader march ringtone, so really sad trombone is being kind.
We Are All Minnesota@APBBlue my parents also suck
@NickGates I am sorry. ❤️
Chris Vreeland@APBBlue Too many of us here have the exact same issues!
Cycling_Liz@APBBlue I was told by a colleague to not leave it too late to fix it What kind of fix are they thinking? I think if I found a cure for narcissm I'd be very rich indeed.
Mats Holberg 🇺🇦 🇵🇸@APBBlue I tell people all the time that I have nothing to do with my father not because he’s some kind of monster but because his narcissism is just exhausting and I finally had enough—in case that might give some permission to consider all the options.
Paco Hope
Steve GisselbrechtOh man.
I have never said this to you even though I thought it really hard because you didn't necessarily seem ready to hear it, and I didn't feel like I had standing. But you seem ready, and I hope I don't offend you, when I tell you that you can just … not.
It hurts like hell to lose your parents, no matter how it happens. It hurts to stop loving them. It hurts when you're the one saying, Don't call me any more. ASK ME HOW I KNOW.
But it can still hurt less than the alternative.
And ending a bad relationship is painful and lossy but then you get to start getting over it.
You don't have to keep hurting yourself in an effort to spare someone else from pain they're doing nothing to avoid or ameliorate. That's not fair to you.
@stevegis_ssg I get it, and I've considered it, but it would just cause too much drama given that she and my brother and his family live in the same city and I want to maintain good relationships with them.
Maintaining a perfunctory relationship is just easier.
I'm sorry. And I really hope I didn't make it any worse. I'll shut up now but just know that you have ALL my sympathy.
@stevegis_ssg You absolutely did not! and thank you. 😊
Hoarse e-Books@APBBlue @stevegis_ssg Oh, man.
Dealing with my mom was and is so hard. When I was in college & for a decade after, I hated that her visits entailed spending every single minute with her. I hated that there was always drama over something (not being willing to order anything off the menu in a Greek restaurant; the time she threw a screaming, crying fit when I bought a real Xmas tree & brought it back to her house because NEEDLES ON THE CARPET!!!!!). Her politics were awful but she’d usually /1
@APBBlue @stevegis_ssg /2
stop if one of us told her to drop it. And I really, really hated the endless monologue phone calls during which she’d talk forever about dumb, trivial things & people I didn’t know or care about (front guard at her gated community, for example).
But up until ~17 years ago dealt with it because it seemed ungrateful not to. She had an acrimonious divorce from my dad, who was a bullying, physically abusive drunk, and raised two kids by herself while working full time.
When the kids were growing up, she visited regularly & we always managed to muddle through, although our visits to her red-state home grew less & less frequent.
And then ~17 years ago I injured my back — painful slipped disc — and was laid up for days & days. When I called her to tell her, she literally talked for an hour without once asking how I was doing or even allowing a conversational opening. (I tried interjecting a couple times & she rolled right over me.)
@stevegis_ssg @APBBlue Back is good, thanks. Opted for a few steroid injections in lieu of surgery & the pain gradually abated, or maybe my brain just got good at tuning it out.
I shovel heavy snow MUCH more carefully now.
That was the turning point where, like you, I settled on a perfunctory relationship: send flowers for Mother’s Day & her b-day, respond selectively to the less passive-aggressive emails, and make occasional *brief* visits, usually for HS reunions &c.
About a decade ago my sister used the term “narcissism” & it all clicked. I’d been so close to the problem that I couldn’t objectively assess it until that moment. As @Holberg says in a parallel reply, the narcissism was
@APBBlue @stevegis_ssg @Holberg /5
too damn exhausting to deal with.
Starting about 18 months ago, my mom started showing signs of advancing dementia. For reasons I won’t go into, there is no prospect of moving her here (where sis & I both live) so we’ve been making regular trips to check in, buy groceries, talk to the retirement home staff, and so on. My mom is still VERY oriented-to-self only, but much easier to deal with apart from the recurring paranoid delusions😑.
Ironically, our
@APBBlue @stevegis_ssg @Holberg /6
relationship is better now than it has been in decades & she even occasionally coughs up unsolicited thank-yous for the stuff I do (which runs the gamut from fixing her phone & cable TV, to handling all her finances/bills/tax filings, which had gotten into a pretty bad state as in she simply didn’t file for 2023).
So it’s not great in that we have little to talk about because she remembers almost nothing, even from the day before. And it ain’t coequal.
@APBBlue @stevegis_ssg @Holberg I hope it’s clear I’m saying all this in sympathy with your situation & that of all the like-minded people chiming in here with their own stories.
And anyway, as famously smart-but-messed-up dude Friedrich Nietzsche wrote, “That which does not kill me makes me stronger.” Also weirder, no doubt, but where’s the fun in actually being a normie instead of just portraying one from time to time?
@APBBlue @stevegis_ssg @Holberg /7-end
But I’d be lying if I said this our relationship hasn’t been its best in decades. So when she asks open-ended Qs like “How are things in DC?”, I offer vague platitudes that don’t upset her or me & that works.
A former colleague of mine used to say that she (the colleague) was herself “raised by wolves” & I start to think I might have been, too. No, not sharing any of this for sympathy bc boy, others have had it worse & we’re ALL a little fucked up.
FIN
@20002ist @stevegis_ssg Yeah. This is how my mom responded to my very scary need for a breast biopsy in October: "People survive breast cancer now." TOTAL disregard for my experience.
ozeng@APBBlue See, this is the lesson that it took me way too long to learn. We don't choose our parents, and we certainly can't control their behavior, so why do we have to pretend everything is fine? (Especially when we are no longer dependent upon them?)
Laurel Stvan
JustaJason 🦜
dingodog
Rob WilliamsonI could see that working as satire, but it would get old fast.
Drew Johnson 
@APBBlue oooooooooooof
@Possiblydrew oh believe me -- she's earned it
Dark Phoenix 🇺🇦🇨🇦🇬🇱🇵🇦🇵🇸🏳️🌈@APBBlue I am the kind of parent who, if I haven't heard from my son in too long, texts the following "Hive Mother requires Proof of Life from favored Spawn"
(It's the easiest way to get a current picture from him)
(It's the easiest way to get a current picture from him)
Carl C