Thomas Sobieck 🐘Dec 20, 2022
jessica by the bay

This is your year non-trans folks. This is the year

to be the one to call out grandma for misgendering your non-binary cousin,

to point out how fucked up your uncle’s transphobic jokes are, or

to tell your mom that her excuses for deadnaming someone aren’t good enough.

It’s time to make this your problem. How are you going to stand up for trans people this holiday?

Dec 19, 2022 at 4:16pmWeb
Show threadOld Lady Whispering HushDec 19, 2022
@rooster I'm not sure I'm ready to take on everything this Christmas. But I can commit to correcting anyone who deadnames or misgenders my wife's cousin. Don't be a coward just because he isn't there to be hurt. Thanks for the push :)
Show threadjessica by the bayDec 19, 2022
@Octaviaminor yes please if you can. Focus on preventing harm to the trans people closest to you. Take the burden off of them, and show your family there are consequences to not respecting someone you love.
Show threadBoabieTheBarmanDec 19, 2022
@rooster @Octaviaminor “call out” is a stupid phrase to use. People can be educated without being insulted. It’s totally hypocritical to demand respect while showing none
Show threadJunebugDec 19, 2022
@BoabieTheBarman @rooster @Octaviaminor thank you! Respect goes both ways and lots of acceptance does also. Acceptance for the trans community and acceptance for the struggle, but nonetheless good intention, of their family members to change and adapt to new norms of behaviour. It takes time, patience and compassion on all sides.
Show threadOld Lady Whispering HushDec 19, 2022
@Junebug @BoabieTheBarman @rooster I think we're talking about two different things here. Kind corrections are appropriate for family members who are trying their best and slip up (burden is on cis people here to correct on behalf of loved ones). Calling out is justified for deliberate and hateful misgendering/deadnaming.
Show threadBoabieTheBarmanDec 19, 2022
@Octaviaminor @Junebug @rooster yes but you just stereotyped someone’s grandparents in making your point, which is equally unfair
Show threadsaul b   🎡Dec 20, 2022
@BoabieTheBarman @Octaviaminor @Junebug @rooster “stereotyped someone’s grandma” Jesus Christ these ppl are being so patient with you and you’re literally looking to take everything the worst way possible. “Stereotypes someone’s grandma” omg I’m so sorry they should have used cousin or uncle as an example instead. 🙄
Show threadUnprecedented 2023Dec 19, 2022
@Junebug @BoabieTheBarman @rooster @Octaviaminor I could not have said it better.
Show threadUnprecedented 2023Dec 19, 2022
@BoabieTheBarman @rooster @Octaviaminor Hmm. I am not well versed yet.
Show threadDanielle ForéDec 19, 2022
@BoabieTheBarman @rooster @Octaviaminor OR we could not tone police people who are defending marginalized groups. Bigotry deserves absolutely 0 respect. If the only way you could not be a bigot is when people are super nice to you, that’s a you problem.
Show threadEssjay 🏳️‍🌈  Dec 19, 2022

@BoabieTheBarman @rooster @Octaviaminor

Thank heavens the tone police bloke has arrived to mansplain to trans folk and their allies how they should react to transphobia. 🙄
Kindly and respectfully, do fuck off

Show threadSean Lake: famous ballet Dec 20, 2022

@BoabieTheBarman @rooster @Octaviaminor That’s just conflict, not hypocrisy. If you’re not willing to entertain conflict to support trans rights, I’m happy to walk away from a losing battle, but it would be hard not to notice that you were willing to take a stand when it happened to be against supporting trans rights.

Hypocrisy would be demanding that Grandpa James refer to you by your correct name and pronouns while insisting that you still get to call him Barbara and refer to him as if he were a woman. He might be quite upset by that, and understandably so. If he raised his voice in frustration after you had repeatedly disrespected him by addressing him wrong, would you think it was reasonable to tell him raising his voice had lost him the right to be respected by you?

Can you see how that would sound like you’d already decided you would not respect him, and accusing him of disrespect was a flimsy justification for your hypocrisy?

I sincerely do hope you get what I’m saying here.

Show threadLittletron 🏳️‍⚧️Dec 21, 2022
@BoabieTheBarman @rooster @Octaviaminor what exactly makes you think "calling out" is an insult?
Show threadUnprecedented 2023Dec 19, 2022
@rooster @Octaviaminor Agree.
Show threadEric McCorkleDec 19, 2022
@rooster I don't know whether this already exists, but I'd be interested in an effort to identify the most effective pro-trans/pro-lgbtq arguments and rhetorical devices.
Show threadjessica by the bayDec 19, 2022
@emc2 I don't know, but I do know we underestimate the power of a well placed "that's a really fucked up thing to say"
Show threadTerrafied Kestrel Dec 19, 2022
@rooster @emc2 Exactly. Also, for older ones, a quick drive-by "Isn't that the same thing they said about gay people in the 80s?" is a heck of a bullet. You don't even have to engage in a full argument. Whatever they come back with is just "It just sounds exactly like what they said about gays in the 80s is all." And then drive on past. (because, hint, it is. And this hits older ones hard because they will remember either fighting that or being that and learning better or giving up.)
Show threadEric McCorkleDec 19, 2022
@terrafiedkestrel @rooster Interracial marriage also, for those who have baseline homophobia.
Show threadJuliaDec 20, 2022
@terrafiedkestrel @rooster @emc2 I’ve used this one a few times works like a targeted missile for anyone over 40
Show threadsaul b   🎡Dec 20, 2022
@terrafiedkestrel @rooster @emc2 this is extremely good, I also support the “drive-by” method. You don’t have to turn it into a big long debate, just a quick point to make it known where you stand and to point out the bigotry on display.
Show threadZombie Rust PunkDec 19, 2022

@rooster @emc2 During my decades of being “a really good ally” (aka deep in denial), I got a lot of mileage out of:

“That’s none of your goddamn business.”

and

“You don’t have to understand it to be respectful. You’re a grownup. Act like it.”

I was pretty aggro, lol.

Show threadDavid HayesDec 22, 2022
@emc2 @rooster changing minds is hard. There is some evidence that a questioning and listening approach can help guide people to their own enlightenment. I think there was a Freakonomics episode on this related to getting voters onboard with a gay marriage bill but I can't find it
Show threadElle 💗Dec 19, 2022

@rooster Don't know anyone who's trans? There's plenty of bigotry to go around these days, and they can all use in-groupers who call it out. Anti-Semitism's on the rise, anti-immigrant sentiment, and general racism is a perennial classic.

Ally doesn't mean not being hateful. It means speaking up for those it's directed toward.

You know those insults about "virtue signalling"? Those are from the bigots who want to keep would-be allies quiet. Don't let them.

Show threadDanielle ForéDec 19, 2022
@rooster One of the most powerful things someone has ever done for me is say, “If anyone causes problems for you, I’ll throw them out”. For people hosting, consider how much power you have to create an inclusive space by excluding bigotry. That act of saying, “I will not include people who don’t respect you” is everything.
Show threadBuster McNuttDec 19, 2022
@rooster every. day.
Show threadGeraldineDec 19, 2022
@rooster I told someone that they were being a transphobic fuckhead on Thanksgiving and they actually listened, so that was pretty gratifying. 💪
Show threadTerrafied Kestrel Dec 19, 2022
@everywhereist @rooster Wow. Thank you!!
Show threadGeraldineDec 19, 2022
@terrafiedkestrel @rooster honestly I don't usually yell at family but I shut that shit down so fast I think I blew back their hair. 🤣
Show threadTerrafied Kestrel Dec 19, 2022
@everywhereist @rooster You, madam, are doing God's work. 💗
Show threadGeraldineDec 19, 2022
@terrafiedkestrel @rooster I'm lucky that honestly my family is really good at listening and evolving and changing and being pretty great. My mom once told a friend of mine who is trans that she was "exactly who she was supposed supposed to be" and they both started crying and hugged. So overall? It's easy to talk to them.
Show threadGeraldineDec 19, 2022
@terrafiedkestrel @rooster Also, no thanks necessary, I think it's honestly just the baseline for being a decent human being. Which I'm trying to be. *shrugs*
Show threadTerrafied Kestrel Dec 19, 2022
@rooster @everywhereist I think there’s a certain restaurant owner with a creepy shaped mouth that may take exception to the “decent human being” statement, but apart from him, fair point. 😂
Show threadjessica by the bayDec 19, 2022
@everywhereist I love this so much thank you.
Show threadJoy DenebeimDec 19, 2022
@everywhereist @rooster yeah, remember most of them. Don't know any trans people. We're pretty rare. And so they just know what they've consumed. On like Fox News or whatever. If you can succeed in getting them to stop and think about it for 2 seconds they'll become on our side because really we're not hurting anybody.
Show threadGeraldineDec 19, 2022
@[email protected] @rooster my aunt watches Fox News to "see what the enemy is saying", so overall my family is pretty good, but every now and then I have to scream at them. Which I do.
Show threadGeraldineDec 19, 2022
@[email protected] @rooster and I guess I forget that some people don't actually know any trans people??? Which is bonkers to me. Like, they probably do, they just don't know it.
Show threadTattie (old account)Dec 19, 2022
@everywhereist @denebeim @rooster exactly. "Maybe they just don't feel safe coming out to you, Gary"
Show threadJoy DenebeimDec 19, 2022

@everywhereist @rooster especially trans guys. 10 years in you can't tell they weren't born that way.

They're just really cute guys.

Show threadElysia OrbitDec 19, 2022
@rooster I will probably out myself next year. I can't hide it forever.
Show threadjessica by the bayDec 19, 2022
@gabriel 
Show threadThadd SeldenDec 19, 2022
@rooster @talia_christine Do I get any points for getting in a fight with my uncle at Thanksgiving about how JK Rowling and other TERFs do actual harm? I didn’t get through to him, but the rest of my family all agreed that he’s an asshole so that’s… progress?
Show threadjessica by the bayDec 19, 2022
@thadd @talia_christine damn right that counts.
Show threadDoug 🇨🇦🌈Dec 19, 2022
@rooster I don't understand being trans because I have no way to experience feeling I'm in the wrong body. I do know what it's like to be gay in a straight world so I'm happy to allow trans people to be who they are inside without question. Trans men are no threat to me so I don't fear them. Trans women are just women. Que Sera Sera.
Show threadpockydreamerDec 19, 2022

@rooster I've been doing it throughout the year but with using racial segregation as an analogy since that's the only way my parents can see prejudice.

Turns outs, my folks have so much internalized racism and self hatred that they would rather live in a Christofacist theocracy

Show threadjessica by the bayDec 19, 2022
@Pockydreamer that sucks. I’m sorry 
Show threadxX Linn Xx 🔒Dec 19, 2022
@rooster Sooo, I can relax?
Show threadPatienceNotDec 19, 2022
@rooster you need to explain to people what these terms mean, “deadnaming”, and why/how they are hurtful. People who make the mistakes are not always aware of the mistake and furthermore confused by this new world.
Show threadjessica by the bayDec 19, 2022

@patience_not I think it’s time for non-trans people to start explaining this to each other.

I also don’t think it’s a new world where a basic level of respect is calling someone by the name they tell you to use in good faith.

Show threadSuburban FeministDec 19, 2022
@rooster I did this, and I am no longer on speaking terms with most of my family. I still think I did the right thing. I think I am better off without hate in my life. I will have a happy holiday season with people I actually like.
Show threadJay 🚹🔝🔞Dec 19, 2022
@rooster been doing they since '98. I have the rave scene of the late 90s to thank for my worldview and perspective on gender and Sexuality.
Show threadAzilDec 19, 2022
@rooster No thanks.
Show threadTorbenbopDec 19, 2022
@rooster i dont Think i need to. My folks arent assholes 🥰
Show threadPaperDec 19, 2022
@rooster I already had these talks with my family members and managed to help them understand/convert them towards either neutrality or support of trans people ❤️
Show threadUnprecedented 2023Dec 19, 2022
@rooster please be patient with some of us who are accepting but not educated because some are afraid to ask.
Show threadRichard 🏳️‍🌈Dec 19, 2022
@rooster my family has come a long way. They no longer engage in behavior that’s harmful to gay, trans, or queer people.
Show threadRevjimbobDec 19, 2022
@rooster you sound kinda angry
Show threadMichelle MaherDec 19, 2022

@rooster I got yelled at by my mom and uncle when they misgendered my kid and I corrected them at Thanksgiving. I told them I would correct them every time they did until they didn't do it anymore.

I don't buy the "I'm too old to learn the singular they" bit.

Show threadValheruDec 19, 2022
@rooster this Monday I gave my colleague an early day at short notice so he could take his trans step son to a hospital appointment.
Show threadT. J. BombadilDec 19, 2022
@rooster Check and check. We had several of those conversations with my "I'm not a single issue voter" father in law over Thanksgiving.
Show threadLavender GoomsDec 19, 2022
@rooster Way ahead of you. I been doing that for the last few years. If I'm around, it's safe. No putting up with that shit.