Alicja (and Artemida and Mara, see bio)

Ok, I'm just gonna go ahead and ask.

How do people actually make new friends? Let's assume online for the sake of argument.

I've tried a number of approaches, I've tried both being spontaneous and winging it, and doing it a specific, thought-out way.

My attempts fall into a few typical patterns, but I'm not gonna describe them because that'd make for a LONG thread. I can't describe these things briefly.

(I might add some descriptions later,in a thread starting from this post)

But for now, let's assume: you see a person online, read what they write and after a while decide it'd be cool to potentially get to know them.

What do you do? Go.

Please be specific. "Just talk to them" could mean a million things.

#ActuallyAutistic #neurodivergent

Oct 12 at 6:52pmWeb
Show threadRa (Freyja) (it/its)𒀭𒈹𒍠𒊩Oct 12
@oddtail honestly? what we do is just start replying to and interacting with their posts. that's really it
Show threadMurdoc Addams 🧛🏻 🇨🇦Oct 12

@freya @oddtail
This is pretty much what I do. Plus, I mostly find friends by common interests.

To give some more specific examples of things to say:
"I also am a fan of (bandname). What's your favorite song/album?"
"I've never heard of (topic/concept) before, but it sounds interesting. Can you tell me more?"
"I've long been interested in (hobby/skill), but haven't really learned much yet. How did you learn/get into it?"
"I agree with that viewpoint, and would add that..."
"That's an interesting point. What do/would you think about (related thing)?"

Show threadCyOct 12
I used to think common interests was the way. Then it occurred to me that before automobiles, nobody on the planet made friends by common interests. You made friends with the people around you, regardless of any shared interests. Not to say automobiles have suddenly ceased to exist, but humans are very very hardwired to make friends based on common circumstances and not common interests.

To give some counterexamples I've run across:
"Oh, you're a fan of evangelical bluegrass? Great..."
"I've never heard of dahlias before. Anyway, I'm going to go walk over there now."
"I've long been interested in procedural animation, but haven't really learned much yet. How did—oh, uh, yes I'm sure your dahlias will look lovely in this year's flower arrangements."
"I agree with that view—wait did you just say the problem is immigration?"
"That's (yawn) an interesting point. What do you think about uhh peonies?"

CC: @[email protected] @[email protected]
Show threadMurdoc Addams 🧛🏻 🇨🇦Oct 12
@cy @freya @oddtail
For most people, you're right. But we're talking about autistic people here, at least us. If you're trying to make friends with an NT, I don't know. Well, I probably do, but it would really go against the grain. But all my friends were made due to common interests.
Show threadLilli SystemOct 12

@oddtail

We tend to reply to posts, and if they don't say anything back, then we drop the thought of online interactions.

If they reply to us, then we start a conversation. It only happens once in a awhile, so we value intereactions, especially where we know that we share DID in common.

Show threadJeff AtwoodOct 12
@oddtail what I personally find is that certain folks will consistently reply with interesting or useful insights over a period of weeks or months, then I eventually want to know more about them. I eventually start to recognize them by their avatar.
Show threadCyOct 12
Well what I do is ask for their PGP public key. 🤓

But no seriously, could you specify what you want to get to know about someone? I'm just friends with people online who talk to me and like me, who I also like.
Show threadCharlotte WalkerOct 12
@oddtail @GwenfarsGarden I try to take opportunities to interact with them, replying to things they say. Sometimes this pays off. Sometimes they politely like my reply but never respond. Sometimes they ignore me entirely. It’s hard when I try and I don’t get any traction but I can’t force people to like me, I guess. So I suppose my strategy is to basically attempt to engage them in conversation and try not to be too downhearted if they’re not interested.
Show threadMux2000 (exfoliating)Oct 12
@oddtail
That's just me, but I saw this cute girl in a discord server and then followed her on fedi, and now every chance I get I tell her that she's cute and smart and cool.
Show threadiweinOct 12

@oddtail an important thing (that I have often overlooked) is to be aware of if ,and if so why, you want to be friends with someone. Making friends for the sake of making friends is not useful (even though it sucks to have no friends).

If you know specifically why you want to be friends with someone, make them aware of it. This can be done bluntly and subtly and anything in between.

I like bluntly, but that's not typical. (1/2)

Show threadiweinOct 12

@oddtail once awareness is there, and the other signals they're open to it, things can accidentally or intentionally escalate.

But also be careful. Making online friends is riskier than irl (I am assuming you know, but I feel this warning should be here).

Have fun 🙇‍♀️

Show threadThe Penguin of EvilOct 12
@oddtail Usually by ending up chatting in Discord because we are simultaneously bored and then turn out to have a common interest and it turns into a two way brain dump.
This may of course also be why most of my friends are not neurotypical 8)
Show threadJ. R. DePriest    :EA DATA. SF:Oct 12

@oddtail I don't make friends. I think I make acquaintances.

I reply to Toots that resonate with me. If I get into a good conversation from it, that's a bonus. I never expect a conversation.

I follow people whose Toots mostly seem to align with my views.

I throw out random Toots and make note of how people respond, if at all.

I try to be myself.

Show threadLoose Leaf QueerOct 12

@oddtail

Normally, I wouldn't add to a well-occupied thread to answer a question, but a friend boosted this and I'm going to have a slightly different response than most.

Making friends online (or off!) requires asking pertinent, conversational questions, not just replying to posts. What are you defining as your usual methods? What scripts do you have? Do you welcome conversation in your posts? When does it feel like friendship?